True Story©... We Want It That Way!
I knew as soon as I was "done" with it in September that I had not heard the last of this situation, and I said as much at the time. I guess my only real source of "surprise" is how little time it took to come back to me.
To be totally honest, I shouldn't be all that surprised about that either.
I say all that to say -- and y'all know it -- my phone rang.
Me: "Hello?"
Her: "I'm bugging out right now!"
Me: "I'm fantastic, thanks for asking!"
Her: "Huh?"
Me: "You know you haven't spoken to me since the end of May, right?"
Her: "Oh, oh yeah right... And I had the problem with my brakes and my landlord."
I know where this is going, but she don't know that so I'mma play dumb or at least treat this conversation like it is all news to me. Remember, she came to PHILLIP for advice because she has known me before Moe Phillips existed. Her landlord came to Moe because I'on know him.
Me: "And how did that work out for you?"
Her: "It was working good for a minu--..."
Me: "... well I'm glad I could help."
Her: "... until it didn't."
Me: "Oh shit... What happened?"
Her: "Well I asked what I should do with the unexpected expense I was facing and it was threatening my rent money. You told me to use a rubber..."
Me: "Very sound advice, that."
Her: "So I called my landlord to come over and discuss it in person."
Me: "Huh? Why?"
Her: "So I could offer him a lil' something in exchange for the fees or perhaps some assistance with the rent, like you said to do!"
Me: "I didn't say to do that, all I said was:"
(keep the receipts, kids!)
Her: "What does that even mean, if not to fuck him though!?"
Me: "You clearly misunderstood the message I was imparting there."
Her: "Well what WAS the message."
Me: "Nothing."
Her: "No seriously what WERE you trying to say if not to fuck him for the money off?"
Me: "NOTHING, the message was literally nothing!"
Her: "What!?"
Me: "I couldn't just not say anything, but I had no clue on how to carry it, so I just used a piece of sound advice. Using a rubber is always smart math!"
Her: "So you telling me I was fucking my landlord for half off the rent because you needed to entertain yourself!?"
I still gotta act like I didn't know about this...
Me: "You say half off the rent?"
Her: "Yeah, we was basically in a relationship for a couple months there and he was cutting half of the rent while we were doing it. Now he done got a conscience and wants the whole thing and won't come and 'talk' about it."
Me: "Hmm... property taxes done pushed my mortgage up like 300 bucks with escrow."
Her: "Are you even listening to me?"
Me: "Probably not for the reasons you might like."
Her: "You're RIDICULOUS!!!"
Me: "My wife tells me that all the time, especially when I'm being ridic--..."
Her: "Are you going to help me!?"
Me: "Ma'am, I just told you I'm already paying almost a quarter more on my mortgage until April when my escrow hits, fuck no!"
Her: "I don't want your money, just what should I do?"
Me: "Shiiiid... Make sure you use a rubb--..."
Her: "DAMMIT, YOU'RE INSUFFERABLE!!!"
She finally hung up.
The way I see this, she has gotten several hundred off her rent, was in a semi-committed relationship for at least that amount of time -- and is not currently heavy with child -- so using a rubber was ABSOLUTELY good intel and we all won, right?
So Thursday before last I was cycling through my normal text conversations with various friends throughout our respective work days and I was telling Alabama Jay and Mr Ssippi about her phone call...
Jay: "Imagine being able to leverage pussy power to get a whole half off of the rent just like that. Is there a man equivalent?"
Me: "I've heard of Sugar Mamas, but have never actually experienced it personally."
Jay: "How do we get those?"
Me: "First off, we are both married. We'd have to enlist the women of our respective households to recruit our sponsors and handle the money."
Jay: "Ain't that like just volunteering to be pimped?"
Me: "As compared to divorce after what would technically be cheating, even if carried out with the most earnest of intentions? I'd rather be pimped!"
Jay: "Point taken."
So Thursday evening rolls in, Wife Person™ gets home from work and I present the idea to her, with ALL of the supporting reasoning and make sure to mention all the fly shit we can do with 800-1000 extra dollars a month not coming out of OUR pockets.
... and was summarily shut IMMEDIATELY the fuck down.
Friday back at work, I text Jay and ask "What did your wife say?" and he responded with a string of angry-faced emojis and exclamation points. I hit him back with "pretty much standard."
Looks like I'mma still be churching up this 1/2 the mortgage every two weeks and using that as a means of getting and keeping the number down as best I can until I win the lottery or some shit.
Y'all wish me luck!
Comments