The musings of a madman...

      It's spring, y'all, that means I'm back cutting grass for the money… Not that I'm hurting for cash in a two-income household, but I really do love the additional cash in hand if I wanna just up and grab me and/or Wife Person™ a new pair of Nikes or just be like "cover up your titties and put on some shoes, we going to eat something good" on a Sunday morning without first checking my account balance.      Which brings us to last Friday… I got off at 5 and did a quick first-cut on a new client, took me an hour including travel back home. Barely broke a sweat, didn't even unload when I got to the house, just locked up and ran in the house to wash up real quick and told Wife Person™ let's go eat. Her: "Where we going?" Me: "Put your shoes on and get in that white station wagon out there." She stopped asking questions and put on her shoes. I threw mine on and off we were!      At an to-remained-unnamed restaurant, we were seate...

  (Don't ask me why the editor change the color of my soles, smh)      We moved into this house on October 20, 2021. July 3, 2022, I made an active decision to buckle the rest of the way down in my weight loss and health journey and set aside alcohol. Given the nature of and reasoning behind that decision, most of my meals are home-cooked and almost always by me because I work from home in my full-time. Sometimes, though, I find myself, either through my schedule or just a simple need to break the monotony, needing to venture out for sustenance other than what is in my fridge.        A weird thing about this side of town since I moved over here is that two chicken spots, a sandwich shop, a Hardee's and a Chinese takeout joint have all closed. This greatly limits what I can acquire on a standard 30 minute lunch break. Well, it WOULD limit it if not for the FOUR taco trucks I could walk to from my house. Each one stakes the exact same semi-...

       I seriously hate when things I thought I had dispatched of boomerang right back to me. I hate worse when those things happen to mix themselves with what I've had going on in the meantime before returning. Worst of all, I hate when the shit happens REAL quickly. My doorbell rang... Me: "Nonono, nope... Not doing this again!" Them: "But I NEED you!" Me: "You just finished wasting my time in February , what the hell is it now?" Ramsbottom: "Sadly, it's--…" Me: "Dammit to hell! Dig Bick Throbbers again!?" Ramsbottom: "God, I hate having to come to you with th--…" Me: "… aight, you be easy. Sticky side down, shiny side up." I attempted to step back into the house and close the door to return to work. Ramsbottom: "They're not even trying to hide this time. They're back to the old name and all." Me: "Well we established that they're protected by a power apparently greater than t...

  Valentine's Day is this weekend, y'all...      While in general, I don't really much care for or about the day, there are little things in sometimes notice as I travel about my plans from week to week. I made a trip through Walmart and one to Walgreens for general merchandise and to refill a prescription, respectively, within the last few weeks. While I was in Walgreens in particular -- mainly because they're all the size of my kitchen now -- I noticed that the whole Plan B display was completely empty. The comedian in me saw how that could be a trip, what with St Valentine's Day approaching, but thought nothing of it.      When I went to Walmart, I had to go to the health and beauty section for body wash and such items. Passing the "family planning" section, I noticed--... wait... Does anyone other than me find it at all weird that what they call the "family planning" section of the drug stores is ACTUALLY the "planning NOT to make a ...

     Where were we? Oh yes, ride along!      They arranged to come and get me two days later, of course after assembling their team and getting the marching orders coordinated with all involved participants.  Gotta make sure no one gets smoked not knowing where they should be standing, y'know. The morning of the jumpout, I got a text from Ramsbottom to be ready in an hour and waiting in the front at the end of my driveway. I got ready and let the dogs out one last time for the afternoon and we were off as soon as they arrived. Before setting out, they explained that THEIR legal duty is that I, as a civilian, had to sit back and observe only.  I could not be involved or in the line of potential fire, or even visible in their body cams. This means they would not be allowed to let me out of the car until whatever happens has happened, and that anything I saw in this interaction would have to be from whatever distance they parked.    ...

  (this pic again?  y'all know what time it is!)      So I'm home Tuesday afternoon, on my lunch break enjoying Monday night's leftovers when the dogs snap to attention. Someone is outside. As a general rule, I don't address people who come to my door without me expecting them unless they're delivering a package -- which kind of means I WAS expecting them -- instead I'll just leave their asses on the porch until they lose interest and move along. I won't even check the camera. This particular visitor, though, they rang the bell four times and then started knocking. "What the hell!?" I say as I go to the door and open it...      Instinctively, I lock the screen door and take a step back when I see one uniformed officer and another man who is clearly law enforcement as well before addressing them. Once I make this maneuver and focus on who is standing on my porch, my expression changes... Me: "Well I'll be damned, never thought I'd s...

"Bro I'm finna crash the fuck out and need you to talk me down." So we just all gas and no brakes here on this fine afternoon, huh. Me: "First of all, why the fuck you at my house at noon on a Tuesday?" Homie: "I told you, I'm about to crash out on this b--..." Me: "Crash out on WHO!? And for what?" Homie: "My wife, man... You know when I work from home, everyone in the house knows to leave me alone in the basement unless I come upstairs. I come up on a break and find a positive pregnancy test in the upstairs bathroom." Me: "Congratulations, my G." Homie: "I had a vasectomy in 2023." Me: "Valid crashout, lemme get my shoes and we'll ride out." Homie: "That's what I needed to hear."      Damn, it is Tuesday in frigid-ass fuckin January and Phillip has to go out and do Moe Phillips shit on my homie's wife without a plan. This is gonna be good. I tossed on some shoes, grabbed m...

  "Moe, I don't know that this is your wheelhouse, but I'm running low on options now... My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now, and are having a bit of a problem. We're wholly on the same page as far as family goals, i.e. we definitely want children while we're still young enough to enjoy it and have been trying, but we've had trouble conceiving. After months of trying, we saw a doctor and she was diagnosed with a condition that will make conception difficult, and even if successful may not see all the way to birth. We were heartbroken, but not near as much as we would be when we learned the COST of adoption with mind on our preference for a newborn or the non-insurance-covered cost of surrogacy. What we seek from you is advice on how we might be able to proceed in starting our family? We want a newborn, would love to involve our own progeny if at all possible and for it to not break the bank. Please help!"      What I have not tol...

  I was off work on Tuesday...      I LITERALLY spent the day on the couch, complaining about the fact that nothing comes on television that interests me in the daytime until I eventually just dozed the hell off. Well, almost literally... I had an appointment in the morning and had to step out into the abusive cold for a couple of hours, but then I was home on the couch bitching about television as I described above...      While teetering between napping and wondering how the hell Pat McAfee can get away with cussing on television at noon, even on cable, I would have SWORN I heard the "chingchingching" sound we've been conditioned to think of when we think of Santa on his sleigh. "I'm trippin, lemme get this little nap in and I got some straightening up to do before anyone gets home" was the first thought in my head and closed my eyes back.      It should be noted that in this house I actually do have a chimney and a fireplace unlike...