True Story©... Public Encouters

 

    I'm so into my shenanigous adventures that I often forget shit I've done soon after I've done it sometimes. As someone who so frequently goes outside JUST to do stupid shit I REALLY need to work on that, as I am often the member of my household chosen to go out and do the things; gas and grocery runs and such.
Why am I telling you this?

    Well this past weekend, I went on some errand runs with my wife. This naturally placed me in at least three retail establishments among the public.
We're heading toward the registers when we -- well, I -- heard from behind us "aye, ain't you the n**ga man? When I say I *heard* him, I must explain that I heard it as background noise not terribly unlike what one would normally encounter in a Walmart. It was not until he approached and tapped me on the shoulder that I became aware that it was me that he was asking.

Him: "Aye, bro, ain't you the n**ga man?"

Wife Person™: "EXCUSE ME?!!?"

Him: "Nah ma'am, nah... He had come to the house like two years ago, said he was collecting money for these lil nog--... what was it, nig--..."

Me: "Naugas!"

Wife Person™: "Phillip what the fuck is a nauga?"

Me: "Naugas are the poor little animals being slaughtered for naugahyde, Wife Person™."

She just rolled her eyes and walked off disgustedly.

Him: "So how's your farm coming along?"

These dudes gave me $162, I'm pretty sure I spent that shit on sneakers or watch parts or something. I'm on the spot.

Me: "Shit was going smooth for a minute, but I developed some health issues that took up my time, I had to pass the mission on to PETA because I was not physically able to do the work for a little minute."

[Phlip note: don't ever let it be said that I don't think on my feet... Never!]

Him: "Aww damn bro, I'm sorry to hear that. You good now though?"

Me: "Yeah, I was declared good a few months ago. Cleared for full contact. I wish I could, but I can't keep moving my naugas around like that so I'mma leave it in their capable hands."

Him: "I dig that... you be safe out here bro."

Me: "Thanks man, you do the same."

    Oh shit, that was CLOSE. The nauga knocking day was a far distant memory by now.
... but now I gotta deal with my wife...

    When I caught up with her, to say her expression showed "nonplussed" would be an understatement.

Wife Person™: "What the heck was that?"

Me: "I met that guy on one of my Saturday adventures a couple years ago."

Wife Person™: "You aren't getting off that easy."

Me: "Him and his roommates donated some money to my cause."

Wife Person™: "... continue..."

[Phlip note: FUCK!!!]

Me: "I told you! An adventure."

Wife Person™: "and that's all you said."

Me: "I told you over there, I was trying to scrape together funds to open a nauga rescue and farm."

Wife Person™: "I don't know why I ask you shit."

Me: "Because you're a glutton for punishment and can't help asking a bunch of questions."

Wife Person™: "Not funny... So you're out here scamming people for money?"

Me: "To be fair, I almost got smoked by a Vietnam veteran that day and--..."

Wife Person: "... and you'd have deserved it!"

Me: "... and these guys were the last one I approached. Again, if we're being fair, they were too fuggin high to understand what I was telling them, but paid me because they found it funny. I didn't even offer them anything or lead anyone to believe I was selling anything."

Wife Person™: "And where are these things... these naugas?"

Me: "You'd have to ask Uniroyal where they are now."

Wife Person™: "The tire company?"

Me: "Yeah, they own the trademark now for a while now."

Wife Person™: "Why do you KNOW this?"

Me: "Boredom often drives me down an internet rabbit hole. You should be glad that I'm using that wasted time to read and not on smut."

Wife Person™: "I hear you on YouTube every day listening to those silly HOA nightmare podcasts or watching lawn care videos."

Me: "Can we go now?"

Wife Person™: "I really don't know why I let you go outside without adult supervision."

Me: "Because I'm 46 and you can't stop me?"

Wife Person™: "..."

Me: "Because when I go away, you can endlessly scroll TikTok without me interrupting?"

Wife Person™: "..."

Me: "Because you have my location at all times and you know that most of the time when I leave the house, it's--..."

Wife Person™: "--... I GET IT!!!"

    Mission accomplished. A chance encounter from my past conspired to muddy my whole evening. I had to take the conversation a bunch of random ass directions to get myself out of it.
I bet she'll find another reason to bring this shit back up though. For now, I'mma have to avoid taking her places where I might be seen in public though.