Showing posts with the label detective woodpenis

True Story©... Get Out Of Jail Free!

  Life is pretty boring lately… I say that to say that there is plenty going on but most of it is pretty mundane “adulting” shit.  I guess one could see how that might mean things are pretty okay but knowing/observing how my brain works, one could ALSO see the need for some excitement.  I mean, I know spring is right around the corner and will bring with it constant yard work and sundresses (and the cleavage that comes with those) , but right now is right now. As I reached the end of my chain, my phone rings – my PERSONAL phone – and I kind of have to answer that when it rings for reasons I don’t need to get into right here and now. Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Phillip, it’s me…” Me: “Sir, there are like eight billion people on this planet.” Caller: “Detective Woodpe–… fuck–…  SHIT!!!  Detective Woodcock.” Me: “Naughty, naughty there, detective Woodpenis, you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Woodpenis: “My mother is deceased.” Me: “And you’re sitting around kissing on her instead of bur

True Story©… A Very Merry Woodpenis Christmas

       “Frenemies” If you have ever watched Justified on FX as I did when I binged all six seasons and the whole of the spinoff a few months ago, you know what that is.   As you may or not be aware, I have made a bit of one of those in our own local law enforcement here lately.   I promise shit didn’t start out that way, but a strange series of mishaps made that bed for me.      I recently gained the knowledge that he may be finally cutting me loose in order to move on a little further.   Part of me is glad to have him out of my ass – pun intended – but part of me will miss having a local law man who owes me favors so big that he has to honor requests or perhaps have a conversation with Internal Affairs. It all started last month with a phone call… Me: “You know if you keep this up, we are gonna have to sit down and discuss our thing with my wife.” Woodpenis: “Well if things go to plan, we might not need to have that conversation.” Me: “Well Detective Woodpenis, what are yo

True Story©… The Big (little) Getback

       Y’know?   Sometimes I have the toughest of times getting out of my own damned way.   I should say, I guess, that my own way finds a way of staying in front of me.   Every time I think I have dispatched of a former situation, something directly related to it finds its way back into my life.      As the two of you may recall, I once tried to make a movie and the whole thing literally and figuratively went up in flames.   I escaped the situation – again literally and figuratively – unburned until I was revisited by it a couple of years down the road. My handling of it all seemed to me that I had rid myself of it to the point where I could go on with my life.   New house, new puppy, new outlook and all.   Everything is good right? RIGHT?!!? Wrong™!      [ Phlip note : unless you received a DM from me on Instagram at/about 4pm on November 12 rd , please click the link below before continuing ] [ link ]      Now just why in the great blue hell would I be yammering on ab