True Story©... Making Wrongs Rightly Wrong-er

 

      I was away from you fine folks for a month in Mid-December, and then two and a half months from January until three weeks ago...
Those who NEED to know what was shaking with me during that time know, but those that do not can rest assured that the absence was not fully voluntary or at all pleasant.

    One thing I did a lot of between December 17th and March 26th was reflecting.  One might even say I was "brooding," brooding on what in my life I may have done to have foisted my current situation upon myself.  The worst thing for people in this kind of situation is idle time to think about it and lord knows I was damn near literally MADE of time, what with no yard work or outdoor exercise to get up to in the absolute dead of a brutal winter.

    I sat and I stewed...  The longer I sat, the angrier I got.  As I said above, the more time I spent thinking on it all I somehow arrived to the conclusion that I was the architect of my own problems, both physically and karmically.  While only time, good insurance and copays will address the "physical" side, I made the conscious decision to take actions to make things -- or at least one thing -- right in the hopes that some good juju might improve my situation(s).

    How, you ask?
Well y'all remember the "24 Hours to Live" thing, where I told a few of my exes that it was their fault if I died as a final "fuck you" when I just knew for sure that I was going to pass away in 24 hours and then DIDN'T, in fact die in 24 hours?  Well I decided that THAT particular instance was where I began to REALLY fling feces into the oscillating fan of what had been a pretty good run for me up to that point...
Being that as it were, I sat and thought and thought and thought over what I could do to make right what I had wrought upon myself with such a misdeed.

    It was a Thursday, I remember it like a Thursday because Thursdays are the days USPS drops off coupons...  Normally, I just discard the coupons and junk mail in the recycle  bin as I walk back into the house from the mailbox, but my work phone was ringing so I went to the office to answer it, tossing the mail on the table in my garage.  I returned for it 20 minutes later and right on top was a BOGO coupon for Edible Arrangements and I had an idea.  After conferring with my immediate next door neighbors as to their plans with THEIR coupon sheets they both handed them over to me and I got to work.

    Now armed with THREE buy one get one free coupons from Edible Arrangements, I drove over to the actual location on my lunch break and ordered five of them to be sent to the workplaces of the exes in the above-linked story and one to my Wife Person™'s.
I did NOT put my name on any of the six of them, instead had them all sent anonymously from "Him."
I knew, trusting my own spouse and her deep intimate knowledge of my creative jackassery, that she would come home WITH the fruit basket -- especially knowing that whomever knew to omit pineapples  -- surmising that this was a total me move.  Those other households, though?  I knew they belonged to messy people who were attracted to who I used to be and would either crash out trying to hide it from their dudes because they themselves were doing dirt, or would come home to him with it and sow immediate discord when he hadn't sent it to them.  I say this knowing only that two are actively married and one is with someone, or was last time I heard.
Did I mention that I did this shit on Valentine's day?

    What this experiment did was piqued my curiosity, so I did something I never do.  I perused the Instagram and Facebook pages of the women and of the partners (or mutual friends) of the ones who have blocked me.  What was I looking for?  I was looking to see if the trap I had set was worth the $149.97 plus 6.5% NC sales tax I had invested in it.
In the simplest of words, it was an absofuckinglute DUMPSTER FIRE.  People really need to work on and pay attention to their privacy settings, y'all...  One had come home thinking her guy had finally done something romantic but instead got into a "who you been fuckin'" argument and both of them posting subliminal messages and memes toward each other.  One hid it from hers because she knew he had been out of work and wouldn't have spent that kind of money so her messy-ass friends were about the task of trying to find who was diddling her man while she worked.  One more, probably the messiest of them, straight up lied to her and took credit for it.  I will take this to mean he would later use this as his "get out of jail free" card when he steps out on her.
The drama of it all was as delicious as those pineapples I should have gotten on my wife's arrangement would have been when she undoubtedly gave them to me.

    Now weeks after the fact, I thought to myself...
Y'know...  Mighty ironic that I approached this expecting an opportunity to make things right from a previous bad thing I've done, but instead I potentially set fire to up to five relationships.
How the hell do I sleep at night?  like a baby...  What's happened to me this winter has already happened, I can't do shit but live with it now!