True Story©... Sage Advice Only

 

I've been doing this all wrong...

    It has occurred to me that everyone who has come to me -- be it as Phillip, Moe or Phlip -- for advice over the last few years has received whatever nonsense I could come up with on the spot. No thought was given to resolutions or even task-based problem solving, just "how can I make this person's situation as entertaining as possible for me?"
The results have been documented in the pages of this very website if you've been around a while. Needless to say, a time was had.

    But again I've been carrying this all wrong. Perhaps, perhaps maybe I've been seeding my own bad karma in seeking my own enjoyment in the situations of others and some of my outcomes have shown this.
But what do I do about it?

    I decided a few weeks ago that it was time for a change...
But hold up a second... I have invested literally SO MUCH time into developing my thought processes to offer up anything resembling "advice" to be the literal exact opposite of that, I seriously don't think I know what to do or say when confronted with the chance.

    Opportunity, however, does NOT wait on readiness. Instead it forces readiness, and boy was the universe ready to do some forcing on this particular day when my phone rings...

Me: "Hello?"

Him: "Yo Phlip... I got this situation."

Me: "What's up?"

Him: "You know we just built this gazebo in my back yard. My mother in law has volunteered our space to host some silly ass little tea party. I don't want to host it because I know it will wind up costing us. My wife agrees, but she wants ME to play the villain to her mother in saying no. How do I, or we, proceed?"

Oh shit... I'm on the spot!

Me: "Shiiiiid... make sure you use a rubber."

Him: "What!?"

Me: "Make sure you use a rubber. A lot of the world's problems would be lessened if more people had just used rubbers!"

Him: "But what does that have to do with the situation with my wife's mother bogarting my back yard space and consuming my resources uncompensated."

Me: "I'on know shit about that... My mother in law has a better entertaining space in her back yard than I do. Good luck, bro."

He hung up, exasperated.

    Y'know what? I think I might be onto something with this one. Where in the history of ever has using a rubber NOT been perfectly sound advice. Yeah... I'mma stick with this one for a while.
Naturally, it wouldn't be long before I had my next chance...

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "I was hoping you'd answer. So check it out. The brakes on my car are making a noise, I don't get paid til Friday and I'm already having to ask my landlord to excuse the late fee because Friday is the 6rd. What do I do?"

Me: "ummm... make sure you use a rubber"

Her: "Wait, WHAT?!!?"

Me: "It's quite simple, really, just make sure you use a rubber."

Her: "Are you suggesting I fuck my landlord to avoid the penalties?"

Me: "I said no such thing. I simply said to use a rubber."

Her: "But, like... WHY!?"

Me: "Are you suggesting to me that using a rubber is not sage advice?"

Her: "Well no I'm not, but--..."

Me: "Shiiiiid, I got one on right now, and I'm MARRIED!"

Her: "REALLY?!!?"

Me: "Fuck no... I'm married as fuck, I ain't bought condoms in years.  I hate those things."

Her: "This is ridiculous. What does a condom have to do with my landlord?"

Me: "Well frankly I hadn't thought this situation all the way through to that point. I'm kinda my own landlord and my mortgage is on auto pay, I only look at that shit like twice a year."

Her: "UGH!!! Why are we still even talking!?"

Me: "I'm here because you needed help, I gave all the help I know how to offer."

Her: "Gee, thanks"

She hadn't even attempted to mask the sarcasm in her voice.

Me: "Aight, you be easy out there okay?"

    Now that I think about it, I can't honestly say I remember the last time I spoke to her, but I'm sure it is shaping up to be one of those friendships where she only calls me with problems and not to check on me or make fun conversations. I'll keep that in mind next time she calls, if she ever does.

    I think I'm onto something here... At no point in the history of human contraception has using a rubber been a bad thing. I mean, there's the exception of people with latex allergies but there remains lambskin and polyurethane/polyisoprene as alternatives. Yeah... I'm sticking with this one for a while, least until I burn all my bridges.
Until then, I guess it's "look out below!"