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Showing posts with the label santa claus

True Story©… The Network

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  I don’t know if y’all know this but for about five years, me and Santa have had what the homies in Houston might call “plex.” If you need to be brought up to speed, please pack a lunch and start  here  and spend a while.   Welcome back.   So yeah…  I figured that Rudolph being down bad was a result of Santa’s abject shittiness and I wound up paying the price for shenanigously attempting to set things right on my own terms.  It has been four years since I learned a lesson so embarrassing that I sometimes still cry myself to sleep just thinking about it.  Part of me, though, wonders how I could have built a clandestine career as Supervillain Internacionale and still let a 1751 year-old fat man get the drop on me like that. I had to get to the bottom of this. [ Phlip note :  oh, y’all thought I was just gon’ let him punk me? ]               I spent major time studying and researching how to reach The North Pole undetected and maybe – POSSIBLY – get a deeper peek into the fat man’s oper

Two Days Before Kwanzaa… A Christmas Poem

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  'Twas two nights before Kwanzaa, and down in the trap The cook house was jumping, that’s real shit no cap   The shotgun was set by the bedside with care In case somebody thought I might be scared   The children were nestled all snug in their beds While daddy was bugging mom, for just a little head   Mom in her bonnet and dad his durag Won’t mess up your hair, we got this in the bag   Out on the driveway arose such a clatter, I grabbed the twelve gauge to see what was the matter   Away to the window like Malcolm I posed Careful, prepared to put lead in these thieving hoes   The moon started to shine on the still-falling snow Gave a shine to just like daylight on everything below   When what the fuck to my eyes appear? But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer   With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.   Faster than my pitbulls, how quickly they came they came And then he whistled, and shouted, and shouted their names   "Now,  H

True Story©... The Wrath of the Cicadas

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(yes, y'all have seen this image before)      Don’t call me.   Don’t call me unless someone is dead or fucking bleeding on the way to the upper room. My first several years of reasonably-compensated non-retail employment involved being tethered to a phone and I have learned to hate that shit now, even when that phone is my wireless for most other communication than texts.      June 18 th , day 23 of furlough, my phone rings.   I ignore it from across the room while I play GRID on the PlayStation. …   it rings again.   I holler to my wife in her office in the back “what the FUCK, are you calling me!?”   She is either asleep or ignores me. … it. rings. again.   What the HELL?!!?   I say as I pause the game and head over to the desk to take it off the charger.   It is a weird number, I Google and learn that it is from one of those weird Eastern European countries, like Moldova or Romania or Slavobia or whatever the fuck ever they’re named these days.   Well I ain’t callin

Sometimes you just gotta rob Santa Claus

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     This will be a summary… For the past twelve months, I have chronicled my exploits after having attempted to rob Santa Claus for the world’s presents.   What is left out to those who have not been watching since Christmas time 2016 is why . Well here I am to explain it. 1 – Rudolph is a dope fiend [ link ] 2 – Santa is Rudolph’s Dealer [ link ] 3 – BECAUSE Santa is Rudolph’s dealer, he should be robbed [ link ] 4 – Alright…  I am in this situation and now I need to figure out how to make something of it. [ link ] 5 – Shit is now going south, but I am turning it into money right? [ link ] 6 – My greed is getting complicated, but shit is still moving [ link ] 7 – Too. Damn. Good. To. Be. True [ link ] 8 – I’ve been robbed! [ link ] 9 – Fuck robbed, I been kidnapped ! [ link ] 10 – I want OUT of this situation now… [ link ] 11 – … but DAMN this money is good! [ link ] 12 – I’m forever to be a victim of my own desires, [ link ] 13 – The liberal m

True Story©... The Heist

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     It is finally beginning to come together, it makes total sense now! First, we learned that Rudolph was a dope fiend.  Then we learned that Santa is a kingpin 364 days of the year and that Rudolph is basically a slave to his own damned dealer. But this shit gets deeper.        In addition to stewing for the past year on the revelation that Santa is an asshole scumbag dopeman, I also live with the fact that writing still COSTS me more than it makes me, I wake up every day and go work with people who do not share my drive and that often frustrates me. I was watching The Wire, and I had myself an idea.  Omar Little was kind of like the Robin Hood of the whole thing.  He was so against the dope dealers that he sustained himself ROBBING them.  That way, he padded his own pockets while preventing them from moving filth in the hood for profit. [ Phlip note : He also didn’t curse, but I possess no such fucking hangups]      Anyway…  Santa is the dope man and has be