True Story©… Karens gon’ Karen


     No need to remind me that I have been M.I.A. for over a month…  Trust me, I pay to be here and know when I let a week go by without having written anything.

     Anyone connected to me on BookFace or close enough to me to receive a text about the progress knows that I recently sold my house and I am currently under contract to replace it.  With that said, I have been BUSY preparing the house for sale, responding to necessary shit contained in the inspection/appraisal, THEN packing shit up to go and making arrangements for it all.  This is ALL while simultaneously playing the role of the buyer on the other house.  Needless to say, this shit is exhausting.

     Well at this point, I am two weeks post-move and 13 days post-close.  I got a big check, y’all!
That check is not the point here though.  Currently, we’re in a temporary spot, a short-term rental, where we are living (and I am remotely working) in wait for our closing date.  Apart from being CLEAR on the other end of the 68th-largest city in the US from my family and pretty inconvenient to basically anything I love other than food, this is pretty okay to be honest.

  or it was, I should say…

     Saturday afternoon, I am walking one of the dogs and one of my current neighbors pulls me aside to discuss the neighbor upstairs from me.  Apparently, she suffers from some kind of mental illness and frequently beefs with the other residents in the building.  Especially, it seems, with the owner of the unit that we are in.  This has involved purposely flooding her own shit and therefor leaking water downstairs.  Also, she has frequent episodes of trying to kick in people’s doors and even once setting her own car on fire in the parking lot.  I was told to try to steer clear of her and avoid engaging if she is in an episode, just call the police.  Apparently, she’d had some kind of late-night episode that included loud crying and some yelling with a neighbor.
Fuck, I go to bed early and these walls and floors are SOLID so I heard nothing.

     Weekend goes by and the only thing I noticed was that she comes and goes A LOT, and for some random-ass reason, arms the alarm on her car whenever someone is outside and randomly sets it off as soon as she gets into or before getting out of it.  I got city dogs, so car horns make them bark.

So now it’s Monday morning, right?  I get up at 6am and walk my boys in the designated space for such things.  I have not seen anyone.  I make my breakfast – chicken sausage and two scrambled eggs with rye toast – and I have not seen any action.  10am comes, I walk the boys again.  Noon rolls around and the boys are asleep.  I go down to the car to run a couple of quick errands and there is a cop in the parking lot.

Cop: “Excuse me sir, are you in 2d?”

Me: “3d, actually…  See?”

Cop: “Ha!  I get it.  Are you in unit 2d though?”

Me: “Why?  Am I under arrest?”

Cop: “Well we have a complaint about your pit bulls menacing people in the complex.”

Me: “Pit bulls?”

Cop: “That’s what the report says.”

Me: “Look…  I’m gonna reach for my phone.  Please don’t murder me.”

Cop: “…”

Me: “Check out this picture.”

Cop: “Mmhm?”

Me: “The black one is twelve years old and the brown one is 18 months.”

Cop: “Okay…”

Me: “They’re 13 and 15 pounds, respectively.  The picture is them doing exactly what they do with most of their time.”

Cop: “I see.  Well I--…”

Me: “No, I am not even opening the door without a warrant.”

Cop: “But…”

     Meanwhile, the shaggy brown one is yipping his head off because I am LITERALLY 20 feet from the window.

Me: “’but’ nothing…  Either accept that yapping you hear as confirmation, or come back with a warrant.  He's right there, you can see him in the window.”

     Obviously defeated, and apparently not willing to grease me right here in the parking lot, he thanked me for my time and got into his car.  I went to run my errands and he was gone.
It seems the lady was watching the whole shit from the window.  When I came back 20 minutes later and got out of the car, she randomly beeps the horn four times right next to me.  Every time since her failed attempt at murder-by-police, she has made a point of glowering EXTRA hard at me in passing and not even returning my “good morning” greetings.

     Tuesday, I take a 30 minute walk after a quick trip to the store and come back to find her trunk hanging wide open.  Knowing what I know about cars, I know she can’t arm the alarm with anything open.  Clear through the day, it stays open and no beeping alarm.  AS SOON as I prepare to head downstairs to run my lunch errands she goes out to her car and camps out.
Needless to say, I Was trapped in the condo until she either left or came back up to hers.

I’m beginning to think this woman who has never actually met or spoken to me dislikes me for some odd reason.

       this is me hoping that my closing date can be moved up and I can get back into my own space.


Pay said…
Damn brother, when it pours huh. I wonder how Karen would react to an impromptu reunion of some of our more nefariously illustrious childhood friends, at your residence..Lol

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