True Story©... The Big Payoff pt X

“this orgy ain’t fun no more…”

(if only I’d have known how prophetic those words would become)

     The funny thing about the government getting involved in shit is how quick they are to complain about the media meddling in shit while pretending not to know that the media is the VERY official but unstated fourth branch of the government.

But let them be the one driving the narrative and the media they just hated are their best fucking friends.

     I got shook down and, let’s face it, robbed by two rogue FBI inspectors who quite apparently entered no paperwork on their interaction with me as they tried to get my source of income and not do what was right by the American people as far as national security goes.  And I KNOW I was dead wrong…
…  at least I know now.  When I was at it, all I knew is that I was trying to make the best of a bad situation of my own design.  Domestic and international laws were really the least of my concerns.

I should probably meet Santa again on Christmas to thank him for protecting me from myself.  It is apparent now that the magic built into that bag serves it that I couldn’t sell or give the bag away, as it will only work in my possession and the “punishment” therefore becomes non-transferrable.  The fact that I had turned the punishment quite profitable notwithstanding, this also means I would not be able to benefit from the transfer of profitability which FURTHER means that those who mean me harm will not prosper either.  This bag is my problem and my problem alone.

Problem…

… problem…

“PROBLEM”

So those two Federales?  Frustrated they couldn’t get the bag and ape my space in the market to make the money I had been making, ADDED to the fact that they couldn’t POSSIBLY go to their superiors and prove to them that I had been making money off of a magic bag of coal I got from robbing Santa Claus without having themselves laughed into a fucking demotion, decided they wanted revenge on me.
Piecing together me stupidly trying to report my bag missing – which there WAS paperwork for – with my interaction with them, they leaked to the local news that apparently someone IN AMERICA was supplying illegal coal to foreign governments in violation of the Paris Climate Agreement.
In all fairness, they were wrong, it was only ONE government, not governmentS.  If I hadn’t been handled so corruptly by the first one there might have been more, but that is an unimportant detail here.

I come outside one day and there are SIXTEEN microphones in my face.
[Phlip note: heheh, another ‘orgy’ joke]

Reporter 1: “Mr [redacted], do you have a moment?"

Me: “For what?”

Reporter 2: “We wanted to ask you about the coal!”

Reporter 3: “Where’d you get it from?”

Me: “I got it from after that preposition, mother fucker.”

Reporter 1: “We heard you’ve been selling coal to foreign nations to skirt Paris, can you talk to us about that?”

The whole time, Bruiser is going fucking NUTS behind me at the front door.  The onslaught continued…

Me: “What Paris?  Your president convinced us that Paris was wasted effort information anyway.”

Reporter 3: “Well what about Santa Claus?”

Reporter 1: “Yeah, care to give us anything about the Santa connection?”

Me: “Naughty or nice…  The choice is yours.”

Reporter 2: “What does that even mean?”

Reporter 3: “Word is that there is a bag of stolen coal involved here.”

Me: “Is that where we are with it now, y’all?”

Reporter 1: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Children’s fairy tales?  Santa is not real, gentlemen.”

Reporter 3: “Look, we’re just reporting on what we’ve--…”

Me: “Please leave my property now, please.”

Reporter 2: “But freedom of the press!”

Me: “I am not the government.”

Reporter 3: “But we have questions!”

Me: “But I have a twelve gauge, and this is a castle doctrine state.  I am beginning to fear for the safety of this, my abode.”

At the mention of a firearm and a statute providing me no duty to flee these men, they scattered like roaches with the lights on.

     So the onslaught is over, I’m good, right?  They’re off my property and know I have the bitch inside.  They ain’t coming back.  The FBI has already tried to do me filthy and failed due to the utter unbelievableness of the story rendering it not worth their time.
Actions taken (burner phones, general aviation flights, DRIVING, using the Subaru and not the Audi to work) in order to remain beneath the radar have allowed me to continue to make money without being particularly conspicuous.

     What I COULDN’T prepare for was for EACH of the three networks in my front yard this afternoon to chop up my interaction with them and forcing them off of my land into what LOOKED like an interview in which I ADMITTED to selling coal to a foreign country and looked dismissive in accrediting the acquisition of the coal to Santa Claus.  Then I became angry and violent at the end and they left out of fear of ME.

Then 45 signed into Twitter...

“Paris climate deal is still a joke. Violent thugs selling coal to shithole countries and threatening brave reporters looking for a scoop, shameful"

FUCK… ME!!!

I have GOT to find my way out of this shit soon, man!