Showing posts with the label paternity

True Story©… Accidental Miscegenation

     I live in this weird little world where innocuous deeds of my past often spend years – DECADES – compounding and coming back here in my 40s for a visit. Buckle up, we’re going for a ride this week y’all.      So I’m sitting on the couch with the Wife Person™ earlier in the summer on my lunch break when we get a knock at the door and a ring of the doorbell.   I glance up at the panel and see that it is not one of the neighborhood kids asking can mine come out and play or anyone selling anything.   There is a sheriff department cruiser at the street so I figure I better not ignore this one. Me: “Can I help you sir?” He’s holding a manila envelope and hands it to me… Deputy: “You’ve been served” … fuck™.      Back in the house, I open up the envelope to discover just what it is that I have or am being accused of to end in being served papers of any kind here.   Wife Person™ is similarly interested in the contents of this parcel. Me: “It says I am being summoned to fa

True Story©… We are (Apparently) Family?

       I don’t know if y’all know this but unless I have somewhere to be or something to do directly after work, I watch Maury Povich twice a day every weekday.   Everyone who has watched even one episode knows that Maury’s #1 draw is the paternity tests, complete with the “you are/NOT the father!” declarations.   Witnessing the embarrassment of others live on television is something I find entertaining, for better or worse.   We’ve discussed that before.      Of late – like, say, the last year or two – Maury’s show has been used as a natural “in” to sell up those ancestry DNA testing kits as well.   It is kind of a cruel sick joke that a show that has made their nut on embarrassing the shit out of people to be shilling “legitimate” DNA testing as well, but that is none of my business. So one day last fall, Wife Person sees the ancestry DNA testing segment and says “we should order a kit!”   Without having the brainpower to ask why or even remember how horrible an idea this might

True Story©… Surprise, Matriarch Fornicator!

       I was in Vietnam. No, seriously, I was IN Vietnam!   Read about it here and here , then come back and we will continue…        Welcome back.      The funniest of shit has happened since I have been home during this whole Rona situation… I sit and watch Maury every morning at 11 and then again every afternoon at 5, just to make sure people are still living more shittily than I am.      One day a couple of weeks ago, just as it was going off and my lunch break was beginning, my wife was away at a meeting at her school.   I threw on some shoes and set out to grab some Jamaican food for lunch, a Lyft stops in front of my house and blocks my departure. I hop out of the car prepared to throw hands in the street, and a guy jumps out of the car and yells “FATHER!!!”      Now, a perhaps few of you know that I spent some of my 20s doing some bald-head-hoe shit, so the fact that something like this has not happened by now lands somewhere between being a surprise and of validat