The musings of a madman...

  "Hey buddy, you remember me?"      I'mma keep it all the way funky with y'all... When someone asks me some shit like that and I wasn't looking to have already determined whether or not I'd ever met them, I adopt a "lie first and then sort it out" approach. I've found that this helps keep my ass out of situations I might not desire to be in. I turned around... Me: "Um... I can't say that I d--..." Him: "I interviewed you for the job at [company] back at the beginning of the the summer." Me: "Wait... The ones who kicked me out when I told the story about getting fired over the softball game?" Him: "Okay, so you DO remember!" Me: "Yeah man, my friends thought that shit was WILD funny." Him: "To be frank, so did everyone else in the office when we told them about it." Me:  "'we?'...  'everyone else?'...  How many damn people did you speak of my misfortune to?...

       It’s that time of year again…   Y’all know, the one where I am dragged into a classroom to assemble and move shit despite not particularly wanting to have to do it. To be honest, I am thankful to the Wuhan Bat Flu for closing schools at the beginning of last year and limiting ANY visitors when they finally did open in the last quarter, thereby saving me from breaking a sweat.      This story is not (necessarily) about that. Saturday before last, while I was on the above-mentioned unpaid hauling/cleaning mission(s), I noticed the message flash across the television in my wife’s classroom about football tryouts.   Well sheeeeeit…   When I was in middle and high school, I wasn’t able to do such things due to reasons. Me: “I’mma go out for football.” Wife Person: “What!?” Me: “It says football tryouts are Thursday immediately after school.   I’m coming to live out my dreams!” Wife Person: “Whatever…   D...

       Another Thursday morning, another instance of me explaining where the hell I have been for the previous couple of weeks. The short answer, here, is “in Japan.”      The long answer is the one you’re getting though, and it perfectly aligns with the “menagerie of shit that could only happen to me” that you’ve become accustomed to. This all started back in late April with a phone call… Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Hi, this is [redacted] from the USOC, and--…” Me: “United…   States…   Olympic…   Commission?” Caller: “Correct, sir and we’re calling in reference to--…” Me: “And you’re aware that the last time I participated in any organized sport was 80 pounds ago, right?” Caller: “Well we’ve been recently advised of your RECENT prowess, and this is in an event that doesn’t necessarily require athletic acumen.” Me: “This should be good.   Which event?” Caller: “Skeet shooting.” Me: “HA!!! Hahahahahahahaha...