True Story©... It's Twins!

 

    Y'know, sometimes it is hard for me to conceptualize people continuing to exist when I am done with them, or as it were when they're done with me...

    In the summertime, work-work is slower and USUALLY lawn care is too because it doesn't normally rain in June like it just did. That said, I was "normal" at the bill-paying job and running ragged on the side hustle staying caught up in between storms.

    On a particularly rainy day last week, my phone kept ringing. I should say that I've gotten an exorbitant number of spam and out-of-state calls from areas I have no business, usually shilling some kind of high interest loan I have no desire for. That said, I am adept at quickly dismissing them without interrupting whatever I'm doing on YouTube at a given moment.

    On this day, though, I kept getting a particularly persistent call from a High Point number. The only person I have any business with who has a HP number that I'm readily aware of is my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once.

Unknown number, send it to VM. They call back, send em again. If they knew me, they'd know I prefer a text than to be sitting on the fucking phone with meaningless conversation. Third call... Fourth call...
What the shit!? I guess I'll answer this and deal with it...

Me: "Hello?"

Him: "Man, I was hoping you'd pick up."

Me: "No, you brute-forced me into answering. Who is this?"

Him: "Now don't hang up when I tell you this, but--..."

Me: "... that's what someone usually says just ahead of some shit that makes me hang up..."

Him: "I had dealt with you like last year, me and my girl was trying to get a three-way relationship going."

Me: "Sorry, I have a wife and, more importantly, a very strict 'zero pænis' policy."

Him: "No, not like that... We had contacted you to--..."

Me: "... trick me into helping you get in front of Kamie when she was still on Catfish."

Him: "Yeah!"

Me: "I blocked you and your lady behind that shit."

Him: "Yeah that's why I had to call from my mama phone."

Me: "So we're back to me hanging up and blocking a third numb--..."

Him: "WAIT!!! this ain't like that this time."

Me: "Get to it, because you're clearly not on my list of people in my good graces."

Him: "I need help with--... damn, man..."

Me: "Have a good day."

Him: "No, the problem is we finna have twins."

Me: "And that was a reason for you to call me?"

Him: "No, well not really. See, after that whole thing, we kept tryna find a second girl and finally did. We had our first three way together a few weeks ago and now both of em is pregnant."

Me: "Wow! and one of em with twins?  How would you know this early?"

Him: "No, each one of em pregnant, I figure it counted as twins since they got pregnant in the same bed on the same night."

Me: "You got some STRONG-ass soldiers, my boy, if you knocked up two women in the same encounter!"

Him: "Huh?"

Me: "Nothing, what this gotta do with me?"

    He goes on to explain how his mother always wanted grandchildren, but wouldn't be accepting of a polyamory situation being what caused it. What he wanted from me was a means of explaining that he now has two girlfriends who are aware of one another and not only occupying the dwelling with him, but have now both fallen pregnant.

    This shit is wild, and it feels like I got my work cut out for me. What I REALLY should have done was hung up the damn phone and added another number to my blocked list.

    I laid out a step-by-step plan for him to spring this on his mother, keying on specifically why he should do so.

    Basically, he would set up a dinner at their place inviting not only his mother, but any of the special family members that he knows she would soon blab to about the incoming blessing (if one would objectively call this chaotic situation that). They would do the matching outfits thing, he and BOTH women and--... I'm still tripping on how this dude called it "twins." It ain't like "hood twins" where he has two women who don't know each other yet pregnant at the same time, or "Irish twins," where one couple has more than one baby inside of a calendar year."
Never mind... We listen and we don't judge, not my circus.

    Anyways, he corrals his mother and trusted family members into a dinner to spring the news of the incoming bundles of joy. He explains that they are a throuple and have been blessed with the miracle of babyhood at the same time, so they get to celebrate the beauty of TWO family additions instead of one. The element of surprise and being on the spot of a bunch of witnesses would preclude a major crashout, at least in the moment.
    

    I am guessing I should have employed "should " instead of "would" in that last sentence there, because my phone is ringing again from another unknown High Point number...

Me: "Hello?"

Him: "Man... I think we made shit worse."

Me: "We? This is not my cross to bear!"

Him: "My mama got mad as fuck, and started yelling at me over HOW I had two women pregnant. She ain't e'em care that I'm in one relationship with both girls."

Me: "Oh shit."

Him: "So my aunt, her older sister was trying to calm her down and then they wound up fighting!"

Me: "Oh shit!"

Him: "Tearing up my front room and kitchen. Now I gotta pay for that before my landlord see it!"

[Phlip note: I should have known better than to suggest Greensboro solutions for High Point problems]

Me: "I trust you at least got the situation calmed down?"

Him: "We broke up the fight, but my mama left and ain't talking to me right now."

Me: "This is insane."

Him: "... so now I need some more help, this time with--..."

I hung up the fucking phone. I ain't answering unidentified High Point callers ever again.

... I should have asked if there was any video of the fight before hanging up.