True Story©... The Snap Back
I hate worse when those things happen to mix themselves with what I've had going on in the meantime before returning.
Worst of all, I hate when the shit happens REAL quickly.
My doorbell rang...
Me: "Nonono, nope... Not doing this again!"
Them: "But I NEED you!"
Me: "You just finished wasting my time in February, what the hell is it now?"
Ramsbottom: "Sadly, it's--…"
Me: "Dammit to hell! Dig Bick Throbbers again!?"
Ramsbottom: "God, I hate having to come to you with th--…"
Me: "… aight, you be easy. Sticky side down, shiny side up."
I attempted to step back into the house and close the door to return to work.
Ramsbottom: "They're not even trying to hide this time. They're back to the old name and all."
Me: "Well we established that they're protected by a power apparently greater than the law "
Ramsbottom: "That was wild… So anyway, we have some intel that you might be involved in some way."
Me: "What kinda dope fiend-ass shit is it to commit a crime and then help you look for the criminal?"
Ramsbottom: "I still don't know exactly who Moe Phillips is."
Me: "Me neither, but what does this have to do with me?"
Ramsbottom: "Blicky Bobby."
Me: "Fucking WHAT?!!?"
Ramsbottom: "You're producing him now, right?"
Me: "How the fuck does EVERYONE who comes to my house or otherwise talks to me know about Jeri--… Blicky!?"
Ramsbottom: "So you do know him personally and professionally?"
Me: "Yeah... So what?"
Ramsbottom: "Listen to this…"
He pulls out a phone and queues up a song...
(Yeah)
Blicky Bobby on the screen
Late night, channel seventeen
Phone lines ringin’ off the hook
One pop, take a look (boing!)
Y’all been waitin’ on a blessing, I’m the mailman
Little blue bottle in my right hand
Label say “Dig Bick Throbbers,” that’s the brand
One chill pill, turn you to the man (oh man)
She like, “Why you walkin’ with a new lean?”
I said, “Baby, this a whole new routine”
Clock strike twelve, you a small-town hobby
Two pills later, now she screamin’ “Bicky Throbby!”
Bicky Throbby, Bicky Throbby (hey!)
Take one time, now she call you Bicky Throbby
From the lobby to the body, you the hot topic
All from a dose of them Dig Bick Throbbers
Bicky Throbby, Bicky Throbby (woah)
Got her savin’ your name as “Mister Never Stop It”
Read that label, then you pop it, now they copy
All from a dose of them Dig Bick Throbbers
Side effects? Yeah, they list one thing
Too much love when your hotline ring
Neighbors know you by your first and your last
‘Cause the wall go “boing” every time you pass (boing!)
She used to dub your calls, leave you on read
Now she camped in your driveway, beggin’ instead
“Who you got in there?” — “Girl, that’s the old me”
New me walk in, whole room scream “Bicky!”
Bicky Throbby, Bicky Throbby (uh)
Take one time, now she call you Bicky Throbby
From the lobby to the body, you the hot topic
All from a dose of them Dig Bick Throbbers
Bicky Throbby, Bicky Throbby (yeah)
Turn shy boys into headline copy
Hit that number on the screen, watch it all get naughty
All from a dose of them Dig Bick Throbbers
[Spoken, hype-voice over beat]
Call now, operators standin’ by
Three easy payments of “Oh my God, that’s my guy”
Results may vary, but these smiles look steady
If your nickname lasts more than four hours
Call… another lady (haha!)
Bicky Throbby, Bicky Throbby (hey!)
Take one time, now she call you Bicky Throbby
From the lobby to the body, you the hot topic
All from a dose of them Dig Bick Throbbers
Bicky Throbby, Bicky Throbby (boing)
Late-night screen, but the love life sunny
Dial that number, get your new hobby
They gon’ be callin’ you Bicky Throbby
That MOTHERFUCKER! I JUST slid him that beat, he didn't tell me what it was for.
Ramsbottom: "So did you know anything about this?"
Me: "He tells me what kind of beat he needs, I cook it up and he comes and gets them on a flash drive. I had never heard that song until now."
Ramsbottom: "Do you think you could talk to him and--…"
Me: "… oh I am GOING to talk to him, like now. I'll get with you later on."
I went downstairs and got my phone, I got a phone call to make…
Jericho: "Phlip! What up?"
Me: "Bicky fuckin Throbby, dude!?"
Jericho: "… oh shit…"
Me: "'oh shit' is right, what is this shit?"
Jericho: "I got a message through my Spotify contact, some guys told me about these pills they was selling and what they was for. The name was hilarious, so I made the song with the beat you--…"
Me: "… with the beat you didn't say what it was for! I don't want to have to chaperone you to the studio to protect my name. We literally JUST made a song about that."
Jericho: "Bro, they was paying cash, and that is easier than chasing royalties."
Me: "Fuck… fair. Well you know that the cops been after them behind them pills for years, and now you -- and by extension, me too -- are persons of interest."
Jericho: "They told me they technically aren't illegal though."
Me: "And that is technically right, but the fact that people who TAKE those pills have been rushed to the hospital matters."
Jericho: "Ahh, like that basketball player overdosed on gas station dick pills back in the day?"
Me: "Bro, you weren't even TEN yet when that happened!"
Jericho: "It was funny at the time."
Me: "Well the PD knows I produce you and, accidentally, that song. If you're contacted by them--…"
Jericho: "… I ain't no snitch, bro!"
Me: "… if you're contacted, I ain't about to advise you how to respond, just know that they might."
Jericho: "Aight, fine… I'll just tell em what I know, which is nothing anyway."
And with that, we ended the call.
I made another call…
Ramsbottom: "That was quick!"
Me: "'cause he don't know shit."
Ramsbottom: "What do you mean?"
Me: "He took the jingle for straight up cash, knew nothing of the proprietor or the product beyond what he was told to write about."
Ramsbottom: "What about you? You produced the track didn't you?"
Me: "I made the beat, based on a vague description he gave me. I figured he was gonna tell a few dick jokes and move along. I mean, he is like 20something. I leave the recording and mastering to him and his engineer."
Ramsbottom: "So you're otherwise outside of the process after the beat is handed off."
Me: "Bingo. But seriously… y'all should probably stop barking up this tree."
Ramsbottom: "Why?"
Me: "They fall into a category of supplements that it is damn near impossible to be illegal. They're operating right out in the open which means they're comfy in their legality or protected from on high -- like say from Santa Claus -- so you're likely just wasting a ton of time and resources."
Ramsbottom: "Maybe we should 'back burner' this one. Thanks for your time."
So here we are… Dig Bick Throbbers out in the wide open now, no secrets. They slid Blick--… Jericho some cash to make a quick jingle for which I was not compensated for my contribution. I'll discuss that with him (and them) later, like when I'm convinced that ol Detective Buttsex will ACTUALLY let this shit go. For now, I'm concerned that he is too emotionally invested in finding SOMETHING illegal in the operation to act upon that he is going to make a mistake sometime soon, or worse come and fuck MY plays up.
For now, though, I've talked him off of it and I hope I can keep it that way for at least a while, because I am tired of thinking about this shit.
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