True Story©... The Mechanic

"Bro, I need some advice real quick."

Ahh shit... I know how this goes.

Me: "Does that 'advice' involve my cashapp account?"

Him: "Nah, I'm up right now and that's kinda the problem."

Me: "Oh, this should be good. What's up?"

Him: "So my neighbor, the--..."

Me: "The hot headed wee feller that is aggressively balding in his 20s? The one with the V6 charger racing Altimas on Randleman Road."

Him: "Hahaha, that's the one. He called me this morning."

Me: "From next door? What for!?"

Him: "From Sycamore Street."

Me: "Oh shit... What he done did now? They finally get him for street racing?"

Him: "Nah... Assault, but it does involve that stupid ass car."

Me: "He tried the wrong Altima and got his feelings hurt and hit somebody baby mama?"

Him: "Somehow this is worse than that fully unhinged but somehow completely plausible idea you're cooking up."

Me: "Lemme sit down."

Him: "This motherf--… check engine light came on, he goes to the shop and they run diagnostic and tell him he needs a catalytic converter."

Me: "So the hell what? That happens to literally every car eventually."

Him: "I know that… you know that… this feisty midget decides that because the country-ass mechanic pronounced it 'cadillac' converter."

Me: "Again, and hell, MY mechanic pronounced it like that. So what?"

Him: "You know cars, to the point that mechanic has never touched one of yours. You know when someone says 'cadillac' converter exactly what they meant. This jackass, knows how to put gas in a car. He figured dude was playing in his face because he drives a Dodge, not a Cadillac, so he jumped on him and caught a charge."

Me: "Oh shit, Jerich--...  shit, Blicky Bobby made a song about that!"

Him: "Who!?"

[Phlip note: this is the first time I've been able to beat someone to this… frame it]

Me: "He's new. Put me on speaker real quick, I'll play this for you."

[engine rev]

(phone ringing)

I’m in the booth with the gang

He in the county, sound insane (what?)

He like, “Cuz, I need that bail”

I’m like, “What you did?” he exhale

“Man, this clown at the car shop tried it

So I hopped out, swung on him, quiet”

He say, “I pull up in my Charger, right

Lil dude look dead in my eyes

Told me, ‘Bro, you need a Cadillac converter’

So I blacked out, now I’m wearin’ this orange shirt”

I said, “Hold on, run it back, what you say?”

“You hit a man over that? You okay?”

“You drive a Dodge, fool, you trippin’”

He said, “He thought I was dumb, so I hit him” (dummy)

You need WHAT!? (huh?)

Boy, you sound slow on that jailhouse phone (so slow)

It’s a catalytic converter, you shoulda stayed home (for real)

Now them bars go *clank* and your funds all gone (clank)

You need WHAT!? (what!?)

Thought he played in your face, now you stuck in a dome (locked)

I’ma let you sit there, let the lesson get grown

You need WHAT!? Yeah, you need to leave folks alone

He like, “Cuz, he said Cadillac, though”

I said, “Nah, that’s just how people talk at the store”

“That piece clean your fumes, keep the ride in check

Ain’t a luxury whip, it protect your neck”

“You ain’t read nothin’, you just swing first

Now you eatin’ county meals, sayin’ life the worst”

He said, “So you ain’t gon’ slide with the racks?”

I said, “I ain’t payin’ for you failin’ in class” (nah)

Told him, “Google is free, but these cells ain’t cheap”

“You a menace in the street and a menace to the heat”

He said, “Cuz, that mechanic still breathin’?”

I said, “Yeah, and your car still wheezin’” (wheeze)

You need WHAT!? (what!?)

Boy, you sound slow on that jailhouse phone (ring-ring)

It’s a catalytic converter, not a luxury chrome (dummy)

You caught a case tryna flex, now you sittin’ alone (so alone)

You need WHAT!? (huh?)

I’ma let that concrete teach you right from wrong (learn)

When you read that invoice, think of this song

You need WHAT!? Yeah, you need sense, not loans (facts)

[door slam, echo]

I told him, “Count days, not my pockets” (yeah)

“You fightin’ words, I’m fightin’ profits” (uh)

Next time ask what it mean ‘fore you swing

Click

[phone hang up, engine revs fade under]

You need WHAT!? (what!?)

Boy, you sound slow on that jailhouse phone (so slow)

It’s a catalytic converter, let that term get known (learn that)

You was tough at the shop, now you humble in chrome (bars)

You need WHAT!? (what!?)

I’ma spin by the lot, get my tune-up done (skrrt)

You can sit in that block, think about what you done

You need WHAT!? (yeah) next time, think, then run

Him: "That's HILARIOUS."

Me: "It might be."

Him: "So what do I tell him?"

Me: "Since you've clearly not ignored the initial call, wait and hope he finds another sucker. If he calls back, tell him you ain't got it."

Him: "Makes sense. I appre--… where can I find more of that rapper dude?"

Me: "I'll text you his Spotify when we hang up."

Him: "Aight, thanks."

    Okay, so it really WAS just advice but to be frank it shouldn't even have come to that! Ain't like dude was family--… wait, I wonder if he lives next door to Blicky Bobby's cousin or if there are THAT many unstable Charger drivers in Greensboro?  Or hell, if it even was his legitimate cousin.  This only gets weirder the longer I think about it.
Lemme call Jericho and ask him about this shit.