True Story© Hotep Pussy

(If only I had known then what I know now)

     Sometimes I am inspired…  Sometimes I draw on memories of times that are now behind me.  Sometimes I let other people’s experiences teach me.  Sometimes I know full well what has happened to people resultant of their behaviors and still behave ignorantly just the same.

So one day I gets it in my head that I have never actually been with a hotep chick.  If you don’t know what a hotep is, I strongly suggest  Googling the term and coming back.
[Note: UrbanDictionary for all the laughs]

Welcome back.

Now, for the sake of conversation, we are being very specific in our definition of “been with,” applying it to mean “made sex with.”  I joined a couple of FB groups to do some insider research and get my foot in the door.  I did all of the “stay woke” I could muster, dropping the BEST lines I could come up with to ingratiate myself.  All the red black and green and "stay woke" bullshit I could cook up to make me more interesting to this audience and within a week of joining the group, I had one of these amazing-smelling women in my inbox chatting me up.

     I would learn that I did NOT want to hook that fish (details forthcoming), but I am also quite fucking stupid, so I totally went for it.

Two days in the inbox, she took my number...  A week and a half of texts and conversations, me totally staying in character and we met in person at the park downtown.  That went well and one week later we had ourselves a date.
Date…
“Date,” in that she was SUPER against giving money to corporate entities not owned by woke black people and had some specific dietary restrictions, so she invited me to her place, where she cooked us dinner and we STARTED watching 5 on the Black Hand Side.  To my surprise, she was very forward and totally “NetFlix & Chill’d” me so I never even made it to the "Groove with The Grape" line in the movie.  And I let it happen.  And it was AMAZING.

We were never an “item” because she never pushed the issue, so we just kinda let things be as they were.  I would come by a time or two a week, she would cook me some odd vegan dinner and it would taste fucking amazing and then I would get my socks blown and go home to my dog and Playstation.

(I tried to told them)

 “Fuck you been doing, Phlip?” came the cries from the people in my circle.
“You changing up man.  Dressing different, letting your hair grow back out and is that Patchouli I smell?”
I was completely unaware of what was happening to me.  Apparently you tend to not notice gradual changes while they are happening and these were not exactly that gradual.  Despite not being in a titled relationship with this woman, she had become the only one I was making time for in the midst of what HAD been my post-divorce drought.  Again, she never hit me with the “what are we?” or pressed beyond continuing to request my presence and making sure I enjoyed the food and I REALLY enjoyed the company.  The changes it caused in my appearance and behavior, though?  Totally unexpected, I didn’t even notice them myself until drawn to my attention.

But we’ve seen this shit before.

     So there I was.  Three months into a relationship that was not really a relationship.  Crazy ass afro, hadn’t groomed my beard one little bit the whole time, house smelling like Nag Champa, clothes carrying a smell of patchouli and vegan soul food that I couldn't seem to wash out with this new homemade "natural" detergent shit she had me using.
Oh, the CLOTHES!  How in the FUCK had I not noticed that was allowing myself out in public in some damn crocheted pants, a matching dashiki and kufi?  What the hell had this woman done to me?  As good as the food was, and as great as the sex was, I did not like what I was becoming and had to end it with her post-haste.

There were times where I might have considered attempting another romp with her before meeting my current lady, but thankfully talked myself out of it each time.

These days, I offer my story as a warning to my young boys now.  I understand you might see yourself as conquering a new land of sorts, but PLEASE understand that Hotep Pussy can and WILL ruin your whole entire life and the shitty part is that you won’t even notice it until it is too late.  
I know it seems like I am joking a bit savage on Badu in this post, but trust that was the furthest from my intentions.  The thing is that she is the most visible proof of the phenomenon that nearly ruined my whole life.


Shout to the dude Rippa for this one.