True Story©... Moe-tegé

 

Valentine's Day is this weekend, y'all...

    While in general, I don't really much care for or about the day, there are little things in sometimes notice as I travel about my plans from week to week. I made a trip through Walmart and one to Walgreens for general merchandise and to refill a prescription, respectively, within the last few weeks. While I was in Walgreens in particular -- mainly because they're all the size of my kitchen now -- I noticed that the whole Plan B display was completely empty.
The comedian in me saw how that could be a trip, what with St Valentine's Day approaching, but thought nothing of it.

    When I went to Walmart, I had to go to the health and beauty section for body wash and such items. Passing the "family planning" section, I noticed--... wait...
Does anyone other than me find it at all weird that what they call the "family planning" section of the drug stores is ACTUALLY the "planning NOT to make a family" section?
Whatever... so I noticed again that behind the locked case, all the would-be Plan B display was completely empty, like sold out!

    Wait a minute... I've seen this before because I DID this before. I got a damned copycat on my hands!
I don't tend to worry much about people getting their metaphorical hands proverbially dirty unless I feel like the shit could possibly blow back on me. When weighing that this is a game that I have DIRECTLY played, specifically in time for Valentine's before, I can't have nobody fuckin up my good name.
I gotta get to the bottom of this shit, and I gotta do it quickly.

    Funny thing about fate sometimes. I set about the city to see which locations WHERE still had Plan B in stock. I found a lil hole in the wall CVS far out on the northwest, damn near in Madison, offered the kid working the floor a couple bucks to take a picture and send it to me if some weirdo came in and bought up all the Plan B packs.
Before I even got back home, my Fitbit alerted me that my phone had received a message from an unsaved number. I pulled over and checked it, it was the kid from the store already and I'll be damned if the face in the image wasn't the kid from the Badder Bitches Bureau scam from back in October!

I waited until I got home from the research trip to call him...

Him: "Hello? Who dis?"

Me: "Well if it ain't Mr Badder Bitches Bureau himself, I see you've branched--..."

Him: "Who is this, is this the dude who had called me to talk about the business before?"

Me: "In the flesh. It seems you've branched out?"

Him: "You're on a different number than the one I'd saved."

Me: "Oh, this is my Moe Phillips burn--... fuck"

Him: "Repeat that last part?"

Me: "... um...  fuck?"

Him: "No, the half sentence before 'fuck'. Your WHAT phone?"

Me: "FOUR SCORE AND TWENTY YEARS--..."

Him: "You been Moe Phillips this whole-ass time!? You could be MENTORING me!"

Me: "You copied my shit.  You lucky you weren't made example of."

Him: "This is clearly one of those 'imitation is the best form of flattery' situations, what you did was so smart."

Me: "Thanks."

Him: "So what's up? What's the reason for the call?"

Me: "Fuck you mean what is the reason?  I was prepared to visit ill will upon you!  Well if it had been anyone other than you, I'd be hunting you like The Purge but now I kinda feel some sorta way."

Him: "While I got you here, have you heard of this new rapper Blicky Bobby? I found him on Spotify this morning and he made a Valentine's song and dropped it the other day."

Me: **stunned camel noises**

Him: "I just text you a link to your other phone."

I opened it and clicked it. "Time to Valen" is the title...
I clicked play...

"Yeah

Blicky Bobby

Time to Valen, baby

You know I treat you right (kinda)

Time to Valen, girl, I planned it perfect

Got a budget and a bucket, you deserve it

We can split the check, that’s how you know it’s real

If I hit the dollar menu, that’s how you know I feel

Time to Valen, we gon’ do it big

Got a candle and a coupon, that’s the gig

If you want a fairytale, I can make it happen

Two for one, baby, that’s romantic

First date, drive-thru, pull up slow

Tell you “order anything”… off the value row

Got a lean seat, stain on the floor mat

Say “don’t mind that,” that’s where love at

Hit the Waffle House, booth right by the trash

Tell you “this is VIP,” watch me count cash

Plastic rose from the gas in my backseat

I’ve been saving it a week, that’s elite (yeah)

Time to Valen, girl, I planned it perfect

Got a budget and a bucket, you deserve it

We can split the check, that’s how you know it’s real

If I hit the dollar menu, that’s how you know I feel

Time to Valen, we gon’ do it big

Got a candle and a coupon, that’s the gig

If you want a fairytale, I can make it happen

Two for one, baby, that’s romantic

Home date, chef Blick in the kitchen (chef!)

Boil hot dogs, microwave dishes

Burnt toast, heart-shaped, kinda crooked on the plate

Say “it’s abstract art,” that’s fate

Streaming password from my cousin, I’m legit

Tell you “pick a movie,” then I never let you pick

Take a selfie in the hallway, say we matching

But it’s just me and the mirror, I’m capping

Got a list in my notes, hundred cheap ideas

All of them “fire,” none of them ideal

Talk about “us,” talk about “we”

Then I look at my phone like… who texting me?

Time to Valen, girl, I planned it perfect

Got a budget and a bucket, you deserve it

We can split the check, that’s how you know it’s real

If I hit the dollar menu, that’s how you know I feel

Time to Valen, we gon’ do it big

Got a candle and a coupon, that’s the gig

If you want a fairytale, I can make it happen

Two for one, baby, that’s romantic

Yeah

Hard beat, soft heart, that’s the blend (uh-huh)

Got all these bad plans that I’d never recommend

Talkin’ ’bout “bae,” talkin’ ’bout “we” in the track

But it’s Blicky on the couch, single, snacks in the back."

[Phlip note: if Jericho doesn't call me soon, I'mma call him, because this clever bastard is actually clever and we need to talk about whatever the fuck ever he got going on in his brain.]

Me: "Well I'll be damned."

Him: "What?"

Me: "First Santa and now you."

Him: "Santa? What!?"

Me: "Nothing... Never mind. With those Plan B pills, you need to operate like the Internet don't exist. Only dead drops and cash only. Normally when moving illicit goods, I tell people not to serve anyone you don't know but in this case, treat EVERYONE like strangers you never have or will meet, even your identical triplet brothers."

Him: "I'm an only chi--..."

Me: "You know exactly what I meant. I oughta charge you a finder's fee for straight up stealing my idea too."

Him: "And you'd be due one too if this shit pops."

Me: "Keep that in mind if you feeling generous. Imma leave you to it, I got some business to handle for the time being. We gon link up and sit down for collab ideas sometime in the not-too-distant future though."

Him: "I'd love that."

    And with that, I cut him loose...  I mean, I entered this situation fully prepared to Moe Phillips whoever it was aping my shine.  Unfortunately I gotta let him breathe for now, because now I gotta go to Spotify and see what the fuck ol Jiggab--... Jericho Jackson has been up to lately.