Showing posts with the label down in the trap

True Story©… Dealin’ and Dealin’

       I’ve reached a pretty good spot in my life… We got this house in 2021.  I am pleased in my place of employment.  Two-income household.  Two healthy kids, three cars, three dogs.  Y’know, the American damn dream.      But like any other American, I want MORE.  Given my age and position in the world, a quick comeup is not the move nor is it easy.  At least not legally.  In the motions of moving, my credit score GREATLY increased, like to the point of a conventional mortgage not being a problem to acquire with underwriting.      I decided to buy a second house for--…  um, “supplemental income” reasons. Rather than contact our normal real estate agent, who we LOVE, I decided I would rather not involve her in what was about to happen.  I rode around after dropping the mini off at school and photographed the signs in front of houses so I would have the agents’ contact information when I got back home. I contacted eight agents via voicemail and email, and I waited.      Two d

True Story©… Police Interactions

       I don’t bother anybody. I drive a 2013 Subaru and live in a 1300 square foot house. I don’t have any flashy items and don’t spend money I don’t have on extraneous bullshit.      Why, then, was I--… WAIT      This all starts back in late September/early October.   Wife person had taken a shine to USING the thousands of dollars (I see the shipments, woman!) of essential oils that she had been collecting like Infinity Stones on aromatherapy products.   Bracelets, diffuser blends, etc…   Nothing terribly out of sorts, and she was clearing her money spent so I had nothing to worry with.   She was back in her office and quiet.      If anyone knows the “Phlip’s wife has a new hobby” dynamic, they know that once her obsession grows, Phlip doesn’t get to sit down.   Like ever . So now it is October 17 th , a Saturday.   I cooked chicken wings and got drunk, she raided the kitchen cabinets and went to her office to create.   I wake up Sunday morning.   I should have known so

Two Days Before Kwanzaa… A Christmas Poem

  'Twas two nights before Kwanzaa, and down in the trap The cook house was jumping, that’s real shit no cap   The shotgun was set by the bedside with care In case somebody thought I might be scared   The children were nestled all snug in their beds While daddy was bugging mom, for just a little head   Mom in her bonnet and dad his durag Won’t mess up your hair, we got this in the bag   Out on the driveway arose such a clatter, I grabbed the twelve gauge to see what was the matter   Away to the window like Malcolm I posed Careful, prepared to put lead in these thieving hoes   The moon started to shine on the still-falling snow Gave a shine to just like daylight on everything below   When what the fuck to my eyes appear? But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer   With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.   Faster than my pitbulls, how quickly they came they came And then he whistled, and shouted, and shouted their names   "Now,  H