Showing posts from December, 2023

True Story©… A Very Merry Woodpenis Christmas

       “Frenemies” If you have ever watched Justified on FX as I did when I binged all six seasons and the whole of the spinoff a few months ago, you know what that is.   As you may or not be aware, I have made a bit of one of those in our own local law enforcement here lately.   I promise shit didn’t start out that way, but a strange series of mishaps made that bed for me.      I recently gained the knowledge that he may be finally cutting me loose in order to move on a little further.   Part of me is glad to have him out of my ass – pun intended – but part of me will miss having a local law man who owes me favors so big that he has to honor requests or perhaps have a conversation with Internal Affairs. It all started last month with a phone call… Me: “You know if you keep this up, we are gonna have to sit down and discuss our thing with my wife.” Woodpenis: “Well if things go to plan, we might not need to have that conversation.” Me: “Well Detective Woodpenis, what are yo

True Story©… Watching The Neighborhood

  Most of the time, I mind my own damned business.  Sure, my eyes are open and my head is on a swivel as I walk around my neighborhood three times a day but that is more for loose dogs and (now) kidnappers. I have learned here recently as this past Monday that my neighbors are watching or noticing me as I walk about.  There is the family on the corner that adopted a little dog named Duke.  His hair is similar to Shaggy Thunder, so they asked who my groomer was.  There are the kids that catch the bus oddly late and the lady with two dogs who is always interested in how my miles I clock a day. Those people are normal, as in I see them daily, sometimes multiple times.  Otherwise, though, there are other neighbors that I have NEVER seen outside in over two years now.  Yes, I know they come and go because I do notice cars in and out of driveways but I never see PEOPLE coming and going. … until last Thursday. Down at the bottom of the hill as I was coming back up my last three blocks

True Story©… Get In The Van!

       I know I say this a lot here lately, but…   Humble brag: I am in what is among the best shape of my adult life.   This will matter to this story in just a moment.      As it got colder, I retreated my workouts into the garage on the cycle, then eventually to spreading it out over the course of the days, usually in 15-minute increments between tasks at work right here in the office.   Last week it was unseasonably warm, so I decided to gear up and hit the road a bit for my walk/run intervals as I did over the summer at 5:15 in the morning. Having lost over 60 pounds, I am still not a “small” person at 5’8” and a recently-more-muscled 210ish pounds these days, people tend to not bother me.   Perhaps it is the big headphones I wear while I am out, but people nod at me or throw a peace sign and keep moving. …   I’m rambling…      So it is last Tuesday…   I am out and on the road, two and a half miles in, elbows deep into the podcast I am listening to when a car – a van actual

True Story©… Am-Knees-Ya pt. II - The Finale

  … and we’re back! if you weren’t here or don’t recall what transpired last week, please click here before continuing or this won’t end up making much sense to you.      So the doctor comes sprinting down the ward and into the room, breathlessly asking the nurse what was awry. Nurse: “The mescaline worked, but I don’t think it worked- worked" Doctor: “W-what do you mean?” Nurse: “Well…   As per norm, he was ‘up high’ for several hours and we expected that, and there were no traumas in his coming down.” Doctor: “Okay, so what’s the problem?” Me: “Y’all hursh!   I need to get some rest before my 12-hour shift on the factory floor tonight!” Nurse: “Well…   That.” Doctor: “What’s happening?” Nurse: “It seems he is of the opinion that he is--…” Me: “Sweetheart! S’cuse me, sweetheart!   Could you have that colored gal that was in here before bring me a whiskey and a cigarette?” Doctor: “Oh shit.” Me: “And when am I getting moved to the Whites hospital?” Nurs