True Story©... The BBB

 

    Sometimes when I get bored, I go to Craigslist...
Not because I need or intend to buy anything, just to kill a little time. Don't knock me for this, I've found two of my cars and Yeti doing JUST this.

    Anyway, I'm on Craigslist last week and I happened upon a "personal services" ad that REALLY piqued my curiosity, and no I was not in the "pussy for sale" section of the website, I assure you.

[Phlip note: the "pussy for sale" section is more often the "pænis surprise" section, if what I read on Reddit is to be believed]

In the ad--... fuggit, copy/paste time.

"Gentlemen, had a rough breakup? Wanna get back at her? Well we're here to help! Contact us at [information hidden] to discuss services we can offer"

    Well shiiiid... I'm fully comfortable in a room with my ex for hours on end without addressing her directly, so I don't NEED this service, but I'm always doing on-the-ground research for some shit I can finesse into the Moe Phillips toolkit to use later on. I clicked the contact link and navigated through the weird system Craigslist uses to weed out bots and scammers in order to send an email feigning interest in the service. I left my phone number in the message in case they wanted to discuss this that way.
I realized after I did it that I reflexively put in my PERSONAL number and not the Moe Phillips number
Rookie mistake, and that will matter later, so remember that.

    About three hours later, my phone rings...

Me: "Hello?"

Caller: "Yeah, can I speak to--... uhh... Phil--... Phillip?"

Me: "Phillip, please... Never Phil."

Him: "Noted. You emailed about the service?"

Me: "Yeah, what does it entai--... shit you sound young, how old are you?"

Him: "I'm 19."

Me: "Wow, okay. So yeah. What does this service consist of?"

Him: "We call it 'The Badder Bitches Bureau,' where we put an investigator on your ex, perhaps catfishing her into a date and arrange for you to show up in the same place with a CONSIDERABLY more attractive woman on your arm."

Me: "Holy shit! This is brilliant!"

Him: "Thanks. So how goes it, are you trying to get involved. Got an ex you're trying to get back at?"

Me: "Nah, I don't let my exes or what they did consume a lot of space in my thoughts. Took quite a bit of therapy to reach that level of freedom."

Him: "I see. So where are we going with this?"

Me: "To be frank, I was intrigued with your business model. So do you guys have like full service, how do you know how to catfish someone's ex?"

Him: "We ask the prospective client probing questions about their ex to establish some habits and interests, what she is into and use that information to manipulate the conversation into the realm of her interest, almost guarenteeing to secure the date."

Me: "wooooooow"

Him: "Once we set up and secure the date, we match you with a model who indicates that you may have a 'type' for sure, but is a clear upgrade from the ex."

Me: "This is fuckin diabolical."

Him: "For an additional fee, we can have the catfish notice her preoccupation with your presence and LEAVE her on the date for another model who we'll conveniently place, seated alone, in the venue."

Me: "And you're 19!? I'm impressed."

Me: "And if she is already in another relationship or married, you don't need to worry--..."

Me: "... that hurdle certainly didn't stop many of my exes from dating."

Him: "Ouch... you sure you don't wanna hire us?"

Me: "Positive."

Him: "So these are all offered in escalating packages, pricing starts at--..."

Me: "... I'm not checking your pockets little homie. Where did you come UP with this shit?"

Him: "I found this website and YouTube channel about this guy named Moe Phillips. He tells his tales about schemes he pulls of for extra cash. I mulled over some ideas that I could conjure up for my own plan without copying any of his and possibly being found out. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy you'd want to cross."

Me: *chokes*

Him: "Bless you."

Me: "Okay, so like I was saying, I am not in NEED of your services at the current time, but you seem to have your shit going for you so I'mma keep your math, is that cool?"

Him: "Yes, and thank you."

Me: "No, thank you. I think I know all I need to know and don't want to waste any more of your time, lil bro. Thanks for your time."

Him: "You're welcome... Thanks for reaching out."

    And we ended the call...
Holy fucking smokes. First off, it's a good thing I slipped up in the moment and used my name and not Moe to make this contact, lest I might not have received the call.

    It took all I had in me not to break character in the moment by going INTO character and revealing Moe's identity and offering this kid a fuckin job!  I've decided since ending the conversation that I may eventually peel back the curtain and reveal the wizard.  Maybe we can build a family business since these women in my house don't want to join me in supervillainy?
However it goes down, I'm just pleased to see that when I finally lay the supervillainy down for good, that the future is in great hands.  He had surely earned the lil bro/lil homie distinction I laid on him at the end of the call.