True Story©... That ol' Biological Clock

 

"Moe,

I don't know that this is your wheelhouse, but I'm running low on options now...

My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now, and are having a bit of a problem. We're wholly on the same page as far as family goals, i.e. we definitely want children while we're still young enough to enjoy it and have been trying, but we've had trouble conceiving.

After months of trying, we saw a doctor and she was diagnosed with a condition that will make conception difficult, and even if successful may not see all the way to birth.

We were heartbroken, but not near as much as we would be when we learned the COST of adoption with mind on our preference for a newborn or the non-insurance-covered cost of surrogacy.

What we seek from you is advice on how we might be able to proceed in starting our family? We want a newborn, would love to involve our own progeny if at all possible and for it to not break the bank.

Please help!"

    What I have not told y'all in detail about my absence last winter -- the times I was away from December through February -- was that I still minded the Moe Phillips mailbox.

[Phlip note: if you're connected to me on The Bookface, I discussed the reason in detail on Thanksgiving. I will not repeat it here]

    The email above was received, stewed upon from the comfort of my couch, and responded to in early January of last year if I remember correctly. I kinda flung the message off into the ether and didn't even think about it again. I would say I didn't think of it again until I got a call on the Moe Phillips burner last Friday...

Me: "Hello?"

Caller: "Is--... is this Moe?"

Me: "That always depends on who asking."

Him: "Moe Phillips?"

Me: "None of this 'who's on first' shit. I'm packing for a trip, what you want?"

Him: "Your idea backfired!"

Me: "Bro, I'm up to a backfired plan about once every week or three. Be more specific."

Him: "I did exactly as you instructed. I signed up for dating apps, I let my wife do the driving because, like you said--..."

Me: "... women understand women better than we do and she would know what to say. I remember you now."

Him: "Okay, so my wife spoke on my behalf with my pictures and profile and we secured a woman, a--..."

Me: "... a well-to-do woman!"

Him: "... a well-to-do woman. One who was looking to settle into a possible relationship but not necessarily a marriage, but was looking to have a baby."

Me: "Wait... I legit suggested this shit thinking it would die on the altar when you suggested it to your wife."

Him: "It sounds wild, I know."

Me: "Okay, so what happened?"

Him: "My wife talks her into coming to meet me."

Me: "With or without her?"

Him: "I don't know how she pulled it off... She showed me the whole messaging thread which I had no control over for accountability reasons like you suggested--..."

Me: "... WAS SHE AT THE MEET UP OR NOT!?"

Him: "No..."

Me: "Okay, because--..."

Him: "... and yes."

Me: "Witchcraft...  I kinda wanna know what exactly YOU said to your wife to sell this shit!"

Him: "So somehow she finagles the truth into the conversation, swoops in and somehow applies our REAL situation into the conversation and--..."

Me: "And it all dies on the vine, right."

Him: "Man..."

Me: "RIGHT?!!?"

Him: "Now the meet up is a threet up."

Me: "Heheh, I see what you did there."

Him: "And somehow, we go through with it. We have several dates and we all hit it off and reach a business-ish decision wherein we will have a baby that the three of us will coparent."

Me: "So all good, you and your wife get your baby, your new friend gets a baby and we all live happily ever after with a WILD-ass story to tell."

Him: "Not even close."

Me: "Like not at all?"

Him: "Worse."

Me: "S'plain..."

Him: "Pregnancy hormones, wife jealous because she WANTS to be pregnant, they started to clash and--..."

Me: "... and you became the common enemy."

Him: "Bingo."

Me: "But y'all had the agreement, you just had to tough out the pregnancy and get through to the baby right?"

Him: "But she kinda didn't NEED us. She just liked the fact that I was 6'5" and healthy."

Me: "As a 5'8" man, I have no clue what that feels like.  Please tell me your genius wife thought to get this all in writing."

Him: "See, we took it off the apps and out of texts once we met in person. It was all in person conversations and phone calls."

Me: "PLEASE tell me there was a contract?"

Him: "See, what had happened--..."

Me: "She had the baby through the conflicts and in the postpartum afterglow, sued for full custody, probably because--..."

Him: "... because the fact that all verifiable evidence showed that I had been cheating on my wife and therefore have the moral turpitude that should preclude me from being in the baby's life "

Me: "Ouch!"

Him: "... and despite her considerable income on her own, she took us DIRECTLY to court to make the custody agreement legal and--..."

Me: "... the judge--..."

Him: "... ATE THAT SHIT UP!!! Now I get weekend visitation, but we have to pay HER child support!"

Me: "Why are you telling me this?"

Him: "I need help figuring a way to get at least shared custody of my baby, man."

Me: "Bro... Returning to the architect of a problem of this type for solutions seems kinda backwards, don't it?"

Him: "Well... yeah, but can you see where we feel we might be out of options?"

Me: "Do family law practices not exist where you live?"

Him: "The retainers, man!"

Me: "You're WAY too worried about finances to want a baby as much as you say y'all do."

Him: "But..."

Me: "I will not be caught practicing law without a license--...  wait...  are you recording this call?"

Him: "No, I'm not, I'm just--…"

Me: "From the day we arrive on the planet

And, blinking, step into the sun

There's more to see than can ever be seen

More to do than can ever be done

There's far too much to take in here

More to find than can ever be found

But the sun rolling high

Through the sapphire sky

Keeps great and small on the endless round"

Him: "What are you doing?"

Me: "I'm singing the theme song to The Lion King, so when you try to post this on socials, Disney will zap your shit...

It's the circle of life

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope--..."

Him: "Please stop."

Me: "You need a lawyer, not Moe Phillips."

Him: "So you got nothing for me?"

Me: "Nope, most especially not something that sees me assuming ANY liability."

Him: "Well shit."

I seriously hope his next call was to set an appointment with a damned lawyer, as he should have done before going to fuckin court.