Showing posts with the label detective woodpenis

True Story©... The Boyscout

  It went up for sale, y’all… For all my meticulous calculation in the use of what I inferred was abandoned historical property ripe for my use, the sumbitch went up for sale IMMEDIATELY when I was done with it. Wait… I hope you remember what I am talking about , as it has only been like six weeks. I have made a point of NOT going the direction of the factory since my felonious actions in May, moreso about not being seen and corroborated in any upcoming discussion of what happened that day with any applicable authorities. I’m just glad Woodpenis has gone federal and is likely no longer interested in what me and my bullshit can do for him. If you’re new here, welcome… If you’ve been here before, you know my phone is about to ring… It’s a 336-370 number and since school is out for summer, I know it is not my wife or my daughter's school.  Likely someone downtown for something or another. Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Hi, good afternoon.  Is this Phillip?” Me: “Depends on who is aski

True Story©... Get Out Of Jail Free!

  Life is pretty boring lately… I say that to say that there is plenty going on but most of it is pretty mundane “adulting” shit.  I guess one could see how that might mean things are pretty okay but knowing/observing how my brain works, one could ALSO see the need for some excitement.  I mean, I know spring is right around the corner and will bring with it constant yard work and sundresses (and the cleavage that comes with those) , but right now is right now. As I reached the end of my chain, my phone rings – my PERSONAL phone – and I kind of have to answer that when it rings for reasons I don’t need to get into right here and now. Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Phillip, it’s me…” Me: “Sir, there are like eight billion people on this planet.” Caller: “Detective Woodpe–… fuck–…  SHIT!!!  Detective Woodcock.” Me: “Naughty, naughty there, detective Woodpenis, you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Woodpenis: “My mother is deceased.” Me: “And you’re sitting around kissing on her instead of bur