Showing posts from 2020

Two Days Before Kwanzaa… A Christmas Poem

  'Twas two nights before Kwanzaa, and down in the trap The cook house was jumping, that’s real shit no cap   The shotgun was set by the bedside with care In case somebody thought I might be scared   The children were nestled all snug in their beds While daddy was bugging mom, for just a little head   Mom in her bonnet and dad his durag Won’t mess up your hair, we got this in the bag   Out on the driveway arose such a clatter, I grabbed the twelve gauge to see what was the matter   Away to the window like Malcolm I posed Careful, prepared to put lead in these thieving hoes   The moon started to shine on the still-falling snow Gave a shine to just like daylight on everything below   When what the fuck to my eyes appear? But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer   With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.   Faster than my pitbulls, how quickly they came they came And then he whistled, and shouted, and shouted their names   "Now,  H

True Story©… The Neverending Little Big Ordeal

       For someone whose lifestyle is prone to misadventures that the two of you come here every Thursday to enjoy, it only stands to reason that I live in a constant existential fear that some small-at-the-time bullshit that I did months – YEARS – ago will one day come back and bite me on the ass. Wait… Y’all remember the time I tried to make a movie? What about now ? Welcome back.      So last week Tuesday or Wednesday, I am pretty sure it was Tuesday. I was walking Thunder on my lunch break during a commercial break while Judge Jerry was on.  A car comfortably comes to a stop in front of my house, in stark contrast to the screeching halt I normally witness when I am about to be accosted.  A midget little person climbs down and toddles over to me.  I stop him as he gets inside of about leash distance but still not close enough to touch my dog, “I’m isolating from close contact with SIX people who tested positive last week, might want to stop there.” and his approached stopped

True Story©… You’re Fired!

       Not to let anyone in on more than they need to know about me, but in my adult-adult life, I have worked full time for three companies.   I will not name any of the three, but you’ve assuredly heard of all of them.   I will cross fourteen years with my current employer next week.   More importantly – to me at least – each of my prior two company changes was of my own volition and I was not removed from the premises by any security folks for cause or anything such.      One benefit of being consistent with a place of employment is the accrual of leave time.   With my first real full-time (as in with a company that I didn’t work for when I was 18 and actually offered benefits) employer there was no expiration of leave time and I was so busy with school that I never had time to be far enough away to warrant taking time off for any real reason. A couple of years in, I found myself staring at WEEKS of accumulated off time and no real reason to use it.   Add to that the fact that I

True Story©… Is this thing on?

       I’m a middle child… When that is brought up in certain company, “but you’re a twin” is a response, but I am the oldest twin in birth order out of three of us total.   I am a middle child and that is absolutely a thing whether accepted or not.      I say all that to say that I am pretty damn used to people forgetting to pay attention to me.   Not to cry into my beer over or anything, as it is 7:30am and work starts in a few minutes.      My wife has grown scared of introducing me to the uninitiated… “Why?” I hear you asking.   Because I have grown SO accustomed to people either not listening to what I am saying, or even still not taking any of it seriously when they have listened that I tend to blurt things out as if I have automatically inferred that they won’t be listening – or worse still, I will say some wild shit to test them.   Not necessarily to troll people or anything, but really just to entertain myself in this fucked up world.      I will never forget when s

True Story©… At The Playground

Can we please get back to politics? No… Good.      So back before we got into election week month the weather was unseasonably warm and I had daylight after work to do things before I had to make sure home was ready for dinners and whatnot.   Y’know, get outside and stretch my legs and enjoy something other than these four walls all day every day.   The governor reopened parks and playgrounds and apparently some parents have had the same idea for their kids.   Smart, cheap and wears their little asses out for an effective bedtime catalyst. Normally I would begin in one park and then pass through two other connected ones for a good 3-4 mile walk/run, but this particular Thursday, I really just wanted to sit on the bench and read.   I chose a park near my mother’s house, since I would be by there directly after work to take her trash cans to the street anyway.   In such, I parked my car in the cul de sac as I have for 20 years and walked to the park with my book.   There was a f

True Story©… 16 Days

      16 days… As previously discussed, I voted for the 23 th time on October 17 st …   I knew when I LAST voted that I would be voting for someone I am not particularly a fan of.   I cannot rightfully bitch about the goings on of things that could potentially swayed by voting, so I strapped on my Nike Airs and did it.      Seventeen days after I voted early was official election day.   It would be four days after THAT when we would have an actual projected winner. “Projected,” the operative word in that sentence is “projected.”   What we are used to on election night every major election year is the winner projected by the Associated Press aggregated from the districts reporting their results, with a declaration made as soon as simple mathematics leaves it that the leader cannot be caught.   It has been that way since the advent of long distance telephony and has been more efficient since the ubiquity of the interwebs.      Why, then, in the dry fuck are we still sixteen days