True Story©... The (In-)Famous Supreme Team pt II

    Where were we?
Oh yes, ride along!

    They arranged to come and get me two days later, of course after assembling their team and getting the marching orders coordinated with all involved participants.  Gotta make sure no one gets smoked not knowing where they should be standing, y'know.
The morning of the jumpout, I got a text from Ramsbottom to be ready in an hour and waiting in the front at the end of my driveway. I got ready and let the dogs out one last time for the afternoon and we were off as soon as they arrived. Before setting out, they explained that THEIR legal duty is that I, as a civilian, had to sit back and observe only.  I could not be involved or in the line of potential fire, or even visible in their body cams. This means they would not be allowed to let me out of the car until whatever happens has happened, and that anything I saw in this interaction would have to be from whatever distance they parked.

    We rode out to a tiny log cabin house about 150 yards off the road up on the northwest end of the county. If I had been driving up there I'd have had NO clue it was back there, as in I didn't even see the gravel driveway until we were turning into it.
So anyway, the "raid" was the most uneventful shit ever... We pull down the drive in the Suburban, both cousins step out the door with their hands visible in front of them. When the team got out of their vehicles with weapons drawn, they went to their knees with their hands behind their heads in surrender. The door to the cabin was wide open behind them.  It was as if they KNEW they were going to have company and chose to survive the encounter instead of getting assaulted while screaming "I ain't did nufffin!"
While two agents cuffed and stuffed the suspects, the rest including Woodpenis and Ramsbottom searched -- basically just tossed -- the tiny building. It did not take long. They came out with three laptop computers, five phones and one box marked with the Dig Bick Energy logo.

    The cousins were read their rights and taken downtown for book-in and fingerprinting, Ramsbottom and Woodpenis immediately let curiosity get the better of them and gloved up and peeked inside the product carton. I know they know they ain't supposed to be doing that, finger fucking the evidence outside of chain of custody and such..
Now that the encounter was over, I was free of the back of the car and dammit I was curious...

Me: "What's in it?"

Ramsbottom: "it's COAL!!!"

Me: "Ooh shit... I know this story!"

Ramsbottom: "Huh?"

Me: "Let's just say they f'sho have Santa on clientele, and YOU probably just made the naughty list."

Woodpenis: "Are you drunk?"

Me: "Sober since summer '22, baby!"

Woodpenis: "So what are you talking about?"

Me: "Bro, what does Santa give kids on the naughty list? Coal! The homies over there must have done Santa SOME kind of a solid, because y'all's little raid here has turned up basically nothing but some coal -- which, by the way, makes perfect sense to have out here in the woods in January based on that smoke coming out the chimney over there -- despite whatever your prior Intel might suggest. These dudes are protected!"

Ramsbottom: "Why would Santa Claus need to buy--... hold on..."

Me: "Say it"

Ramsbottom: "I won't!"

Me: "Say it!"

Ramsbottom: "... ugh... dick pills. Why is Santa buying gas station dick pills?"

Me: "Well they've outgrown the gas station for one.  That is between Santa and his urologist for two. I can assess 'what' all day, the 'why' might expose the weirdest HIPAA violation since the law came to be in 96. Can y'all take me home now?"

Woodpenis: "Well sure, but can you opine on just WHY a box of coal and what Santa has to do with it?"

Me: "Stop acting like you didn't go up there and damn near get done up by Santa yoursel--..."

Ramsbottom: "Wait...  WHAT?!!?"

Woodpenis: "Trust me, you don't want to know...  and I am turning my curiosity off on this too.  Lets g'head and get you back home."

    I sincerely hope they listen to me about that box of coal and just let these dudes loose on this one. I can speak from experience that they do NOT want the problems that come along with that shit.
Meanwhile, I'm in here back home now disappointed as fuck because the only reason I ASKED for the ride along was because I just KNEW there would be some kind of aggressive conflict to make my day just a little bit more interesting, but instead all I got was two guys who just KNOW they're protected by the bearded fatman and chose instead just to be mildly inconvenienced for a few minutes so they could ultimately live to tell about it.

Wait a minute! I put Santa on to them, maybe I can finesse him for the favor he now owes ME next time he comes to visit.  I damn sure ain't setting out to find HIM though.  People come flirtatiously close to meeting sky daddy messing around with Santa and I ain't trying to endeavor that again if I can avoid it.