True Story©… Dealin’ and Dealin’


     I’ve reached a pretty good spot in my life…
We got this house in 2021.  I am pleased in my place of employment.  Two-income household.  Two healthy kids, three cars, three dogs.  Y’know, the American damn dream.

     But like any other American, I want MORE.  Given my age and position in the world, a quick comeup is not the move nor is it easy.  At least not legally.  In the motions of moving, my credit score GREATLY increased, like to the point of a conventional mortgage not being a problem to acquire with underwriting.

     I decided to buy a second house for--…  um, “supplemental income” reasons.

Rather than contact our normal real estate agent, who we LOVE, I decided I would rather not involve her in what was about to happen.  I rode around after dropping the mini off at school and photographed the signs in front of houses so I would have the agents’ contact information when I got back home.
I contacted eight agents via voicemail and email, and I waited.

     Two days later, the phone rings…

Me: “Hello?”

Agent: “May I speak to a Mr…  uhh, Moe Phillips please?”

Me: “Speaking”

Agent: “I received your contact about your search for a home in the area, what exactly did you have in mind?”

Me: “I want something small and quaint, out of the way as much as possible.”

Agent: “Mmmhmm…”

Me: “I already have a home that I live in, this will be an income-generating property.”

Agent: “Ahh, I see.  So you’re looking for rental property?”

Me: “Not exactly…  Some friends and I will be working out of the house.”

Agent: “Ahh, so like a coworking space.”

Me: “You could say that--…  Sure, yeah!”

Agent: “So what kind of space are you looking for?”

Me: “Beds and baths are not a huge deal, just as long as there is plenty of kitchen space.”

Agent: “Ahh, so you’re in to the culinary thing, huh?”

Me: “What?  Oh--…  yeah!”

Agent: “Okay, so my notes here…  You’re looking for a smallish house to work out of, two beds is fine, large kitchen necessary.  Any price range?”

Me: “Whatever we can get approved for.  I got the credit and can get the down payment.”

Agent: “Okay, we’ll be in touch.”

     No way in hell this man is prepared for the ride I am about to take him on.  The next week or two were full of text correspondence back and forth between me – well, Moe – and him showing me houses to gauge my interest and whether or not he should schedule a showing.  Most were in too nice an area for what I had in mind, and of course that meant they might have been a touch higher than what my (legal) income could get underwritten without involving my wife.
… and involving my wife, we shan’t do!

     We finally happened upon one in a east-city cul de sac.  Neighborhood full of people of/around my parents’ age.

I went over and met him on my lunch break…

Me: “I like it.  Small yard, won’t take much to maintain.  Tidy little chain link on the back yard.  Not that we’ll be using the back yard.”

Agent: “Oh, so strictly business, no barbecues or anyth--…”

Me: “Cookout!  We live in NC, barbecue is a cooking style and a condiment, not the party.  That is a cookout.”

Agent: “Excuse me, no cookouts?”

Me: “Nah, we won’t even use the back.  One way in, one way out.”

Agent: “Okay, so let’s have a look at the inside.”

Me: “Sure!”

Inside, I ignored the living room and bed/bathrooms, went right for the kitchen.

Agent: “So what do you and your guys do?”

Me: “Customer service, you could say.”

Agent: “So do you think this is workable for you?”

Me: “Say, uh…  How much you think it might cost to get two or three more of those stove outlets installed on that wall over there.”

Agent: “Two or three MORE stoves?”

Me: “Yeah, gotta keep the productivity up to stay ahead of the competition.”

Agent: “I can’t imagine it would be much of a problem with a decent electrician.”

Me: “And who you know that tints house windows?”

Agent: “N-…  no curtains or anything?”

Me: “Man, we here to WORK, not to entertain and shit.”

Agent: “I know of a couple of window companies I can link you with.”

Me: “Sounds good, and I like that the front yard is so small.  We can chain the dog up and he can patrol the whole thing.”

Agent: “Huh?”

Me: “You GOTTA have a good guard dog!”

Agent: “Wow”

     If this dude ain’t onto me yet he is either greedy for this commission, seriously dumb or has lived the most sheltered life ever…

Agent: “So whaddya think, do we make the offer or what?”

Me: “Let’s run the credit and see what the numbers bear first.  Then make an offer of not a penny over asking.”

Agent: “Sounds good.”

Me: “I don’t have the cash to pay it off up front, but I am sure I will within a month of opening up shop.”

Agent: “D-did you say…  MONTH!?  How can I get on?”

Me: “I’ll keep your number when this is done, we might need some soldiers.”

Agent: “Okay…”

He took my information to run the application and we parted ways.
Again, I knew with my numbers that I would have no issue securing a loan with the most favorable terms one could expect with the market the way it is right now.

…  then I got an email…

Mr. Phillips,

Please excuse my gullibility in the moment as we got into this, but I am emailing to advise that I cannot continue as your agent.  Involving myself in what appears to be the ground floor of a burgeoning drug manufacturing operation places not only me at risk, but my company and my family as well.  I have been advised by my company’s counsel to cease all communication with you after this so as to avoid any appearance of misgivings.  Before I go, though, I would advise that most people running drug houses do so out of abandoned (<- that’s why they call it ‘bando’) buildings so as to not have anything in their real name.
Thank you for understanding.

…  this punk ass…
What kind of world is there where people don’t wanna make any MONEY anymore!?


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