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Showing posts with the label santa's coal

True Story©… A Very Merry Woodpenis Christmas

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       “Frenemies” If you have ever watched Justified on FX as I did when I binged all six seasons and the whole of the spinoff a few months ago, you know what that is.   As you may or not be aware, I have made a bit of one of those in our own local law enforcement here lately.   I promise shit didn’t start out that way, but a strange series of mishaps made that bed for me.      I recently gained the knowledge that he may be finally cutting me loose in order to move on a little further.   Part of me is glad to have him out of my ass – pun intended – but part of me will miss having a local law man who owes me favors so big that he has to honor requests or perhaps have a conversation with Internal Affairs. It all started last month with a phone call… Me: “You know if you keep this up, we are gonna have to sit down and discuss our thing with my wife.” Woodpenis: “Well if things go to plan, we might not need to have that conversation.” Me: “Well Detective Woodpenis, what are yo

Sometimes you just gotta rob Santa Claus

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     This will be a summary… For the past twelve months, I have chronicled my exploits after having attempted to rob Santa Claus for the world’s presents.   What is left out to those who have not been watching since Christmas time 2016 is why . Well here I am to explain it. 1 – Rudolph is a dope fiend [ link ] 2 – Santa is Rudolph’s Dealer [ link ] 3 – BECAUSE Santa is Rudolph’s dealer, he should be robbed [ link ] 4 – Alright…  I am in this situation and now I need to figure out how to make something of it. [ link ] 5 – Shit is now going south, but I am turning it into money right? [ link ] 6 – My greed is getting complicated, but shit is still moving [ link ] 7 – Too. Damn. Good. To. Be. True [ link ] 8 – I’ve been robbed! [ link ] 9 – Fuck robbed, I been kidnapped ! [ link ] 10 – I want OUT of this situation now… [ link ] 11 – … but DAMN this money is good! [ link ] 12 – I’m forever to be a victim of my own desires, [ link ] 13 – The liberal m

True Story©... The Big Payoff pt XII

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“You do NOT want to hear the punchline to that joke…” I TRIED to warn that asshole.      Standing in the former parking lot of a months-ago-razed factory/former department store. Watching a group of crazy non-agent SWAT team run off with my coal bag, willfully unaware that it won’t produce without me. The federal agents selected to bail me OUT of this shit in their car and leaving me to my own. I am pretty much standing here holding my dick. How did they pull this shit off at 4:23 in the afternoon?  No time for that, I need to get in my car and cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee figure out my next moves.  I know I am PROBABLY going to receive two phonecalls behind this shit.  Or one phonecall and a visit.  Or no phonecalls and two visits.  Or the SWAT team is coming to my house next. FUCK!!!  Coming to my house?  I don’t need that.  I called Mimi and sent her some money via cashapp and told her to get a room until I tell her home is safe to return to.

True Story©... The Big payoff pt XI

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     For 241 years of American history, it would be a mark of honor to be specifically mentioned by the President of the United States in most capacities. Beginning on November 9, 2016 the dynamic changed to the point where being mentioned by the president was a miss-or-hit affair.  “Don’t you mean ‘hit-or-miss’?,” I hear you asking.  Trust me, when this motherfucker talks about anything, it is soon going to hell.      So now I am no longer a dude who tried to rob Santa for all the world’s gifts and got a undepletable bag of coal for my troubles, I am now a thug with a shotgun who threatens members of the media.      In the past ten months, I have been… -    Roped into a domestic (illegal) sale of coal… -    … parlayed that into sales into other industries… -    … parlayed THAT into even bigger profits and made a ton of money; more than enough to last me a lifetime if invested properly… -    … got greedy right about the time the international market wanted to p

True Story©... The Big Payoff pt X

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“this orgy ain’t fun no more…” (if only I’d have known how prophetic those words would become)      The funny thing about the government getting involved in shit is how quick they are to complain about the media meddling in shit while pretending not to know that the media is the VERY official but unstated fourth branch of the government. But let them be the one driving the narrative and the media they just hated are their best fucking friends.      I got shook down and, let’s face it, robbed by two rogue FBI inspectors who quite apparently entered no paperwork on their interaction with me as they tried to get my source of income and not do what was right by the American people as far as national security goes.  And I KNOW I was dead wrong… …  at least I know now.  When I was at it, all I knew is that I was trying to make the best of a bad situation of my own design.  Domestic and international laws were really the least of my concerns. I should probably me

True Story©... The Big Payoff pt IX

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     I bought an Audi. All I did was buy a fucking Audi! I didn’t sell any drugs, perhaps I was wrong for having dealt with a foreign government, and the inconvenience of the logistics of dealing with them leaves it where I am done with those smelly motherfuckers first chance I get ANYWAY.      But here I am, shackled to a chair and cuffed to a table with a couple of federal agents staring at me with the stinkface… Agent: “So…” Me: “Look, just tell me what you need to know.” Agent: “Wanna tell us where you got this shiny new Audi?” Me: “You know EXACTLY what dealership I bought it from, they sent you the paperwork that helped you find m--…” Agent: “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN!” Me: “Well…” Agent: “Where did you get the money?!” Me: “Coal money” Agent: “Coal money?” Me: “Coal money” Agent: “Look, asshole, nothing in your family history suggests any coal country connections, and the amount of coal it would take to make even THIS kind of mon