True Story©... Shot Shootin'
"Who?" you ask?
Y'all remember back in October when we accidentally turned on the living room TV and I had to go downstairs to turn it off and found an intruder in my living room?
This motherfucker had the brazen gall to come back to my house!
[Phlip Note: FWIW, with an update to the Fire TV app, they added a power button and now I can power the TV off from anywhere my wifi reaches]
This time, though, he was here in the daytime. I'm in the front yard last Wednesday working on one of my signature double-pattern-triple-pass cuts when an old beat up car pulls into my driveway and parks right next to the yard. Apart from me looking at ANYONE who doesn't know me (and most people who DO, for what it matters) sideways when they park in my driveway instead of on the street, it should be noted that I tend to move all cars to the opposite side of the driveway so I can properly turn the mower around and get my stripes fully edge to edge…
Me: "Bro, I need you to move that. I'm on my lunch break and don't have long to get this d--…"
Him: "I'm sorry, I won't hold you for long, it's just--…"
Me: "Not interested, I'm not going back to spectrum."
Him: "I'm not with--…"
Me: "We're already planning to move on from Vivint."
Him: "No, I'm not selling anything!"
Me: "'the fuck you doing on my property then?"
Him: "We met in October, and I just kind of thought--…"
Me: "Now I know you fuckin lying, I'on e'em go outside except to do this!"
I motioned toward the still-running mower behind me.
Him: "No… unfortunately I tried to B&E your house and wound up getting arrested. That was a rough time in my life."
Me: "Oh well hang tight because it is about to get a bit rougher, lemme run inside and get my Remington. Please remain on the lawn and make sure you're facing me when I come back outside."
Him: "WAIT, NO!!! This isn't about that! I just remember how you came downstairs that night and can't help that I can't stop thinking about it and wondered the whole time if--…"
Me: "You mean when I came downstairs from my own bed naked? Yeah. hold tight, going to get that Remington anyway."
Him: "What? Why!?"
Me: "Well first you try to rob my house. The you not only come back, but you come back like there is some kind of love or lust connect to be had just because you caught me with my dick out at a time I am SUPPOSED to be like that."
Him: "You don't think it was kind of destiny that we HAPPENED to meet like we--…"
Me: "… FUCK NO!!!"
I had my phone in my hand the whole time, sending a text. More on that in a minute.
Him: "You're recording this?"
Me: "No, but you've just reminded me that I probably should be. Doesn't matter, the doorbell has been recording since you entered the driveway."
Him: "Please don't. I'm out on bond right now and it would absolutely not go well for me to even be here, but I just had to know that--…"
His little spiel was interrupted by the distinctive roar of TWO police cruisers storming down my normally-quiet street.
That text I was sending up there? Ramsbottom, and he knew EXACTLY what he was approaching based on my messages beaconing him for an assist as quickly as he could arrive.
He was in the lead car and hopped out almost as soon as his car was stationary, hand NOT on his weapon though. His backup was slower out of his cruiser and didn't do or say anything, just observed.
Buttsex: "Hands up, on the ground now!"
Robber: "Look I'm not here for anything bad, I was just trying to--…"
Me: "Detective, all of this was captured by my doorbell, I'll get you the footage inside the hour if you want it.'
Buttsex: "Fuck da police, huh?"
Me: "That shit sounds real cute until you buy property."
Robber: "So, just--… nothing between me and you?"
Me: "WHAT?!!? Motherfucker, I'm not only straight but also straight and happily married. Fuck outta here. You can have him, Ramsbottom."
The second officer cuffed him upon Ramsbottom's signal and put him in HIS cruiser and skedaddled along , ostensibly to book his ass into jail for contacting a witness while on bond.
Ramsbottom approached me, now sitting on my porch.
Ramsbottom: "Okay, so tell me EXACTLY what happened over here today."
Me: "First tell me there's a wrecker coming to get that piece of shit out my driveway before my Wife Person™ gets home and murders my face."
Ramsbottom: "I'll have one here in about 20. That safe?"
Me: "Yeah, should be about three hours. Okay, so this motherf--… this dude came over here and thought that because he had broken in my crib and seen me naked that there was some tacit connection there to be explored."
Ramsbottom: "While on bond for breaking and entering in YOUR house!?"
Me: "At this exact same residence, no less. No accounting for intelligence. What happens now?"
Ramsbottom: "Bond will be revoked, he is in jail until trial now, PLUS a new charge for what ultimately is witness tampering. You want to do anything with the trespassing/harassment side of this?"
Me: "Nah. I ain't interested in statements, fuck da police."
Ramsbottom: "Hah! There's that spirit."
Me: "Just let him stew in it. I gotta get back in here to work, thanks for getting here so quick."
Ramsbottom: "No problem, you be safe."
Shit, my lunch break is 30 minutes most days. I just wasted FORTY FIVE MINUTES on this bullshit. Now I gotta work til like 630 to clean up my time! And to top it off, I STILL had to come back and finish the yard after work.
Bastard
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