Showing posts with the label Christmas

True Story©… The Network

  I don’t know if y’all know this but for about five years, me and Santa have had what the homies in Houston might call “plex.” If you need to be brought up to speed, please pack a lunch and start  here  and spend a while.   Welcome back.   So yeah…  I figured that Rudolph being down bad was a result of Santa’s abject shittiness and I wound up paying the price for shenanigously attempting to set things right on my own terms.  It has been four years since I learned a lesson so embarrassing that I sometimes still cry myself to sleep just thinking about it.  Part of me, though, wonders how I could have built a clandestine career as Supervillain Internacionale and still let a 1751 year-old fat man get the drop on me like that. I had to get to the bottom of this. [ Phlip note :  oh, y’all thought I was just gon’ let him punk me? ]               I spent major time studying and researching how to reach The North Pole undetected and maybe – POSSIBLY – get a deeper peek into the fat man’s oper

Two Days Before Kwanzaa… A Christmas Poem

  'Twas two nights before Kwanzaa, and down in the trap The cook house was jumping, that’s real shit no cap   The shotgun was set by the bedside with care In case somebody thought I might be scared   The children were nestled all snug in their beds While daddy was bugging mom, for just a little head   Mom in her bonnet and dad his durag Won’t mess up your hair, we got this in the bag   Out on the driveway arose such a clatter, I grabbed the twelve gauge to see what was the matter   Away to the window like Malcolm I posed Careful, prepared to put lead in these thieving hoes   The moon started to shine on the still-falling snow Gave a shine to just like daylight on everything below   When what the fuck to my eyes appear? But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer   With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.   Faster than my pitbulls, how quickly they came they came And then he whistled, and shouted, and shouted their names   "Now,  H

Sometimes you just gotta rob Santa Claus

     This will be a summary… For the past twelve months, I have chronicled my exploits after having attempted to rob Santa Claus for the world’s presents.   What is left out to those who have not been watching since Christmas time 2016 is why . Well here I am to explain it. 1 – Rudolph is a dope fiend [ link ] 2 – Santa is Rudolph’s Dealer [ link ] 3 – BECAUSE Santa is Rudolph’s dealer, he should be robbed [ link ] 4 – Alright…  I am in this situation and now I need to figure out how to make something of it. [ link ] 5 – Shit is now going south, but I am turning it into money right? [ link ] 6 – My greed is getting complicated, but shit is still moving [ link ] 7 – Too. Damn. Good. To. Be. True [ link ] 8 – I’ve been robbed! [ link ] 9 – Fuck robbed, I been kidnapped ! [ link ] 10 – I want OUT of this situation now… [ link ] 11 – … but DAMN this money is good! [ link ] 12 – I’m forever to be a victim of my own desires, [ link ] 13 – The liberal m

True Story©... The Heist

     It is finally beginning to come together, it makes total sense now! First, we learned that Rudolph was a dope fiend.  Then we learned that Santa is a kingpin 364 days of the year and that Rudolph is basically a slave to his own damned dealer. But this shit gets deeper.        In addition to stewing for the past year on the revelation that Santa is an asshole scumbag dopeman, I also live with the fact that writing still COSTS me more than it makes me, I wake up every day and go work with people who do not share my drive and that often frustrates me. I was watching The Wire, and I had myself an idea.  Omar Little was kind of like the Robin Hood of the whole thing.  He was so against the dope dealers that he sustained himself ROBBING them.  That way, he padded his own pockets while preventing them from moving filth in the hood for profit. [ Phlip note : He also didn’t curse, but I possess no such fucking hangups]      Anyway…  Santa is the dope man and has be

It's Christmas Night...

     See-through Sunday…  On a Monday. 8:20pm is when my fingers hit the keys on this one.  I have been awake since 6, and even that was on only about 6 hours of sleep, with reasoning for which I can only blame myself.  I have no work tomorrow and could crash out RIGHT now, but I also don’t want to wake up at 3am, so I am pushing through it.      I moved into this house in August 2009 and closed on it 12 weeks later.  This is my 9 th Christmas under this roof, my 6 th one as a father.  Somehow this one feels different.  I spent it with both my existing and incoming families.  I woke up and had to wait on the babies – one of whom is actually 19 – to wake up so we can start opening gifts.  We made said babies breakfast, a tradition in my family.  I am at the age where it is not about what is in the boxes, but for the reaction of everyone else in the room when they open theirs.  The magic of that littler one’s face when she woke up next after me and sees what Santa left her,

True Story©... Santa's Day Job

     Let’s be honest here, it’s 2017… Santa’s business model is about as feasible and sustainable as congress would have us to believe that trickle-down economics is.  That is to say, a fucking fairy tale.      Perhaps there was a time in history where “give all the kids in the world presents” was all fine and cool.  As Japan and China gadgetized the whole world, though, the cost of development and manufacturing became quite a weight on the fat man’s shoulders.  Bear in mind that he had to continue to pay for the sustenance of his elves and reindeer – not to mention  Rudolph’s rehab fees  – it only made sense that he would need to take on a day job of some sort for the other 364 days of the year if this is to work at all.      Back in the 4 th  century, the original Saint Nicholas would give gifts to the poor – especially poor girls so they could have something as a dowry and remain worthy of marrying by not becoming prostitutes for money – as one might expect a Bishop wh

Christmas Spirit

     Christmas is still three weeks out, yet… From about the time in my life that I would fully credit with making me what I am now, we had some adult-ass Christmases.  I say that to say that we had a couple of things under the tree – if there was a tree at home – and a ton of practical things. Socks, drawz, clothes and shoes fit to be worn to school were staples.      At 12, this was kind of hurtful, but at 38 I would LOVE someone to provide me with some of these things. [ Phlip note : no shit, email me for size/address information] There was no secrets at the time as to why things were the way they were, and since we liked to live and eat, indoors at that, we had no good reason to complain.  We appreciated what we had.      On into actual adulthood, I was kind of conditioned not to give a whole lot of a fuck about the general mechanics of Christmas given our history with it.  A gift or two to the people around me, special focus on helping the kids to not feel what I

True Story©... Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

True Story©…                 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This is one that has been up for debate for many years.  We’re to understand that Santa already had his reindeer fleet set to go, and all of a sudden another one shows up out of nowhere with a bright red nose?  Nah dawg, that ain’t how the story went.  It CAN'T be.  Today, I am here to lay it out for real.                 We readily believe that Santa handles his Christmas duties every year with the same 8 reindeer; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…  Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (admit it, you sang that shit, didn't you?) .  All of a sudden, after 100 years there is a new reindeer at the North Pole?  HOW LONG WAS THIS DUDE THERE?!!?  And to make the story just a little more juicy, how about the fact that one that no one was allowed to see or hear of him from the beginning of the Santa Claus story in 1839 to the discovery of Cocaine in the late 1850s and then still remaining COMPLETELY hidden until th

Phlip - 1, Black Friday - 0

            So it’s 4:30pm on Black Friday.  I had successfully managed to not have to leave my house to do anything other than pay a couple of bills as I might do on any payday Friday I should so happen to not have to work.  Hell, it is what I would do if I HAD to work.  Stops also include also payday standards Food Lion and ABC (grocery and liquor for those who don’t live here) for the items I would normally acquire to get me through a weekend.             As my child is still only one year and four months old, she does not yet have the tastes that even MIGHT require that I stand out in the ball-chillingly 25º morning before a store opened to buy her anything.  Responsible adulthood has unlearned me the habit of really wanting many things for myself that aren’t directly tied to the experiences of holding down my house for Ava and my wife.  About noon, coming in from taking my mother with me to the grocery store for a second time and returning back after dropping her off and