True Story... Batter Up!

 

    As the two of you may (or probably not) remember, I bumped into a manager from  a company I had previously pulled my time-wasting job interview trick on and wound up getting offered a sham position in order to become eligible to play for their corporate softball league...
I am providing passes for forgetting because October was ten months ago, so you can start with this here link and report back to this post to brush up.

    Welcome back...
Well as promised, I was contacted in late June with my check for seven stacks and a 1099 to file my taxes for an independent contractor position that only technically existed.  In this month and a half since then, I have still not stepped a toe on this company's property since LAST June.  Managing my lawn care schedule and my own work schedule with after-work softball practices and insisting the team meet on Sundays for batting cage visits, I was kind of fashioned as the team's de facto coach.  I mean sure there was a manager who handled when who did what and where, but the preparation for ball-striking was apparently left into my capable hands.

    Come the start of the season, we steamrolled the first three teams and things were looking WAY up.  The manager who had "recruited" me grabbed me up on my way to my car after a game one night...

Him: "You're COMING for that bonus money, I see."

Me: "And why wouldn't I?"

Him: "It is looking like money well spent though."

Me: "It's slow-pitch softball...  I was hitting HEAT in the cages at age 12, man."

Him: "Hey, if it is easy for you then that is good for us!"

Me: "Sounds like a winner to me."

Him: "Winner indeed--...  Speaking of winners, we have [company name redacted] next and they're some heavy hitters!"

I swallowed audibly.

Him: "Something wrong?"

Me: "That's my FULL TIME employer!  Can I sit that one out?"

Him: "Sure, if you're prorating that money."

I had already spent most of it on clearing up more of my revolving credit since I took a beat on some of my yard work to do this because this pays more...

Me: "I guess I'll be here then."

Him: "Don't worry...  Your independent contractor status should shield you as long as your employer doesn't have rules against that."

Me: "Your company is not a direct competitor, so we  good."

Him: "Sweet!"

    Game day comes, I get off WORK-work at 5 and change clothes, head over to the field for a short practice before a 6:30 game.  I am in batting practice, launching MISSILES when someone from another department in one of my former buildings approaches.

Former Coworker:  "All these years and they finally talked you into coming out?"

Me: "Nope!"

FC: "What do you mean?  There is clearly a bat in your hand."

I put the bat down and went to my duffel and fished out my game shirt and put it on.

Me: "See now?"

FC: "HOW?!!?"

Me: "Contract position, I got two jobs and still do the lawn thing on the side."

FC: "Hitting that ball like that, how come you never played with us?"

Me: "Because my mental health dictates that I ONLY deal with y'all between the hours of 730am and 5pm."

FC: "But you--..."

Me: "... contract position."

FC: "Doing what?"

I came DANGEROUSLY close to saying "contract position playing softball" but it would have been loud enough to be heard by the gathering also-former-coworkers as well as current softball teammates.  I caught myself and clammed up.

Me: "Almost game time...  knock em dead out there!"

FC: "You too!"

    As ever, and by the very design of it all, my contract job team absolutely SMOKED my full-time job team.  I hit one home run, two doubles, a single and struck out twice.  To be fair, the strikeouts were a result of me swinging the bat so hard it'd cause a lesser man to shit his pants from the torque.  Even with the strikeouts, I had a pretty damn good game!
After the game, there were the choruses of "atta boys" from the team and the understandable stink-eye from my actual coworkers...  Little did I know that right there, in that parks and rec dugout, would be the probable end to my softball career.

    The game had been on Thursday night, and Friday was eerily quiet.  I expected my desk line or teams messenger to chime from someone who had questions about me somehow showing up for the other guys to beat shit out of my employer's softball team.  It was a lot like waiting on mom to get home that time I called this girl named Crystal a "stupid fuckin bitch" LOUDLY in math class in 7rd grade.  If we're going to drag this metaphor out, the fact that she and half the class were picking on me and she was the one who TOUCHED me would be the equivalent to me being paid in this contract position.
Anyway, asswhoopin'...
Friday went by and the asswhoopin never came!  I clocked the hell out promptly at 4:58 and high-tailed it out of there!

    The asswhoopin came Monday...

[Phlip note: FUUUCK!!!]

It started with a Teams message from my FORMER manager...

FM: "You worked in my department for seven years and never showed interest in playing on the softball team when the sheet came around."

Me: "My blood pressure was also never a problem until I worked for you either...  It's almost killed me twice since."

FM: "Oh.

Still, if you were this good at it, how come you haven't tried to play for the company since?  We really could use someone like you!"

Me: "I have to distance myself from the people I work with as soon as I am not on company time."

FM: "Then how are you playing for another company?"

Me: "Contract..."

FM: "You have a school-age daughter, a side business as I'm told and still full time responsibilities.  Where do you find the time?"

If she had been this attentive and caring about what I had going on 11 years ago, 4 out of 5 of my current health issues wouldn't exist.  Why does she even care about this issue specifically?

Me: "I make it work."

FM: "Might we change your mind?"

Me: "No you might not...  I still need to separate from y'all as a whole after office hours."

    While it stands to reason that I have avoided problems as to HOW this man is "employing" me, I know that a now-current and probably quite pressing issue is that the messy-ass people in my company gossip more than a fuckin sewing circle.
And wouldn't ya damned know it, on Wednesday I get a Teams message from my MANAGER'S boss...

Boss: "Morning, slugger."

I have literally never spoken to this man since he took the position...  I am type fucked already.

Me: "Morning"

Boss: "I talked to my golfing buddy last night, he works at [contract job company]"

[Phlip note: FUCK!!!]

Me: "Nice."

Boss: "Last summer, he told me this RIOTOUS story about a guy who had gotten fired from his job for calling an AVP's wife a word I won't repeat on this company device during a softball game."

Me: "Heh."

Boss: "Imagine how hilarious it was when he told me he bumped into that guy and offered him a sham 1099 position to be a ringer on HIS softball team?"

Me: "I imagine 'quite'."

Boss: "Now imagine the STITCHES I was in to learn that the company that ringer supposedly USED to work for is the one that pays me."

Me: "Wild, I'd imagine."

Boss: "And the shocking revelation to learn that individual has not only never been fired but also  not only refuses to play for the company team but recently showed up to abuse ours."

Me: "ehh..."

Boss: "So how does this go?"

Me: "I got a contract position with them."

Boss: "He has to honor the contract and can't take the money back or I might blab to the league, but you're a free agent and play for the home team now."

Me: "Nope, I explained to her that I develop a weird allergy to y'all after office hours,"

Boss: "But we NEED you!  I can't let this jerk get us this year!"

Me: "Well it stands to reason that y'all better step your game up because I cannot stand to be around coworkers if I ain't getting paid to do it."

    Look at this shit, y'all...
Over just as easily as it started.  Forced into an early retirement because of my former manager's loose lips and my current manager's boss being a hater.

Ehh well, it was fun while it lasted and I got to keep the cash.