True Story©… Dealin’ and Dealin’
I’ve reached a
pretty good spot in my life…
We got this house in 2021. I am pleased in my place of employment. Two-income household. Two healthy kids, three cars, three dogs. Y’know, the American damn dream.
But like any other American, I want MORE. Given my age and position in the world, a quick comeup is not the move nor is it easy. At least not legally. In the motions of moving, my credit score GREATLY increased, like to the point of a conventional mortgage not being a problem to acquire with underwriting.
I decided to buy a second house for--… um, “supplemental income” reasons.
Rather than contact our normal real estate agent, who we
LOVE, I decided I would rather not involve her in what was about to happen. I rode around after dropping the mini off at
school and photographed the signs in front of houses so I would have the agents’
contact information when I got back home.
I contacted eight agents via voicemail and email, and I waited.
Two days later, the phone rings…
Agent: “May I speak to a Mr… uhh, Moe Phillips please?”
Agent: “I received your contact about your search for a home in the area, what exactly did you have in mind?”
Me: “I want something small and quaint, out of the way as much as possible.”
Me: “I already have a home that I live in, this will be an income-generating property.”
Agent: “Ahh, I see. So you’re looking for rental property?”
Me: “Not exactly… Some friends and I will be working out of the house.”
Agent: “Ahh, so like a coworking space.”
Me: “You could say that--… Sure, yeah!”
Agent: “So what kind of space are you looking for?”
Me: “Beds and baths are not a huge deal, just as long as there is plenty of kitchen space.”
Agent: “Ahh, so you’re in to the culinary thing, huh?”
Me: “What? Oh--… yeah!”
Agent: “Okay, so my notes here… You’re looking for a smallish house to work out of, two beds is fine, large kitchen necessary. Any price range?”
Me: “Whatever we can get approved for. I got the credit and can get the down payment.”
Agent: “Okay, we’ll be in touch.”
No way in hell
this man is prepared for the ride I am about to take him on. The next week or two were full of text
correspondence back and forth between me – well, Moe – and him showing me
houses to gauge my interest and whether or not he should schedule a
showing. Most were in too nice an area
for what I had in mind, and of course that meant they might have been a touch
higher than what my (legal) income could get underwritten without involving my
… and involving my wife, we shan’t do!
We finally happened upon one in a east-city cul de sac. Neighborhood full of people of/around my parents’ age.
I went over and met him on my lunch break…
Me: “I like it. Small yard, won’t take much to maintain. Tidy little chain link on the back yard. Not that we’ll be using the back yard.”
Agent: “Oh, so strictly business, no barbecues or anyth--…”
Me: “Cookout! We live in NC, barbecue is a cooking style and a condiment, not the party. That is a cookout.”
Agent: “Excuse me, no cookouts?”
Me: “Nah, we won’t even use the back. One way in, one way out.”
Agent: “Okay, so let’s have a look at the inside.”
Inside, I ignored the living room and bed/bathrooms, went right for the kitchen.
Agent: “So what do you and your guys do?”
Me: “Customer service, you could say.”
Agent: “So do you think this is workable for you?”
Me: “Say, uh… How much you think it might cost to get two or three more of those stove outlets installed on that wall over there.”
Agent: “Two or three MORE stoves?”
Me: “Yeah, gotta keep the productivity up to stay ahead of the competition.”
Agent: “I can’t imagine it would be much of a problem with a decent electrician.”
Me: “And who you know that tints house windows?”
Agent: “N-… no curtains or anything?”
Me: “Man, we here to WORK, not to entertain and shit.”
Agent: “I know of a couple of window companies I can link you with.”
Me: “Sounds good, and I like that the front yard is so small. We can chain the dog up and he can patrol the whole thing.”
Me: “You GOTTA have a good guard dog!”
If this dude ain’t onto me yet he is either greedy for this commission, seriously dumb or has lived the most sheltered life ever…
Agent: “So whaddya think, do we make the offer or what?”
Me: “Let’s run the credit and see what the numbers bear first. Then make an offer of not a penny over asking.”
Agent: “Sounds good.”
Me: “I don’t have the cash to pay it off up front, but I am sure I will within a month of opening up shop.”
Agent: “D-did you say… MONTH!? How can I get on?”
Me: “I’ll keep your number when this is done, we might need some soldiers.”
He took my information to run the
application and we parted ways.
Again, I knew with my numbers that I would have no issue securing a loan with the most favorable terms one could expect with the market the way it is right now.
… then I got an email…
Please excuse my gullibility in the moment
as we got into this, but I am emailing to advise that I cannot continue as your
agent. Involving myself in what appears
to be the ground floor of a burgeoning drug manufacturing operation places not
only me at risk, but my company and my family as well. I have been advised by my company’s counsel
to cease all communication with you after this so as to avoid any appearance of
misgivings. Before I go, though, I would
advise that most people running drug houses do so out of abandoned (<- that’s why they call it ‘bando’) buildings so as to
not have anything in their real name.
Thank you for understanding.
… this punk ass…
What kind of world is there where people don’t wanna make any MONEY anymore!?