True Story©... A Holiday Conundrum
I LITERALLY spent the day on the couch, complaining about the fact that nothing comes on television that interests me in the daytime until I eventually just dozed the hell off.
Well, almost literally... I had an appointment in the morning and had to step out into the abusive cold for a couple of hours, but then I was home on the couch bitching about television as I described above...
While teetering between napping and wondering how the hell Pat McAfee can get away with cussing on television at noon, even on cable, I would have SWORN I heard the "chingchingching" sound we've been conditioned to think of when we think of Santa on his sleigh.
"I'm trippin, lemme get this little nap in and I got some straightening up to do before anyone gets home" was the first thought in my head and closed my eyes back.
It should be noted that in this house I actually do have a chimney and a fireplace unlike the old one...
The chingchingching that I thought was my imagination or sleepy delirium continued to get louder, as if it was getting closer from the rear (north side) of the house. Once I think I got good and sleep, I hear *POOF* and who else is standing in my living room than Santa Claus!
Strangely enough, though, the dogs were just as docile and quiet as they would be if I were in the house alone! They only do that with people that live here.
Me: "Bro, you know Christmas is in two weeks still, right?"
Santa: "... and where, I ask, is your tree?"
Me: "We're not exchanging gifts this year... Everyone's 'gift' is the vacation we're headed on the Monday after Christmas. No physical gifts, no tree."
Santa: "So, how have--..."
Me: "... knock it off. Why are you here? We settled up and you cut me loose from whatever gangsta shit you had going on up there--... and since when do you show up in broad daylight, you ain't worried about being seen?"
Santa: "People are conditioned to stop believing in me at about age 11-12. If anyone actually sees me, they'd just assume they were hallucinating or it was a drug addict or something."
Me: "True, true... so what's shaking?"
Santa: "Well, I need you to--... wait a minute... Have you heard of this new Blicky Bobby guy?"
[Phlip note: What. The. Hell!?]
Me: "... what..."
Santa: "Here check it out. Guy's definitely on the naughty list, but I'm giving him a pass."
Well fuck me... I swear it feels like Jericho is up to something if fuggin SANTA is up on him. Santa surely knows better, but I'mma act like I don't know about Blicky
I'll g'head and give it a spin, last thing I heard from him was his first new song AS Blicky Bobby a couple weeks ago...
[Phlip note: you can too if you're listening to the YouTube video up top]
"Trap Christmas with Blicky Bobby" is the title of this one...
Blicky Bobby:"Silent night, nothin' silent 'bout the Glock's roar
Frosty the Snowman posted at the block door
Reindeer in the hood, sleigh parked on the curb Santa in a ski mask, slidin', no words
Elf on the shelf? Nah, the elf loadin' shells
Jingle bells on the beat, ringin' through the cells
Cookies in the oven? Nah, cookies in the zip Chestnuts roasted, that’s a Pyrex whip
Fa-la-la-la, we light it up, no carol
Red and green beams, Rudolph in the barrel
Deck the halls, but we deck out the whip
Merry Blickmas, homie, let the .40 spit
Grinch with the stash, stole Christmas, no cap
Snow on the block, not the type you unwrap
Yuletide with the crew, got the heat, we don’t freeze
Feliz Navidad with the pesos overseas
North Pole drip, ice colder than the season
Stockings full of racks, that’s a Christmas reason
Mistletoe flex, I’m kissin' my chain
Jack Frost on the wrist, let it snow cocaine
Oh holy night, stars bright on the chain
Sleigh bells in the trap, but the vibe still insane
Wrap it up tight, gift box full of pain
Ho-ho-hold up, Christmas go bang."
Santa: "So what you think, slid on that didn't he?"
Me: "Why are you using words like that, you're like 1755 years old!
... and for the record, I HATE how much I enjoyed this!"
Santa: "Yeah, it is uncanny how--..."
Me: "... cut the shit Santa... why are you in my living room at 1230 in the afternoon on Tuesday December 16th?"
Santa: "I need you."
Me: "You got magic and elves and the cloak of no one actually believing you're real, what the hell you need with me?"
Santa: "Actually, I need Moe."
Me: "Well sheeit bro, why you ain't LEAD with that?"
Santa: "You can be seen in daytime and no one asks questions."
Me: "I don't be leaving this house... They would indeed ask questions if I was outside, especially in December."
Santa: "You know what I mean."
Me: "Well go ahead and tell me what you need me to do, if my wife comes home and--..."
Santa: "... if she comes home and finds company and you haven't cleaned up yet, she'll kill us both."
Me: "Bingo."
Santa: "I'm worried that this whole Christmas thing is not sustainable anymore."
Me: "How so?"
Santa: "Tariffs, cost of operations and worst of all my elves have discovered Rudolph's old stash and have been increasingly unreliable when it comes to work AND when it comes to keeping the elf workforce properly stocked."
Me: "So you're saying they ain't doing the horizontal elfin boogie like they used to?"
Santa: "Can you not call it that?"
Me: "Man, I bet they was fuckin like RABBITS--..."
Santa: "Please stop... I can deal with the economics side of things, if I can get my elves back productive."
Me: "Get em some Blue Chews, or get them off the dope."
Santa: "Can't mail order anything, lest I'll reveal my location."
Me: "Well check it... You can go online and Google 'Dig Bick Throbbers'. The guy or guys selling them are kind of unscrupulous and won't ask a bunch of questions. No, I cannot do it for you for reasons, and you cannot mention me if you want them so sell to you."
Santa: "I can't just walk up on someone and buy pills, I am Santa Claus."
Me: "The send someone -- not me though!"
Santa: "Fine, I'll figure out how to get them."
And almost as magically as he appeared in my living room, he was gone.
I will only infer that he did, in fact, find someone to contact the seller/sellers and cop the pills because he didn't come back to me on Tuesday...
... but whoo boy, Wednesday?
I was un-enjoying a NOT day off after my Mental Health Day™, sitting at my desk doing as much work as I could get out of myself when I heard the "chingchingching" sound again, so I went upstairs and -- you guessed it -- Santa was standing in my living room again...
Me: "You know I could shoot you for this B&E, right?"
Santa: "I gave my elves these big dick thro--..."
Me: "... dig bick!”
Santa: "... dig bick throbbers and two of them dropped dead last night! We might make it through Christmas this year, but YOU have to fix this to save the future of Christmas!"
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