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Showing posts with the label I've been kidnapped

True Story©… Get In The Van!

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       I know I say this a lot here lately, but…   Humble brag: I am in what is among the best shape of my adult life.   This will matter to this story in just a moment.      As it got colder, I retreated my workouts into the garage on the cycle, then eventually to spreading it out over the course of the days, usually in 15-minute increments between tasks at work right here in the office.   Last week it was unseasonably warm, so I decided to gear up and hit the road a bit for my walk/run intervals as I did over the summer at 5:15 in the morning. Having lost over 60 pounds, I am still not a “small” person at 5’8” and a recently-more-muscled 210ish pounds these days, people tend to not bother me.   Perhaps it is the big headphones I wear while I am out, but people nod at me or throw a peace sign and keep moving. …   I’m rambling…      So it is last Tuesday…   I am out and on the road, two and a half miles in, elbows deep into the podcast I am listening to when a car – a van actual

True Story©… A Jester’s Ransom

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       I love dogs…   To be completely honest, I enjoy doggies more than I do most people.   When out and about in the world, if I encounter someone with a dog I ask the owner if I can pet it, unless of course the dog decides to get close to me and be buddies. It drives my wife nuts when I do this, but she knows I live to make new four-legged friends.   Our own dogs here at the house are spoiled rotten because of it.      This isn’t (directly) about that though. This honestly starts about six weeks ago in early April.   The guy we’ve been paying to handle our lawn has been going through some things and had not yet gotten with us to start in on the yard and was already three weeks late, in addition to not having done the winter maintenance on the yard.   Wife person looks to me and asks “you think we should get a lawn mower again?” to which I excitedly exclaimed “fuuuck yeah!” See, in 2018 I had a big little heart health scare that sat me in the hospital for a week and a half, co

True Story©... The Big Payoff pt XII

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“You do NOT want to hear the punchline to that joke…” I TRIED to warn that asshole.      Standing in the former parking lot of a months-ago-razed factory/former department store. Watching a group of crazy non-agent SWAT team run off with my coal bag, willfully unaware that it won’t produce without me. The federal agents selected to bail me OUT of this shit in their car and leaving me to my own. I am pretty much standing here holding my dick. How did they pull this shit off at 4:23 in the afternoon?  No time for that, I need to get in my car and cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee figure out my next moves.  I know I am PROBABLY going to receive two phonecalls behind this shit.  Or one phonecall and a visit.  Or no phonecalls and two visits.  Or the SWAT team is coming to my house next. FUCK!!!  Coming to my house?  I don’t need that.  I called Mimi and sent her some money via cashapp and told her to get a room until I tell her home is safe to return to.

True Story©... The Big payoff pt VI

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     You know what, Phlip?  This is what the fuck you deserve.  You had three customers set to make you a million and a half dollars every six months, but you had to break all kinds of international laws and shit being greedy.      Oh wait!  I’m home, I’m safe and I have one month to figure out how to get my fucking bag back from those crazy-fuck European governmental gangster types.  I’m home, I am safe and I am sitting on enough cash on hand to not EVER have to work again in my life, considering that the only bills I have are “consumption” ones; utilities/food/etc…      But I am also fucking stupid… So here I am, in the FBI Field office trying to explain how I was robbed for a bag of coal by the government thugs of some small eastern European country that I could not name because I was not able to see out of the van I was riding in. Agent: “Okay, so help me understand the damages these people have done to you.  You say they took WHAT from you?” Me: “A bag of coal.

True Story©... King of my Village part 2

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     So when I left you , I was king of a small village, if only because the people who lived there were enamored with my Americanized sense of humor.  It is worth mentioning that Muhammad Ali was dead right when he said “ain’t no Viet Cong ever called me n**ger!”      At home in America, I was a threat.  Too smart and too vocal for “them,” and too weird, too “them” for my own.  And best believe there weren’t enough Viet Congs to not call me that word back home.  Outside of the fact that most--…  fuck it, ALL of these guys had never even seen a black dude in their lives, they basically treated me like another dude.  Until, as I mentioned, they took my weirdness as commendable and made me their leader.      With all of that said, I didn’t wanna fuckin’ LEAVE the place!  They fed me first and best as their king.  As king, I didn’t have it in me to mistreat or even handle them unfairly at all and life inside of the village was never really that difficult.  The rest of the wor