True Story©... Date Night

 

    It's spring, y'all, that means I'm back cutting grass for the money…

Not that I'm hurting for cash in a two-income household, but I really do love the additional cash in hand if I wanna just up and grab me and/or Wife Person™ a new pair of Nikes or just be like "cover up your titties and put on some shoes, we going to eat something good" on a Sunday morning without first checking my account balance.

    Which brings us to last Friday…
I got off at 5 and did a quick first-cut on a new client, took me an hour including travel back home. Barely broke a sweat, didn't even unload when I got to the house, just locked up and ran in the house to wash up real quick and told Wife Person™ let's go eat.

Her: "Where we going?"

Me: "Put your shoes on and get in that white station wagon out there."

She stopped asking questions and put on her shoes. I threw mine on and off we were!

    At an to-remained-unnamed restaurant, we were seated and nursing our waters while waiting on appetizers and two separate couples were seated at tables near us. Nothing abnormal on the face, but put a pin in that, it's coming back up on the final exam.
Service was overall good with the exception of the waitress thinking too loudly when I said shrimp and I wound up with fish instead. No real problem, 'cept now my allergic-to-shrimp wife will now pluck food off my plate and I will have a tantrum and she will beat me in the restaurant in front of all these people… at least the fish was good though.

    At the two tables around us, it is clear there is some manner of tension between the man of one couple and the woman of the other. Wife Person™ didn't clock it, but I'm a people watcher who reads rooms to make sure I'm not being lined up for assassination and caught on quick. I slickly sent her a text to pull her coat to it, but she couldn't turn and look. Luckily for me, both tables were in front of me, so my looky-who wasn't so obvious.
Oddly, the non-plexing dates happened to excuse themselves to the restroom at about the same time leaving the beefing - OBVIOUSLY former partners - at their (adjacent) tables…

Her: "Just couldn't wait, huh?"

Him: "Don't e'em start this shit out in front of all these people."

Her: "Just tell me, was it before we split?"

Him: "After! The fuck?"

Her: "Mmhmm…"

Him: "Why you ask if your mind already made up 'bout it?"

Her: "I just wanted to see if you was gon lie like you always do!"

Him: "Lie!? I just met her last week, this our first date!"

Her: "And you just HAPPEN to end up exactly where I am at the same time?"

Him: "I could be asking you these same questions, y'know."

I text Wife Person™:
"NGL, new girl is an upgrade in looks and temperament."
She rolled her eyes.

Her: "What I'm supposed to just be single forever and ever amen?"

Him: "One… I'mma ask you the same thing. Two… YOU broke up with ME!"

Her: "I told you, I wanted to be--…"

Her date was coming back to the table now. His wouldn't be far behind.

Me (in my mind): "No, don't stop now, I was invested!"

    Just at that moment, it clicked…
Their ending up in the same place at the same time was NOT coincidence. Neither mentioned this being 'their' spot, and Greensboro is a mid sized US city, plenty of places to eat especially when you think you MIGHT encounter the wrong witnesses.
Before I could stop myself, I said "oh shit, this a Badder Bitches Bureau date."
He looked at me and BOTH of their dates looked uncomfortable, the three people of the six of us who know what that is had heard me say it.

Wife Person™: "Phillip, what the hell is a Badder Bitches Bureau?"

Me: "I'll explain in the car."

    We finished our food, I paid the check and tip and we hauled our happy asses to the car quickfast.
Back in the car, I had explaining to do…

Me: "So a few months ago, I was on Craigslist looking at the used car section lot of habit and--…"

Wife Person™: "You're not taking another spot in the driveway."

Me: "And I'm not, I just like to browse sometimes. I look at puppies too! Anyway, the front page had the advert and it piqued my curiosity. Basically, the service links you up with someone who looks better than your ex while also catfishing them into a date with information you provide on them and then arrange to have the date end up in the exact same place."

Wife Person™: "That's petty."

Me: "It's HILARIOUS!"

Wife Person: *grunts*

Me: "So anyway, your ex sees you with the upgrade and either a scene ensues or they sit quiet and stew over it all night. Either way their fake date they didn't know was fake is blown to bits."

Wife Person™: "Who comes UP with this shit?"

Me: "It's this kid I--… shit, let's call him!"

Wife Person™: "No no, you don't gotta--…”

… the phone was ringing out.

Them: "Hello? Moe, that you?"

Me: "Wife with me, just call me Phlip. We witnessed your services in action tonight."

Him: "The B.B.B.?"

Me: "That's the one, looked like shit went smooth. The dates never let on that they knew each other and excused themselves to potty with perfect timing. You got something going young man."

Him: "That means a lot coming from you, mister Phillips--… um, shit… Phlip."

Me: "Heh, we'll work on that. I ain't gon hold you, just wanted you to know your service is working."

Him: "Thanks, you think we can tap in sometime and--…"

Me: "A-YO!!! My wife's right here and needs deniability!"

Him: "Whoops! Sorry"

Me: "I'll get at you soon."

And we ended the call. We were close to home when she had questions.

Wife Person™: "'tap in'? 'link up'? Sir!"

Me: "Deniability."

Wife Person™: "What does that even MEAN?"

Me: "It means the less you know, the less you know."

She stopped asking questions…
This leaves me wondering how I can work my apparent protégé into my shenanigans. We'll work something out, soon I hope.