Showing posts with the label federal attention

True Story©… A Very Merry Woodpenis Christmas

       “Frenemies” If you have ever watched Justified on FX as I did when I binged all six seasons and the whole of the spinoff a few months ago, you know what that is.   As you may or not be aware, I have made a bit of one of those in our own local law enforcement here lately.   I promise shit didn’t start out that way, but a strange series of mishaps made that bed for me.      I recently gained the knowledge that he may be finally cutting me loose in order to move on a little further.   Part of me is glad to have him out of my ass – pun intended – but part of me will miss having a local law man who owes me favors so big that he has to honor requests or perhaps have a conversation with Internal Affairs. It all started last month with a phone call… Me: “You know if you keep this up, we are gonna have to sit down and discuss our thing with my wife.” Woodpenis: “Well if things go to plan, we might not need to have that conversation.” Me: “Well Detective Woodpenis, what are yo

True Story© The Big Payoff pt VIII

     I could be making better use of my time and abilities here… In the months since I unsuccessfully robbed Santa Claus , I have exhibited the skills of a man who could sell commodities to market and internationally, courier goods across state lines, negotiate hostage situations and most importantly make a TON of fucking money. It’s August now.  I been at this for 8 months, one client paying enough for all year every three months and I will see them in a couple of weeks.  His buddy has ramped up his ticket sales to the point where he needs me every three as well instead of the original six.  Between those, I am clearing $575k every 12 weeks.  I am pulling another $25k every month.  Throw in the as-negotiated HUGE money deal I am taking from that little European country that I cannot name at this point and I am looking at about $5mil cash on hand, even after paying off my house and revolving credit. At this point, my lady still refuses to retire despite my attempts to get