The way I see it...

Look, Haiti needs some help.
We know this.
In the month of January, I was not eating meat, and I had plenty of soups, tuna and other non-perishables in my cabinets that I would not have eaten for AT LEAST 3 weeks at the time. A lot of it was soup that we got when The Katie had a tooth pulled, then again when we both had Swine Flu were a little under the weather after our vacation.
The thing I have here is that Haiti has needed help all along.
Here is what we know:

Haiti was forced to pay France for its freedom from slavery. Let us not forget that they didn't enter this slavery voluntarily, no one does... When they couldn’t afford the ransom, France (and other countries, including the United States) helpfully offered high-interest loans. By 1900, 80% of Haiti’s annual budget went to paying off its “reparation” debt. They didn’t make the last payment until 1947. Just 10 years later, dictator François Duvalier took over the country and promptly bankrupted it, taking out more high-interest loans to pay for his corrupt lifestyle. The Duvalier family, with the blind-eye financial assistance of Western countries, killed 10s of thousands of Haitians, until the Haitian people overthrew them in 1986. Today, Haiti is still paying off the debt of an oppressive dictator no one would help them get rid of for 30 years.

The rest of the world continues to refuse to forgive this debt.

Fucked the fuck up, right?
Anyway... Tonight, I was thinking of what a shithole New Jersey is in general and offered the opinion on FaceBook that we could trade it to China to call the United States' debt to them even. This would rid the states of an otherwise useless territory and would be the first and most important step to fixing the economy, which would be settling debt to our most highly-debted creditor. As it were, this drew cheers from 2 good friends of mine, one of whom spent more time in Jersey than anyone who was not -- hell, even anyone who was -- born there should ever be forced to endure. Naturally, this came with the ire from one who can't understand why any state that contains Camden, Jersey City and Newark (basically the whole of the 201 area code) is at all not likeable. I will liken his situation to Stockholm Syndrome and chalk it up to his just being brainwashed into thinking that Jersey Life is somehow a inalienable right, not a curse.

[Phlip note - Stockholm Syndrome in the above was a link... Click it and come back if you didn't already know what it was]

What does any of this have to do with Haiti?
Thanks for asking!
The Katie and I had to head back out to settle some fuckery that had taken place this morning and while I am receiving an especially vitriolic facebook exchange about New Jersey via text message and not bothering to respond until I get home. While this was happening, I had a bright idea.
Here's the facts:
Haiti: 9,035,536 residents, estimated as of 2009... We know that somewhere between 50k and half a million of them were lost a few weeks ago, so let's set that number at 8.6 million people.
New Jersey: 8,707,739 residents, estimated as of 2009...

See the similarities there?
The United states could give back to Haiti by moving all of the people out of New Jersey to somewhere that is not debilitatingly depressing to reside in, fence the state off from the rest of the union (like Haiti does Labadee from the rest of the island) and move all the Haitian people to Jersey and rename it New Haiti or something like that. I mean, if Jersey were so great, then why do I know so many people who live down here who were from or at once saddled with the albatross of former residence there? In so much, I would be willing to bet a bucket of shit against a hundred bucks or perhaps even a northeastern state that not even residents care for (HA! See what I did there?).
We at once rid ourselves of the New Jersey problem and are by default helping Haiti. If there are people in New Jersey, like those in the aforementioned 201 area code, who just MUST live in a lame-ass place, we can surely put them in Cleveland, Detroit and Oakland and they would feel right at home, not to mention that there is PLENTY of unoccupied real estate in Detroit available on the cheap.

I'm just sayin'...
I have done my part by donating, as I do not have cash to give at this time. Now I am providing the ideas that could be used to make the situation down there in Haiti so much better.
At times, I am quite the humanitarian.


Tony Grands said…
Laughing. Out. Loud!!!

Good shit, Phlip. I'm sure this would offend Redman, Naughty By Nature, Snooki & the gang, in which case, mission accomplished.
Kousen Tora said…
If anything, I say for all of those of snooki's ilk, I say while transporting New Jersey over to China, dump those jersey shore clowns over a live volcano!!!

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