1,299 Days
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True Story© Party Like it's 1799
Not all of my schemes involve me trying to scare fast money out of the world around me. Quite the contrary, actually. Sometimes I just wish to be entertained. Sometimes – as you have previously read in these stories – I will go to a bit of expense in making these things happen. So one day, I decides to rent out a venue and throw a New Year’s Eve party. The theme was a “Party Like it’s 1799 All White Party.” I would not be bothered with offering ANY further detail as to what exactly I meant by that. FaceBook invites, Pen & Pixel -style fliers, the whole shebang! Pre-sales of the almost-all-included tickets (food and soft drinks/water included but a cash bar for all alcohol purchases) were through the ROOF! Sold on into the hundreds, I was in business despite no apparent attempts to actually be “in business.” Despite my good fortune a couple weeks ahead of this, I was busy as a dime hooker on nickel buttfuck night, because I could not trust anyo
Hotep Movie Moments - Tom Hanks... "Paint it Black"
Welcome back to Hotep Movie Moments! This week, we introduce a new concept that we will from henceforth refer to as “Paint it Black,” wherein we lowlight the cancer that is White Privilege by taking something that is patently white and imagining what would be if that very item happened to be black. Our subject for this exercise this week will be Mr. Thomas Jeffrey Hanks. Look, I know that Tom has an EXTENSIVE library of movies to his credit, and we don’t intend to take up all of your week with this post, so we will focus on only three of them. Without further lining, we will get right into it… Big: In this 1988 film we find Tom as 12 year-old Josh Baskin who wishes to be “big” after being sent away from a carnival ride for being too short. First of all, being “too short” for a carnival ride at 12 is bullshit, as most of them have a lower limit of 4-feet and I was at least that by 12 and I am only 5’8” now as I am closer to 40 than I am to 35. Sor
True Story© Midget Spinners™
Y’all remember Pogo Balls? What about now ? For those of you who smoke too much of the Devil’s lettuce to remember or too damn lazy to click a link and be reminded, they were a toy of the 80’s where a sturdy-ass rubbery ball was stuffed securely into a disc, which would serve as a board to stand upon and jump around on like a pogo stick. As one might imagine, many hilarious injuries would ensue. As the significant other of a public school teacher, I am well aware of the phenomenon of Fidget Spinners and while I have not played with them as a toy, I have sold a few of them for profit and know what a fucking annoyance they are to teachers and the like. I also wish I could have been the one to come up with the concept of them as a TOY and not what they were in their initially-intended iteration. Jealousy will breed either hate or action, and I don’t have the energy to hate. Enter: Midget Spinners™! That’s right, Midget Spinners™! I went on Amazon and
True Story© Hotep Pussy
(If only I had known then what I know now) Sometimes I am inspired… Sometimes I draw on memories of times that are now behind me. Sometimes I let other people’s experiences teach me. Sometimes I know full well what has happened to people resultant of their behaviors and still behave ignorantly just the same. So one day I gets it in my head that I have never actually been with a hotep chick. If you don’t know what a hotep is, I strongly suggest Googling the term and coming back. [ Note: UrbanDictionary for all the laughs] Welcome back. Now, for the sake of conversation, we are being very specific in our definition of “been with,” applying it to mean “made sex with.” I joined a couple of FB groups to do some insider research and get my foot in the door. I did all of the “stay woke” I could muster, dropping the BEST lines I could come up with to ingratiate myself. All the red black and green and "stay woke" bullshit I could cook up to make me more i
Hotep Movie Moment - The Rocky Theory
I have found the very reason that we are not allowed to see many movies about strong Black upliftment from Hollywood. I call this my Rocky Theory, brothas and sistas. Look back at the Rocky movies… Rocky – Rocky matches up against a superior but supposedly cocky Apollo Creed and uses the Black man’s hubris against him and stays upright for the whole fight. No winner was declared, but we all assumed Rocky to be because of how it all played out. Rocky II – Having had his name sullied by being matched by an inferior fighter, Apollo asks for a rematch and is rebuffed. The still-cocky black man spends a whole movie making him take the fight, then LOSES the fight due to a brash obsession with knocking the white man out. Rocky III – Now having disposed of the original cocky negro, Rocky is the best thing ever invented and can move on to new targets. This time, a NEW cocky original African Black man named Clubber Lang assaults Rocky’s precious manager causing him a heart a
True Story© My Battle With Social Awkwardness
(Or do I? Let me stop bullshitting... I regret nothing!) These days I am involving unwitting outsiders in my immature fuckeries… It isn’t quite enough that I combat my social awkwardness and general disdain for human beings with wry and mean-spirited humor anymore. Through all of the practice, I have apparently just gotten good at it. Now I have to take it to a new level. One day we’re at the Asian buffet… Another couple is there, both are reasonably able-bodied, yet she is not getting up from the table. He gets up and brings her a plate of food, waits for her approval and then goes for his own. Okay maybe he is just accommodating to his woman. I can get that. Maybe it is her birthday or perhaps she caught him cheating and he is trying to lick enough boot to not get kicked out the house or something. But I had an issue. A couple of times he came back with plates that she was clearly less than pleased with, and she made a point of making that ins
True Story© Black Eyewitness Guy
I think we can ALL agree that we collectively dislike 'black eyewitness guy'… If you need a refresher on just who that is, let’s let Eddie and Huey bring us up to speed. For those of us who grew up in or near the hood, we’re used to having the news around when some ill shit happens to pop off. Let there be a police chase, a shooting, a stabbing, some local government corruption, a dogfighting ring gets busted up, a city councilman caught getting topped off by an MLK street walker on the corner of McGee St and Cedar in the front seat of his Suburban in 1998 (or was that 99?) ; the fake news media is COMING out. When I was little, I used to think it was exciting to be on the news and would gravitate to the camera when they were wherever we were at a given time and HOPED they would ask me a question so I could be on TV that night. When I grew up, though, I learned this distaste for the media for the shit that they decided that our neighbor