True Story©... The Ride

 

    I am an awful liar…

I don't mean that as in "I'm awful because I lie a lot," I mean it as in "I am awful at lying".  Yes, there is absolutely a difference

    I tell the band kids all the time to just be straight up with shit, because maintaining a lie is not e'em worth it in the grandest scheme of things.  Something I learned when I was drinking is -- outside of WILDLY entertaining stories -- how hard it is to remember all of the elements of a non-truth when the truth is what actually happened.  You ain't gotta work to remember shit if you stick to what actually happened in the first place.

… unless, of course, you can convince yourself that the lie you're telling is the actual truth, in which case congratulations you're a fucking sociopath and master manipulator.

    Anyway…

I'm just getting off work a couple weeks ago and had to go scout a couple of lawns I cut, plus run quotes on two new ones.  I'm not a lead foot driver, but this was the day where "keeping up with traffic" had me doing about fifty in a thirty five.  Naturally, it was ME who drew the attention of John Q. Law and not any of the cars around me.

Whoever told me that a black man in a Subaru is invisible in traffic fuckin' set me up and I'mma have words with you when I find you.

Now the cop wants to talk to me.

Officer: "Where we going in such a hurry?"

Me: "Huh?"

Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "I know the game, the fifth amendment tells me I don't have to answer that question, as it becomes evidence in court if I try to fight whatever comes next."

Officer: "Fine, YouTube attorney, I see…  you mind telling me where you were going so fast?"

I gotta think of something quick…

Me: "Now this is VERY personal, but I was kinda headed to the north side to get my cork soaked. Man, she a throat goat… matterfact, if you want come on and hop on in, you can get in on this too!"

Officer: "Seriously, sir!?"

Me: "Dead ass"

    Several problems remain, here…  I am a monogamously married man.  I removed all my old hoes from my life when I got with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once, and MAN do I regret that shit, given what happened between us.  I cultivated and then had to separate with my NEW hoes when I got with my current wife, and I do not regret it this time.

I don't have ANYONE I can call with a cop in my car to set up anything like a quick Lewinsky and the only person I have coded enough language with to set ANYTHING up with without tipping him off would actually only be able to get me weed, not a Joe Blob.  It would be VERY GOOD weed, but that isn't useful intel right now.

But now I'm in my car about to have a cop in the front seat, DESPERATELY in need of someone's daughter in North Greensboro to suck him off to get me out of a 50 in a 35, fuck!!

    Cop pulls his cruiser into a BP station, tells the clerk he'll be back for it in a while and hops into my front seat.

Officer: "So where we headed?"

Me: "No money is changing hands, you can stop asking questions now.  You're officially off duty while we're in my car.  I will refrain from triggering your mandatory reporter status if you turn off the cop thing for now."

Officer: "And so you know, I still have my service weapon and a side arm in case this little expedition becomes a kidnapping."

Me: "… and so YOU know, that camera right there is uploading all of this, everything since BEFORE you approached my car,  to three backups in case you decide to 'police in America' me out here."

Officer: "Fair…  so you didn't turn on 29 back there despite it being clear today.  I thought you said we were going to the North side?"

Me: "Huh?  Oh, that's just some shit I thought was funny in the moment.  I wasn't on the way to get a tug and rub, I just remembered the one time Charles Barkley said that shit to get out of a ticket."

Officer: "Barkley!?  Holy shit, did it work?"

Me: "Hell no, he caught that DUI…  so anyway, I figured if you agreed to get in the car and tag team a spit roast with me -- even if it was never gonna happen -- I'd have you on the hook for some corrupt shit ON CAMERA and I wouldn't get a license-threatening speeding ticket."

Officer: "Shit"

Me: "So I'mma run you back to your cruiser, then I will go along with my evening and if nothing happens to me then this footage sits stale in my storage just like the countless hours of me singing off key in this driver's seat."

Officer: "Fine…  should have just given you the ticket."

Me: "You really should have.  I didn't even expect this shit to work.  We're back at the gas station now, I look forward to never seeing you again or needing to know your name, although I have a clear picture of your face and nameplate just in case."

Officer: *lips zipped motion*

    He didn't even say anything else or look back as he went to the cruiser.

And like that, I was on my way back to the house.  The stress of police interaction worked me up to the point where I had forgotten why I'd even left the house to begin with, so I drove straight back to the house, completely white knuckled.

    As I sit here and unpack what just happened, I am somewhere between shocked at myself that I tried some bullshit like that and completely FLOORED that it worked!

… so yeah, maintaining a lie…

I'm retiring early from that shit already.