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Showing posts from 2021

True Story©… A Christmas Karen

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  Okay, so Christmas is in a couple of days here… WHILE we’re bawls deep in Christmas season and selectively filled with Christmas spirit in our second pandemic Christmas, life has to continue moving along as well. In the course of “life moving along,” I find myself in Wal Mart more than any sane human being should ever comfortably be tasked with going to.   One of the benefits of my move is that I am no longer three blocks from a Neighborhood Market and now live less than a mile from a Supercenter. So Monday afternoon on my lunch break, I ran down to grab a few things.   My trip, as far as my own items, was largely uneventful, but as I was leaving self-checkout on the way to the truck, I heard some kind of ruckus coming from the Customer Service Desk and decided to be nosey. Lady Customer: “What do you mean you don’t know!?” CSR: “I mean, I can’t check the stock from up here, you’ll have to ask in Electronics.” Lady Customer: “Well can’t you, like, CALL them for me?” CSR:

True Story©… Booomerang

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       Imagine being a creative being who spends an exorbitant amount of time in your own way while trying to create…      For those keeping score at home, back in 2017 I attempted to make a movie.   I was wrong as shit, using little people labor and never explaining to them what it was I was up to in the moment.   In my own bit of karmic comeuppance, I saw the whole thing literally go up in smoke and almost cost me my whole damned shirt in the process… …   almost… Small (pun totally intended) details in the background saved my ass legally and civilly.      But in the real-real world, I was still found.   Three years ago next week, I was located by one of the involved little parties and accosted for ideas for an “out.”   Just my fucking luck, I know. I cooked up a quick scheme to get him out of his (and my) own way and all is well, right? RIGHT?!!?      Wrong™!        I.ve often joked about the FBI agent across the street from my house in the woods.   I no longer live a

True Story©… Ding Dong--… BITCH!!!

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       Welcome back…   We present all new from a new address that a couple of you have visited and gotten fitshaced drunk with me.   The other 5 weeks of my residence have been spent re-learning this as “home” and working to pay the bills in this place.      We closed on 10/20 and 10/22 (dateS plural, you know only if you’re connected to both me and wife person on the BookFace) . In the weeks since, I have been painting, heavy lifting, shutting the fuck up working hard at being the best daddy I can be to Ava in spite of the efforts of my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with one time.      What also transpired in these intervening weeks was our anniversary (11/09) and the now-biannual Thanksgiving beach trip,   I might explain that the Biannual trip used to not have a prefix, but I didn’t have a married-into family who was alive and active until I married an actual wife in 2018.      For the past few years, we lived in a house I’d bought in 2009…   It was the only home that my d

It Started with a Christmas Album

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  used with permission ( link 1 ) ( link 2 ) I ain’t e’em WANT to sell my house…      Four weeks before this was all in motion, we took the girls to the Tanglewood Festival of Lights.   If you don’t know, going there usually means you will be in your car for 3-5 hours, and this time was more on the five side of things.   With children in the car, my phone was not to be the one that sourced the music for the ride.   Instead, we listened to a Christmas album. I HATE Christmas albums, but this one was jazzy and the singer had--… this VOICE.   I asked the wife person “who is this?” at least 621 times.   She explained who and then how she knew/knew of her each time I asked, since we were in traffic with the car in park.   The jazzy sounds and buttery voice had me hooked.      In November, my last previous neighbors had moved and after prepping the house, the company that owned it opted to SELL instead of seeking a new tenant.   To the surprise of ALL involved parties, the house snared

True Story©… Karens gon’ Karen

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       No need to remind me that I have been M.I.A. for over a month…   Trust me, I pay to be here and know when I let a week go by without having written anything.      Anyone connected to me on BookFace or close enough to me to receive a text about the progress knows that I recently sold my house and I am currently under contract to replace it.   With that said, I have been BUSY preparing the house for sale, responding to necessary shit contained in the inspection/appraisal, THEN packing shit up to go and making arrangements for it all.   This is ALL while simultaneously playing the role of the buyer on the other house.   Needless to say, this shit is exhausting.      Well at this point, I am two weeks post-move and 13 days post-close.   I got a big check, y’all! That check is not the point here though.   Currently, we’re in a temporary spot, a short-term rental, where we are living (and I am remotely working) in wait for our closing date.   Apart from being CLEAR on the other e

True Story©… Back to School

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       It’s that time of year again…   Y’all know, the one where I am dragged into a classroom to assemble and move shit despite not particularly wanting to have to do it. To be honest, I am thankful to the Wuhan Bat Flu for closing schools at the beginning of last year and limiting ANY visitors when they finally did open in the last quarter, thereby saving me from breaking a sweat.      This story is not (necessarily) about that. Saturday before last, while I was on the above-mentioned unpaid hauling/cleaning mission(s), I noticed the message flash across the television in my wife’s classroom about football tryouts.   Well sheeeeeit…   When I was in middle and high school, I wasn’t able to do such things due to reasons. Me: “I’mma go out for football.” Wife Person: “What!?” Me: “It says football tryouts are Thursday immediately after school.   I’m coming to live out my dreams!” Wife Person: “Whatever…   Do what you want.” See?   She don’t even be LISTENING to me.   The d

True Story©… I’ve Been Located!

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  Somehow I knew this day would come…      After years of supervillainous behavior, the tortures, the driving people literally insane, the competitions…   I fuckin’ KNEW this day was coming.      The picture you see above is from my front porch.   It was there when I got home from the gym yesterday morning.   For those who had been unaware of what one actually looks like, that is the shell of a cicada. For those of you have been paying attention through the last little while, you know I am a fan of using cicadas for my own personal gain. [ link ] [ link ] [ link ] Look, I have watched enough crime/espionage shows to spot a tail and make sure I am not being followed or tracked, but I am concerned right now that someone has smoked me out and learned my identity and used the cicada shell to indirectly let me know they’re onto me.      This really is my own fault.   I didn’t spend enough time sharpening my M.O. before employing the cicadas.   I am sure I have allowed myself to be

True Story©… Tokyo 2020

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       Another Thursday morning, another instance of me explaining where the hell I have been for the previous couple of weeks. The short answer, here, is “in Japan.”      The long answer is the one you’re getting though, and it perfectly aligns with the “menagerie of shit that could only happen to me” that you’ve become accustomed to. This all started back in late April with a phone call… Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Hi, this is [redacted] from the USOC, and--…” Me: “United…   States…   Olympic…   Commission?” Caller: “Correct, sir and we’re calling in reference to--…” Me: “And you’re aware that the last time I participated in any organized sport was 80 pounds ago, right?” Caller: “Well we’ve been recently advised of your RECENT prowess, and this is in an event that doesn’t necessarily require athletic acumen.” Me: “This should be good.   Which event?” Caller: “Skeet shooting.” Me: “HA!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!” Caller: “Did I say something wrong?” Me: “I don’t thi