True Story©... The M-O-Equalizer II


    You ever forget previous promises to make good on past transgressions?
I promised back in the spring to make better use of Moe Phillips as a concept and citizen and damn near promptly forgot about that shit in a hailstorm of attempts to pay my mortgage off early among other things.

[Phlip note: Rocket is still getting their half-file every other week until I figure this shit out]

Well to be frank, life has gotten so weird since I fixed these blessed fingers to type those words that I straight-up forgot the promise. Or one could say that I HAD forgotten the promise until a couple of months ago, when I received an email on the “ask Moe for help” email address. (misspellings and grammar are assuredly not my own)


    My wifey n I are lookn for a 3rd to come into our bed wit us, but every time we try 2 mt up wit her or vid chat, she ghost us. She local, bt wnt mk way to see us nd see if it could wrk. We wonted 2 knw if u cld help us mt our new GF. Help pls!”

    Bro, you fixed your thumbs to type some shit like that? You have not EARNED “on demand” threesomes, my dude.  I am sending you a dictionary and a thesaurus.
Okay, so that shit was hard to read, but after several attempts, I gleaned what it was they were trying to ask me for.  Again, I didn’t feel as if he had earned this shit and yes I was judging, and his girl is wronger than fuck for allowing it. I politely demurred in my initial response.
A $375 cashapp to the same address, though? Sheeeid, that’s all you had to say! I guess I will have to grit my teeth and convince myself to do this in order to continue – or renew, as it were – my attempt to sway karma into the favor of one Meaux Phillipe, as the French in France might call him, so here we go.

    What he was asking me for is DEFINITELY not my wheelhouse, and today was not going to be my first day as an investigator. What I did was emailed him back for some contact information. I spoke with him and his girlfriend on the phone a few times to suss out what it was we were up against and gained their permission to involve external experts if that would get them closer to the goal they seek.

    There was a whole-ass season of Catfish where people would write in to Nev and whomever his co-host of the moment was to help an acquaintance who was being catfished.  I ANONYMOUSLY wrote one of my best-worded messages to push them forward with their situation.  I keyed on how I was absolutely sure they were not only barking up the wrong tree, but that the tree they were barking up might even have a dick. When I tell you the care I took to package and throw this snowball in a manner that would never see me again and let me skate into the sunset with my $375? Maximal-level!

    Days pass after I send the message to Empty-Vee. Weeks… A month or three…
As I have transitioned past a weight loss plateau six weeks ago, I have moved my exercise bike into my office and make sure to give it at LEAST 15 hard minutes of every working hour. While I do this, Catfish is on TV from 9a-4p every day. In all honesty, I usually treat it as passive noise and laugh at the sheer stupidity of people and their reach to find what they thought was love but is usually just some equally-low-self-esteem person on the other end manipulating the shit out of them.

This episode was different though…
    It was one of the “anonymous informant” episodes, apparently a friend of the mark/s emailed about his buddy and girlfriend to hopefully help to connect them to their “wifey-in-law” as they called it. Holy shit, I got them on TV!
Nev and Kamie come to High Point and meet with the couple, and if I said they didn’t look EXACTLY as their email had read, I'd be lying.

[Phlip note: and now I have set YOUR imagination in motion]

So we go through the normal machinations of an episode… Reverse image search pulls up nothing, but Nev and Kamie notice the weirdness of the fingers and toes in the pictures the “catfish” had used and thus busted them as AI-generated. This eliminates the possibility of them being real, but doesn’t exactly reveal anything.

    Phone number searches bring along more curious sloppiness in the couple’s story though. The phone number they told them that they had for their potential paramore traced back to the girl’s cousin, who happened to live like six blocks away from the couple.
They, and I shit you not, WALKED to the “cousin’s” house and learned that said cousin had been in jail for MONTHS and his mother was just putting everything in his name while he was away. Auntie starts to come clean that she was just going along and…
… well…

Nev: “What’s going on here?”
Dude: “Look,I can explain.”
Nev: “We’ve wasted considerable time and resources coming here and researching this, and it seems that–…”
Dude: “It ain’t all a lie though.”
Nev: “What!?”
Dude: “Me and wifey–… Me and wifey, we been TRYNA get this girl to respond to us and possibly link up and–…”
Nev: “… but there is no ‘girl’! You dragged us here for what?”
Dude: “Hol’on! Lemme ‘splain it?”

Nev is getting obviously flustered. The kind of frustration that kicks in usually just before the producers butt in and do something before he throws someone’s iPhone in the river again.

Nev: “Fine… Let’s hear your side of it.”
Dude: “My girl had seen your show when Kamie first came on it.”
Nev: “okay…”
Dude: “And first thing she said was ‘GAT-DAMN that girl fine!’”
Nev: “mmm…”
Dude: “An’ I had a idea… I fount her on Twitter and IG, and I sent her some DMs.”
Nev: “Wow”
Dude: “I got, like a standard response, but I wanted some more so we could get to like conversate in real life.”
Kamie: “Hold on, so this whole time… This whole story was so you could–…”
Dude: “… so we could meet you in person and hopefully make you wanna be ours!”

I turned off the fucking TV.
    These motherfuckers PLAYED me and potentially sullied the good name of Moe Phillips. I am hoping that the producers cut in and ended the shit before they could get to the part where they mentioned contacting a third party to rope them into this little game. One would think that as an international supervillain that the vaunted Moe would have sniffed out getting scammed by these furniture town head-ass High Pointers a mile away.

Ehh well… Gotta be more careful.
At least I made $375 off of this!


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