True Story©... Mournhub

 

    Y'know, maybe I have been chasing the wrong things...
I'm damn good at cutting grass. I'd like to think I'm a decent writer. The raise I've recently been served notice of at my full time job suggests that the person in charge of me is pleased with how I perform during bill paying hours. My daughters and grandbaby are ENAMORED with me, as is basically every dog I ever met.

    But again, maybe I'm going about it all wrong. I've cultivated these abilities based on things that I was already serviceable at. I mean, I've unwillingly participated in a few criminal investigations into things that I may or not have been personally involved in, but I don't claim that.

This all comes down to a phonecall I received last Saturday...

Me: "Hello?"

Them: "Phlip, what's up man?"

Me: "Trying to keep it in the road, y'know... Sticky side down"

Them: "Huh?"

Me: "Enough smalltalk, get to it."

Them: "Thanks... I was actually trying to pick your brain for a second."

Me: "Stop dragging this phone call out, ask the question."

Them: "If you were to start a business, any business, what would it be?"

Me: "I literally sit on my couch every day angry that I waited til I was 44 to take cutting yards seriously. I really wish I had done it when I was 24, I'd be damn near retired now!"

Them: "Wait, but you've like always been cutting grass, nothing else?"

Me: "Are you sitting down?"

Them: "Of course"

Me: "Well get a beverage, cause this is about to be wild"

Them: "Oh shit."

Me: "So I open a funeral home, full service style. We offer the body prep, funeral director, grave digging, professional 'act-a-fool' at the service if the family doesn't already have a certified crashout available, even the notary services."

Them: "What the h--..."

Me: "... I'll call it 'Mournhub'"

Them: "I see what you did there."

Me: "I was actually thinking about this the other day and made a webpage and business card. Hol'up a second, I'll send it to you now."

I backed out of the call and sent him the files.

Me: "g'head and check that email"

Them: "Why is all of this in comic sans? You know they say that is unprofessional"

Me: "Some of it is sans serif as well, I call that my onlysans"

Them: "And what the hell is a 'Mournographer'?"

Me: "In keeping with the theme, I used a word that still rhymes with that P word that one must be over 18 to consume."

Them: "Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Me: "'Lead Mournographer'. Kind of slick, huh?"

Them: "I'm beginning to regret asking you this."

Me: "Yeah, that's why my wife doesn't ask me questions like this anymore."

Them: "Wow."

Me: "So yeah, offering a one stop shop for all your funeral wants and needs... We'd quickly rise to the top of the industry. I'd fancy myself a Mourn Star, if you would."

Them: "I would honestly not."

Me: "Typical... So, anything else you wanna ask?"

Them: "You know what?"

Me: "What's that?"

Them: "I honestly think that whatever you got going on in your brain might be the scariest shit known to man... I will contain these conversations to sports, music and automotive from now on."

Me: "I can accept that."

    And with that, he ended the call.
It has been several days now and I haven't stopped thinking about the funeral home with the tongue in cheek name and business plan.  And if not, at least I have come up with a new way to get people the fuck off my phone.
I think I'mma go to the credit union and try to get this financed.