True Story©... A Family Reunion

 

    The changing weather and the near-constant presence of a Tiny Little™ in my house have pressed me into an extreme level of home body life.
I'd say I'm bothered by it, but I'm really only beckoned from my house if it involves food or a leaf mulching job these last couple weeks.


    Unfortunately, this means that people come to my door and I am actually home to have to -- or try to -- ignore them.
So this past Saturday, I finished the one lawn on my schedule for the day and unloaded my truck, then sat down at the computer in the corner of my garage to work on the YouTube video I had recorded for it.
[link]
As I'm working on the voiceover and PRAYING nothing noisy happens outside my driveway to spoil it, my "should have closed the fuckin door" was confirmed when someone walked up to but not in my garage.

Him: "Excuse me, are you busy?"

Me: "Yes, and now I gotta record this voiceover for a third time..."

Him: "I apologize, it's just that I felt I needed to come and introduce myself in person"

Me: "The 240 is not for sale..."

Him: "Huh? No, I'm not here to try to buy anything--..."

Me: "Well I was disfellowshipped from a congregation in Georgia for marrying a non-Witness"

Him: "No, not that eith--... wait, does that work?"

Me: "Every time, you'll go on a 'do not disturb' list and they'll never come back to that address even after you've moved from it."

Him: "Ho-lee shit, thanks pops. What I came for, though, was--..."

I stood up from my seat.

Me: "Whoa, hol'up... 'pops'? You ain't gon just gloss over and breeze past that."

Him: "I'm sorry, that's why I'm here."

Me: "Oh boy, not again..."

Him: "I was born in 2001, raised solely by a single mom who made a point of never mentioning a father, be it positive or negative. She had a good career and I never wanted for anything at all except for a father. She never married or even really dated."

Me: "I might not be what you're looking for lil homie."

Him: "But you are. Mom passed away four months ago--..."

Me: "Sorry to hear that, my man."

Him: "Thank you. Mom passed away four months ago, and out of respect for her wishes to keep things just her and me, I never approached it but I recently did an ancestry DNA test and--..."

Me: "FUCK!!!"

Him: "Something wrong?"

Me: "Biologically, I probably am who you're looking for"

Him: "But?"

Me: "Practically, your mother's wishes were earnest."

Him: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Look--... nah, hold on a minute"

I put my phone down and rummaged through the third drawer in the file cabinet in the corner and fished out a manila envelope I had scribbled "skeet skeet skeet" on 24 years prior.

Me: "Check this out."

I handed it to him.

Him: "It's some kind of contract?"

Me: "It's a sperm donation contract and 1099... I was paid by a fertility clinic for my tadpoles because I was too afraid of credit to take student loans."

Him: "So you're saying..."

Me: "I'm saying your mom put you in an amazing position, you seem like a good kid with good intentions, but she did precisely right by you for the situation she created for you."

Him: "Thank you for that."

Me: "... and while I don't have the 'DADDY!' moment waiting for you, I ain't gon shit on your parade either. Come in, have a seat on the weight bench there."

He came in and sat down.
He looks like my Granny's brothers.
We shot the shit for an hour or two, until Wife Person™ happened to pull up to the house. She got out the car and since the garage door was opened, entered through it instead of the front door.

Wife Person™: "Who's this?"

Me: "I guess in some kind of wild way, he is my son!"

She got BEET red and balled up both fists.

Him: "No ma'am, wait!"

He held up the "skeet skeet skeet" envelope and the color came back to her face.

Wife Person™: "Oh, THAT shit again."

Him: "'again'? How often does this happen you?"

Me: "Since I signed up for that DNA shit? Constantly!"

Him: "Wow, really?"

Me: "True Story©!"

[Phlip note: I DID THE THING, Y'ALL!!!]

Him: "Well I apologize if I have caused you any undue stress by coming here today."

Wife Person™: "You're okay, shug... If anyone causes me stress, it's him"

Me: "I resemble that remark"

Him: "Well now I know the truth, I won't bother you anymore."

Me: "It don't gotta be like that. We'll exchange contact info and at least keep in touch. We got a shared story to tell now."

Him: "Sounds good to me."

    And with that, we exchanged phone numbers and he went on about his day.
Despite me having done literally NOTHING wrong, though, Wife Person™ is still nuclear pissed at me and my neck hurts from sleeping on the couch... HALP!!!