Posts

True Story©... Step Into the Ring

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     I just be minding my motherfuckin’ business… I also, unfortunately, have this awful habit of making it my business to make other people’s lives less-than-enjoyable for my own entertainment. With that in mind, one can more than easily imagine how often some shit I have done comes back to bite me in the ass later on down the road.      Rewind back to October, when I made a crude attempt to pitch a gameshow wherein rappers would attempt to cook crack with the prize being that they get to CONTINUE recording. I called it the Wrist Twistin’ Kitchen . Not long after that failure, I received contact from Jiggaboo Jericho Jackson and as we all remember, hilarity ensued .      In my head, I am absolutely clear of any problems that might so happen to arise from my misguided attempt to get rich on the interwebs and I am now free to move on to my continued supervillainy normal life, right? RIGHT?!!? Wrong™!      Despite, per the rules of the gameshow, Jiggabo Jericho being the only one “

True Story©... Yoga With Puppies

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       Humans don’t deserve dogs… I do, make no mistakes. I treat my buddies like the family members I brought them home to be. Everyone in the house talks to the boys like they’re children and I would not have it any other way. We will return to why that matters in a bit.      Lately, here in our “live forever” push, I workout 3-5 cumulative hours a day 5-6 days a week like an archdemon and Wife Person™ has gotten into yoga. She asks me frequently if I would care to join her in the yoga class and I politely decline. It just isn’t my scene, I need CHAOS in my physical activities. This doesn’t stop her from repackaging the question and asking more, though. Wife Person™: “Going to yoga after work tomorrow, you wanna come with?” Me: “Nah, I’m good.” Wife Person™: “I figured you’d say that.” Me: “But you keep askin’ though.” Wife Person™: “But I think I can change your mind this week.” Me: “I’m listening…” Wife Person™: “Puppy yoga.” Me: “PUPPIES?!!?” Wife Person™: “Puppy yoga.” M

True Story©... The Treasure Hunt Pt. V - The Conclusion

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[Pt. I can be reached  here ] [Pt. II can be reached  here ] [Pt. III can be reached  here ] [Pt. IV can be reached here ]      Denim… The answer has been denim this whole time.      While we wait on the victims marks to sort this out for themselves, I will explain to you, dear readers by peeling back the options I gave to them. Fuel - too new, too far west in the city to truly have been on the ground floor of what built Greensboro. The Greensboro terminals are f’sho the conduit from the gulf states to areas north of here, but how long has America had this apparent lust for fossil fuels compared to… Tobacco - we’re getting closer now… There are still some small farms in the east of the county that grow it, but I see more solar farms out there than I do tobacco nowadays. Furthermore, Lorillard is no longer a thing and ITG aren't making Newports over in East Greensboro which removed a worldwide-known boon from what could be bragged – if you should ever “brag” about such a fou

True Story©... Never Have I Ever

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       I am not a “people” person… Don’t take that to mean I am some hermit who has ZERO friends or acquaintances camped out in his mom’s basement criticizing women he has no chance with because “her eyes are too far apart,” I am just VERY guarded with the people I will fuck with. There are a PRECIOUS few people who can invite me outside of my house and expect me to be in attendance. I am far more likely to have them over here, frankly. … I was invited to a house party… Homie: “What’s good Phlip, you straight?” Me: “I’m good, man. What’s up?” Homie: “The weather is right, we pulling out the tents and firing the grills this weekend.” Me: “Say less…” Homie: “So you in?” Me: “Without question… What I need to bring?” Homie: “Beverage, if anything.” Me: “Your wife still drink [__]” Homie: “You know us well.” Me: “On it.” Homie: “What about you? What we on this trip?” Me: “I’m doing the sobriety thing.” Homie: “Oh yeah… You gon’ be alright around it?” Me: “GOOD-good… You’ve met my fami

True Story©... Reputation

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       When I was little, I was always stoked to spend time with my granddad… At surface-level, he would come home from work in the mornings and during the summer we would be at the house already while mom was at work. Before sleeping his day off, we would go with him to play tennis on the courts at the high school around the corner from his house. We would go to the park across the street and hit golf balls. On Sunday mornings, he would take us to this little greasy spoon diner for breakfast.      During all of these excursions, he would talk to my brother and I. We would learn whether the words coming were from a positive or a corrective place depending solely on whether he started with “son” or “boy,” respectively. One time when we were about twelve we were at the diner having breakfast almost as soon as he came home from work, as in he didn’t even bother with changing clothes, when he looked over his coffee cup and says “y’all make sure, more than anything, you take care of y

The Process... Lucid Daydreaming

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       I was always a creative kid… As an adult, I can sometimes feel alone in a loud-ass room full of people. Half the people milling about on Tiktok, a portion yammering on about things that don’t particularly interest me and the remaining ones “overhearing” that group. None of it is my scene.      On the off chance that I am eventually directly addressed, my brain has sometimes gone on a small field trip to whatever fictional land it is creating in a given moment while maintaining just enough attention and eye contact to not appear checked out of the conversation in front of me. This is why I prefer text conversations to phone conversations and why I need personal interactions to also include an activity of some sort, because I daydream.      Not only do I daydream, but I LUCIDLY daydream. I will never deny guilt of this but in the middle of a workout, while at work or in a yard, my mind takes things I see or hear and sends them off into DETAILED fictional people and situat

True Story©... Close Encounters

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  (artist's reenactment...  My Outback is actually white)      There is fun to be had out in the world. Given other responsibilities, I am not exactly able to take advantage of as many of them as I might like, but we do what we can…      As it is now spring and I will have a steady infusion of disposable income as I watch over four (and hopefully counting) paying yards with my trusty lawn equipment, I had some time and a few nickels to rub together last weekend. Saturday morning, Wife Person™ shoved off to teach you people’s children in Saturday test-prep season and I hauled out to cut a couple of yards. I returned home before she did after collecting my fee plus tips. As the little was with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once, it was just the two of us and the dogs.      One thing we like to do when it is just us grownups is to escape up to the mountains for a day or two. Since, again, the little would be returning on Sunday afternoon and our preferred spot is o

True Story©... The Treasure Hunt Pt. IV

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   [Pt. I can be reached  here ] [Pt. II can be reached  here ] [Pt. III can be reached here ] Kenneth: “Bro, I know you from somewhere?” Joseph: “I’on think so, but you look real familiar, like I seen you before.” Kenneth: “Maybe we used to work together or somethin’?” Joseph: “Nah, I always worked in my pops family business.” Kenneth: “I just know I have seen you somewhere or another, I just can’t put my finger on it.” Joseph: “Yeah, this is wild, bro.” Kenneth: “Wait, here comes somebody else.” From the walkway through the trees comes a third individual and this weird “are you my daddy?” exchange continues. Joseph: “Well damn, this dude looks familiar too.” Kenneth: “Weird.” Joseph (to the newcomer): “What’s good, bruh?” Chucky: “What’s up? I saw you before, up on MLK at the–…” Joseph: “... THE SCAVENGER HUNT! That’s it!” Kenneth: “That’s it! He was leaving when you got to the–… uhh… the car and–…” Joseph: “I was leaving when you got there, got it!” Kenneth: “So we’ve now esta

True Story©... Return of the Moose

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       I tried to make a pr0no once… No, not acting, but producing. I mean, I’mma be frank, I don’t even think that women I HAVE had sex with before are trying to see me fuckin’ even if I HAVE lost 104 pounds since the last time I sexed anyone other than then-pre- Wife Person™ Wife Person™ and that is just me being honest with myself. Anywho, you can read about that epic-assed failure here if you missed it last year and return to me when you’re done.      The funniest thing happened after that… Wife Person™ REFUSED to speak to or hear tell of the daily humorous conversations I have with Mr. Ssippi for almost FOUR MONTHS after that ordeal, until he came to town and took us out to eat for my birthday in the summer. They actually got along quite well and she especially loved Giant Nephew™ and he loved her, so any previous strife was all on me and not on Ssip.      No worries or surprises, of course, are there when I get a call or an especially long text about that weekend in Atl