True Story©... When Worlds Collide

 

    As you may or not recall, I apparently have a son...
I mean that as in only "technically," because legally, I only have a two daughters -- we don't use "step" in this house except in matters of extreme necessity.
Rather than drag this tale through an infuriating side quest, I will send you [here] and ask that you return when you're ready to proceed.

... welcome back...

    So yeah, son...
We approached the period since he came to my house as more of a friendship than family, as our blood relation is honestly nothing more than a previously-veiled matter of inconvenient consanguinity. I say that to say we exchange text messages at random times of day, I send and receive memes and answer queries for advice -- again, as I might any of my friends. He has commendably and thankfully avoided employing terms that would have him refer to me as his father, even if he is growing to see me as a father figure.
... until I got a phone call after work...

Me: "Hello?"

Him: "Pops, you busy?"

Me: "'Pops'? That's new!"

Him: "Sorry bout that, but I just got the weirdest damn email text and phone call back-to-back."

Me: "And you didn't report spam? I'm HEAVY on that and 'screen call'. You should try it sometime."

Him: "No, it's--... Who is Moe Phillips?"

Me: "OHSHITOHFUCK!!!"

Him: "God bless you."

Me: "Thanks... Why do you ask?"

Him: "So I got this email, then the text and call from some white bi--... a white girl who thinks we're related. And, like, I checked my ancestry joint and found you and your family, but nothing connected to her."

Me: "What was her name, do you recall?"

Him: "Jenny, Jessie, J--..."

Me: "... FUCKING JENNIFER!!!"

Him: "So you know her?"

Me: "Unfortunately, yes."

Him: "Are we related to her."

Me: "Fuck no!"

Him: "But she somehow thinks we are?"

Me: "Man, this woman has been a thorn in my ass for years."

    I went on to explain in detail how she and I met, how we KEEP crossing each others paths at random as I complete the most most mundane of undertakings in my day-to-day life. She just pops up.
I explained, further, my time travel experiment to try to go back in time and take care of the Cecil Rhodes problem and how apparently a woman I encountered who was TRYING to set aside her innards for my enjoyment but when I declined and soon after disappeared, she decided to lie and say that I -- as Moe Phillips -- had fathered her baby since I was not around to deny it.

Him: "That was, inten--... Wait, YOU CAN TIME FUCKIN TRAVEL?!!?"

Me: "Next question please."

Him: "Okay... So you didn't sex this Guinevere chick and came home from your time travel -- and we WILL talk about that someday -- but she said you did to get out of whatever bind she was in."

Me: "Correct... But again, there was no blood relation exposed in the ancestry test. She found me personally to press me on it. How did she find you?"

Him: "Apparently she decided you were full of shit --..."

Me: "... and usually I am..."

Him: "She decided you were full of shit and hired a private investigator to get into your details and glean who you WERE connected to through the DNA and--..."

Me: "... and she found you, your 'siblings' that neither of us will ever know for legal reasons and then contacted you."

Him: "Correct."

Me: "Well you know the full story now, not even SHE knows the time travel part and and probably won't believe it if you told her."

Him: "Well to be fair, it is VERY wild."

Me: "Dude, it's a True Story©"

[Phlip note: I DID THE THING, I DID THE THING!!!]

Him: "So what do I do?"

Me: "Whatever you must to get away from her. Blocking her or existing in another county 3 hours or 500 years from where you met her won't work."

Him: "You really rue the day you met her, huh?"

Me: "Well, obviously... but there's no putting that fart back in the hole."

Him: "Maybe we could--..."

Me: "... no! No we! Not on this. Any involvement with me will just embolden her."

    With that, he had the vaguest of marching orders. Part of me hoped that this would mean that she is HIS problem now and not mine. I mean, the last time she and I were in the same place at the same time I legitimately felt I had finally closed that chapter but I have also felt those exact same feels about her in the past before that encounter as well.

    Of course it didn't work...
He very apparently heard me wrong, or perhaps I didn't impart it clearly enough. I said "blocking her won't work," and he must have heard that as "don't block her." She took to blowing up his phone and waiting for him outside of his job when he didn't answer. This escalated to her following him home from work one  evening, where his girlfriend was waiting for him to get home. A confrontation ensued in which she tried to run a fade with the girlfriend and spent the night in the hospital...
... with a police chaperone for the assault she initiated.

    At the end of it, I find myself kind of wishing I could have just baited her to come to the house after me and initiate conflict with Wife Person™ and perhaps a couple of members of her family and get hands put on her. 

Because women in that family can fight!

... I still can't help but feel this ain't over yet.