The musings of a madman...

  (this pic again?  y'all know what time it is!)      So I'm home Tuesday afternoon, on my lunch break enjoying Monday night's leftovers when the dogs snap to attention. Someone is outside. As a general rule, I don't address people who come to my door without me expecting them unless they're delivering a package -- which kind of means I WAS expecting them -- instead I'll just leave their asses on the porch until they lose interest and move along. I won't even check the camera. This particular visitor, though, they rang the bell four times and then started knocking. "What the hell!?" I say as I go to the door and open it...      Instinctively, I lock the screen door and take a step back when I see one uniformed officer and another man who is clearly law enforcement as well before addressing them. Once I make this maneuver and focus on who is standing on my porch, my expression changes... Me: "Well I'll be damned, never thought I'd s...

"Bro I'm finna crash the fuck out and need you to talk me down." So we just all gas and no brakes here on this fine afternoon, huh. Me: "First of all, why the fuck you at my house at noon on a Tuesday?" Homie: "I told you, I'm about to crash out on this b--..." Me: "Crash out on WHO!? And for what?" Homie: "My wife, man... You know when I work from home, everyone in the house knows to leave me alone in the basement unless I come upstairs. I come up on a break and find a positive pregnancy test in the upstairs bathroom." Me: "Congratulations, my G." Homie: "I had a vasectomy in 2023." Me: "Valid crashout, lemme get my shoes and we'll ride out." Homie: "That's what I needed to hear."      Damn, it is Tuesday in frigid-ass fuckin January and Phillip has to go out and do Moe Phillips shit on my homie's wife without a plan. This is gonna be good. I tossed on some shoes, grabbed m...

  "Moe, I don't know that this is your wheelhouse, but I'm running low on options now... My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now, and are having a bit of a problem. We're wholly on the same page as far as family goals, i.e. we definitely want children while we're still young enough to enjoy it and have been trying, but we've had trouble conceiving. After months of trying, we saw a doctor and she was diagnosed with a condition that will make conception difficult, and even if successful may not see all the way to birth. We were heartbroken, but not near as much as we would be when we learned the COST of adoption with mind on our preference for a newborn or the non-insurance-covered cost of surrogacy. What we seek from you is advice on how we might be able to proceed in starting our family? We want a newborn, would love to involve our own progeny if at all possible and for it to not break the bank. Please help!"      What I have not tol...

  I was off work on Tuesday...      I LITERALLY spent the day on the couch, complaining about the fact that nothing comes on television that interests me in the daytime until I eventually just dozed the hell off. Well, almost literally... I had an appointment in the morning and had to step out into the abusive cold for a couple of hours, but then I was home on the couch bitching about television as I described above...      While teetering between napping and wondering how the hell Pat McAfee can get away with cussing on television at noon, even on cable, I would have SWORN I heard the "chingchingching" sound we've been conditioned to think of when we think of Santa on his sleigh. "I'm trippin, lemme get this little nap in and I got some straightening up to do before anyone gets home" was the first thought in my head and closed my eyes back.      It should be noted that in this house I actually do have a chimney and a fireplace unlike...

       Where these motherfuckers be getting my number from? I mean with this one, we knew he had my number but I still don't have a damned clue where he got it from. That's right, my phone rang... Me: "Hello?" Caller: "Okay, so you were right." Me: "About what? Whodis?" Caller: "About selling t-shirts not being worth it  That shit was a WHOLE mess." Me: "Jigga--... Y'know what?  I'm not gon' pile on today... Jericho Jackson!" Jericho: "Yeah man..." Me: "So you going to the welding program to get your certificate?" Jericho: "Dafuq? Hell no! I'm going back to rapping!" Me: "Bro, it's been TWO WEEKS!" Jericho: "I know man, but I made sense of the math you gave me and said 'fuck that'." "Me: "Smart...  But also, your raps were ass!" Jericho: "No, my CONCEPT was ass. I'm getting off the Jiggaboo Jackson thing, I told you tha...

      The cooler it gets outside, the fewer times a week I have to leave my house.  These things are proportional...  I will be back outdoors sometime around March.  At this point, I am up to "put on pants"-level going outside about three times a week...  Four if I am doing the Band Booster Dad thing.  Being stuck-but-not-stuck in the house reveals to me the fact that I am back on actually answering unknown numbers again, as we have discussed at length once in the past. [ Phlip note : Wife Person™ saw me actually do that shit week before last! ]     I guess I can refrain from making this lead-in any longer than it needs to be and g'head and just say it . My phone rang... Me: "Hello?" Caller: "I heard you battled Smoak ." Me: "Ex--...  excuse me?  Whodis?" Caller: "Jericcho--..." Me:  " JIGGABOO JACKSON!!! " Jericho:  "I'm trying to put that behind me, man." Me:  "Everything on the internet is forever ho...

      "Not that this was necessarily what you asked, but yes in fact I have been thinking about this... What if we have been doing this politics and leadership thing all wrong all along? How, you ask? Well what if there is such a marked haste to make every single-ass decision with minds unfortunately clouded by a complete refusal to hear and/or consider opposing views due to not approaching these discussions with anything even resembling clear-enough mind? What if maybe, just maybe, there was an idiot-proof and evidence-shown means to approach each and every single decision with the clearest mind possible and the movers and shakers who make all the decisions have just been ignoring it?     Think about it... This lil shutdown kerfuffle? Over before it starts! Wars, conflicts or even RUMORS of such? No such thing! Budgeting and taxation questions? Damn near self-correcting! People fighting in the Wal Mart parking lot over a spot in line on Black Friday?...

       Sometimes when I get bored, I go to Craigslist... Not because I need or intend to buy anything, just to kill a little time. Don't knock me for this, I've found two of my cars and Yeti doing JUST this.      Anyway, I'm on Craigslist last week and I happened upon a "personal services" ad that REALLY piqued my curiosity, and no I was not in the "pussy for sale" section of the website, I assure you. [ Phlip note : the "pussy for sale" section is more often the "pænis surprise" section, if what I read on Reddit is to be believed ] In the ad--... fuggit, copy/paste time. "Gentlemen, had a rough breakup? Wanna get back at her? Well we're here to help! Contact us at [information hidden] to discuss services we can offer"      Well shiiiid... I'm fully comfortable in a room with my ex for hours on end without addressing her directly, so I don't NEED this service, but I'm always doing on-the-ground research...

       Not to let y'all in on anything more than you want to, need to -- or particularly ASKED -- about me, but I sleep naked no matter the season. The only difference is I close my bedroom door when Ava is at my house and not with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once... Why am I telling y'all all of this? Because we had to deal with a home invasion last night!      We came up to our bedroom and stripped buttnekkid. Wife Person™ turns on the television in the bedroom and puts it on The Blacklist... or Lucifer... or Burn Notice...  whatever...  She turned on the TV and puts it on a show that will serve as background noise until we fall asleep when there's a noise in the living room, it is the Amazon home screen... No biggie. We got these Fire TVs in my house, turning on the TV in our room sometimes catches the sensor across the hall in the guest room or even the living room TV sometimes.      As I head downstairs ...