The musings of a madman...

       No need to remind me that I have been M.I.A. for over a month…   Trust me, I pay to be here and know when I let a week go by without having written anything.      Anyone connected to me on BookFace or close enough to me to receive a text about the progress knows that I recently sold my house and I am currently under contract to replace it.   With that said, I have been BUSY preparing the house for sale, responding to necessary shit contained in the inspection/appraisal, THEN packing shit up to go and making arrangements for it all.   This is ALL while simultaneously playing the role of the buyer on the other house.   Needless to say, this shit is exhausting.      Well at this point, I am two weeks post-move and 13 days post-close.   I got a big check, y’all! That check is not the point here though.   Currently, we’re in a temporary spot, a short-term rental, where we are living (and I am remotely working) in wait for our closing date.   Apart from being CLEAR on the other e

       It’s that time of year again…   Y’all know, the one where I am dragged into a classroom to assemble and move shit despite not particularly wanting to have to do it. To be honest, I am thankful to the Wuhan Bat Flu for closing schools at the beginning of last year and limiting ANY visitors when they finally did open in the last quarter, thereby saving me from breaking a sweat.      This story is not (necessarily) about that. Saturday before last, while I was on the above-mentioned unpaid hauling/cleaning mission(s), I noticed the message flash across the television in my wife’s classroom about football tryouts.   Well sheeeeeit…   When I was in middle and high school, I wasn’t able to do such things due to reasons. Me: “I’mma go out for football.” Wife Person: “What!?” Me: “It says football tryouts are Thursday immediately after school.   I’m coming to live out my dreams!” Wife Person: “Whatever…   Do what you want.” See?   She don’t even be LISTENING to me.   The d

  Somehow I knew this day would come…      After years of supervillainous behavior, the tortures, the driving people literally insane, the competitions…   I fuckin’ KNEW this day was coming.      The picture you see above is from my front porch.   It was there when I got home from the gym yesterday morning.   For those who had been unaware of what one actually looks like, that is the shell of a cicada. For those of you have been paying attention through the last little while, you know I am a fan of using cicadas for my own personal gain. [ link ] [ link ] [ link ] Look, I have watched enough crime/espionage shows to spot a tail and make sure I am not being followed or tracked, but I am concerned right now that someone has smoked me out and learned my identity and used the cicada shell to indirectly let me know they’re onto me.      This really is my own fault.   I didn’t spend enough time sharpening my M.O. before employing the cicadas.   I am sure I have allowed myself to be

       Another Thursday morning, another instance of me explaining where the hell I have been for the previous couple of weeks. The short answer, here, is “in Japan.”      The long answer is the one you’re getting though, and it perfectly aligns with the “menagerie of shit that could only happen to me” that you’ve become accustomed to. This all started back in late April with a phone call… Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Hi, this is [redacted] from the USOC, and--…” Me: “United…   States…   Olympic…   Commission?” Caller: “Correct, sir and we’re calling in reference to--…” Me: “And you’re aware that the last time I participated in any organized sport was 80 pounds ago, right?” Caller: “Well we’ve been recently advised of your RECENT prowess, and this is in an event that doesn’t necessarily require athletic acumen.” Me: “This should be good.   Which event?” Caller: “Skeet shooting.” Me: “HA!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!” Caller: “Did I say something wrong?” Me: “I don’t thi

       Ever told a joke so good that they wanted you to come down to HR and tell it?      Have I ever told y’all how much I hate smalltalk?      Is ANYONE wondering where the hell I have been for the last two weeks? No, Stephanie did not follow me home and accost me on my front lawn and cause me to assault her or otherwise not be able to leave the house.      The answer is actually a bit more entertaining.   With everything else happening in my life these days (more on that later – WAY later) , I’ve not spent my normal time out having adventures like I normally do.   At least not the kind that cost me much money. I did , however, indulge myself in my normal paid time off for the most of two weeks as I always do in the summer.   Rather than go off and spend money I will need later, I did that thing I mentioned some months ago where I get a job I don’t intend to keep.      In order to n ot let anyone in on anything they don’t need to know about me, the company will remain un

       Thursday of last week was my birthday… I say that to say that I was off celebrating.      Next week is my daughter’s birthday.   For the first time in her whole life, she will not be with me on her birthday.   She will be with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once.   I say that to say that we are celebrating this week/end instead.      Wife person came up with the idea that we jump over to Sweet Valley Ranch in Fayetteville for the dinosaur thing today, I can report back on my findings when we’ve done it.      The point of this story is yesterday though… We had to clear the front room of the house before we left to prepare it for some contractors to come through and do their thing on our floors, then take the dogs to the sitter’s place, then grab one more niece and hit the road.   Only a 90ish minute trip to the destination and there we are. This is where the shit gets crazy.      We arrive to the hotel and I am unloading the back of the wagon and the kids wh

       Despite roughly a year of shooting my shot, I am unfortunately still not rich…      The closest I have come was with my crypto bets, which if I had trusted more at the time, would have been more lucrative.  Who can forget when I was curb serving the city all the available Plan B back at Valentine's Day?  Beyond that, my lawn hustle is doing me pretty well. Live and learn, I know. I have been accosted by several police officers over the course of the ‘Rona year and I can only be thankful that the wife person was around to talk me out of an arrest or – more likely – roadside execution.      It’s been fun though.   I have been places (sort of) and met people (from six feet away) and somehow have come off with more money than I might have under other conditions.   Wait…   “somehow”?   There is no mystery involved.   I work from home, I am buying literally a third of the gas I would otherwise and I literally can’t go spending on outside the house things as I would if

       I have been contiguously employed since a week after my 16 th birthday and can count on one hand the number of times I have called in sick. I lost a whole-ass week of work (and True Story©) last week due to a damned misunderstanding behind my apparent myriad of side hustles and get-money schemes. Wait…      Y’all remember a few months ago when I tried to collect manholes and get the money for recycling?   If not, go read and come back. [ link ] Welcome back…      Now that we have established that it is absolutely NOT beneath me to employ crackhead labor to save a few bucks and/or maintain my own convenience in a situation, we can talk about what I have been up to.   This all started back when my stimmy checks finally started to hit (I was late AF filing my taxes) .   Following a surprise two-week hospital stay three years ago this past Monday, I was not in physical shape to continue to maintain my own lawn.   Coinciding with the fact that my own mower had just died, i

       For all of my discussion of how much I hate talking on the phone, there still remains a precious few people who I will actually call.   Usually it is because I know that person will be in a car and a text conversation will be disjointed as fuck or take longer than the time I have to deal with whatever needs to be discussed.   Or it is more business than can be conveyed via text. Worry not, though…   I can still only be counted on to make one or two calls a week to people I know.   Otherwise, it will be a text message or one of a constant barrage of memes on Facebook between my bouts with the FB filters.      So following last week’s kidnapping fiasco , I simply sat on my couch and spun through mid-afternoon on my lunch break instead of wandering outside back into danger.   Needless to say, I found this painfully boring.   When I get bored, I will either do something incredibly creative or something INCREDIBLY stupid. I grabbed up my phone, turned the TV off and prayed the do