True Story©… Arousing Annoyances
I have been aiming
too high. We might call it the curse of
American instant gratification.
I have been aiming DIRECTLY at Big TV and Hollywood with my writing ideas and the barriers to participation on those stages is higher than others.
Perhaps I should have been aiming for lower-hanging fruit, so to speak… Like, do I REALLY need Hollywood when everyone is carrying around a camera capable of 4K video in their bag or pocket at all times?
The bar for participation in the adult film industry is as simple as starting an OnlyFans or setting up a creator account on a certain popular Adult Content site that I will not name in this sentence so as to not get this story flagged. Basically you create your content, you agree to some terms and conditions, you monetize your account, you post your content and profit!
As a fatman who is
married and not interested in being seen mid-coitus by anyone, none of you need
be worried about seeing me in such a position.
“So how does one go about this?” you ask?
Conversing with a good friend of mine, Mister Ssippi, last Sunday we discussed the possibility of the existence of a fetish wherein someone is aroused or gets off on being annoyed or annoying sounds. Some ideas presented were a smoke detector chirping while you’re trying to get it on. Worse (to me, at least) was the concept of being intimate with a woman who talks like Fran Drescher from The Nanny. Less extreme examples like AWFUL camera angles, road construction audibly outside the room, a TV playing an annoying show in the background.
My friends being
my friends, this conversation ultimately devolved into a discussion of what
sounds a deaf person might make in such a situation.
… I had an idea…
I set aside some time on the Moe
Phillips burner dating accounts and specifically sought out deaf women. It took a day or three, but I found a couple
and one was even on OnlyFans to make money due to the difficulty to make money
otherwise in her position.
We linked her with a friend of a friend and after they swapped safe test results spoke to one another and agreed to be filmed. Once we secured her willingness to collaborate, we – she and I, with my wife/chaperone – drove down to Atlanta where Mister Ssippi lives and knows people in low places. As a damn-near 7ft tall person who once punched a man out of his shirt, he is the kind of friend you need when the plan is to do something that is legal-but-barely.
So we get to Atlanta and meet with
Ssippi and the friend of a friend. We
make arrangements to use another friends McMansion to shoot in the guest room
in exchange for a few bucks and an agreement to clean up any messes left
Who knew that making and producing adult content was so easy? No more VHS or DVDs, so no worries about unskippable ads or needing to have some kind of musical backing. No need to worry about leaving it in the VCR or DVD player. Consumers just take in what they want then clear their browsing history and be done!
I should remind you that this is
still ABSOLUTELY an experimental undertaking, as none of the four of us – Me,
my wife, Ssip or the friend of a friend – knows what sound is coming out of this
woman when the games begin.
Whatever… Ssip sets up his iPads, Wife Person™ sets up HER iPad, I make sure the lighting is right and give everyone their cues before counting them in.
Who knew this could ever be so
simple? If I’d have known that making
and releasing content for the weird-fetish corners of the internet was so
simple I might not have bothered with the last 25 years of fulltime employment.
But we on now, this all is about to blow up and retire us when we pull this off, right?
Things started off innocuously enough, what we were producing notwithstanding. Our “performers” went through the normal motions of kissing and petting before moving along to more involved things and eventually they were all the way into it. Wife Person™, Ssip and I stood off to the side and properly shut the fuck up so as to not be heard on any footage while also knowing that EVENTUALLY that this born-deaf woman would eventually make some kind of sound as we intended and expected to profit from all along…
… and “make a sound” she absolutely did!
There was this low guttural bellow that came from this small woman, a level of which I would not even expect from a woman three times her size. As I’m off to the side out of eyeshot barely stifling a snicker, she KEPT doing it. As I regained some of my composure and mouthed to my partners in (non-) crime “she must be enjoying it,” our male performer hops off of her and says “I can’t do this shit, man… This bitch sound like a moose!”
Now, she is kneeling on the chaise looking MORTIFIED, wholly unaware what is going on in the maelstrom and unable to keep up to read lips of all of the involved parties yelling at one another over what is now not happening. Naturally, none of us knows sign language and it might be for the better because this would be some fucked up shit to tell someone who cannot personally hear the sounds they have just made.
When things calmed down, my wife wrote down that the guy was having some uhh--… “issues” and was--… um… “too embarrassed to continue,” and we all agreed that since she was not comfortable compromising her only income stream with otherwise incomplete content we would agree to delete everything.
We ate dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Ssippi before heading back to NC and dropping the young lady back off at her apartment, thanking her for her willingness to try to work with us.
When I got back to work Monday morning, I Googled “moose sounds” and what I found caused me to choke on my coffee, thus triggering a coughing fit and requiring use of my inhaler.
That laugh was ABSOLUTELY worth it!