True Story©... Crashout Assistance
"Bro I'm finna crash the fuck out and need you to talk me down."
So we just all gas and no brakes here on this fine afternoon, huh.
Me: "First of all, why the fuck you at my house at noon on a Tuesday?"
Homie: "I told you, I'm about to crash out on this b--..."
Me: "Crash out on WHO!? And for what?"
Homie: "My wife, man... You know when I work from home, everyone in the house knows to leave me alone in the basement unless I come upstairs. I come up on a break and find a positive pregnancy test in the upstairs bathroom."
Me: "Congratulations, my G."
Homie: "I had a vasectomy in 2023."
Me: "Valid crashout, lemme get my shoes and we'll ride out."
Homie: "That's what I needed to hear."
Damn, it is Tuesday in frigid-ass fuckin January and Phillip has to go out and do Moe Phillips shit on my homie's wife without a plan.
This is gonna be good. I tossed on some shoes, grabbed my inhaler and a jacket and we got in his car to head to his house...
Me: "So what you thinking? How you wanna carry this?"
Homie: "Felony-level shit... I got two hours before the kids get home, I could always redirect them to mom's house and really get my hands dirty."
Me: "Have you, like--... TALKED to your wife?"
I don't think he heard me, or purposely missed the query.
Homie: "... I'll burn the whole fuckin house down and rebuild on the insurance money, her name ain't on the mortgage no way."
[Phlip note: nah... he ain't hear me]
Me: "Sir! Let's not admit to premeditated felonies. Matter of fact, go back to my house, we need to use my car if we going to your crib."
Homie: "Why?"
Me: "Did you come to me for help or to supervise? Go get my damn car!"
We doubled back to my house and changed cars, and got back on the road. The main reason being plausible deniability, in that his wife and neighbors will not immediately know that he was involved if it was not his car that approached or left the scene of an alleged crime. I REALLY needed to know whether or not he had said ANYTHING at all to his wife before finding this bombshell on the bathroom basin and just peacing out.
I would get my answer when his phone rang.
Homie: "It's her"
Me: "Answer it"
Homie: "Hello"
Wife: "Where are you? You were working from home and all of a sudden your car was gone."
Homie: "I had to run to the office for a couple of meetings, I'll be back before the kids get off the bus."
Wife: "I was gonna ask if you wanted some lunch."
I signaled for him to mute his microphone when she was talking, I needed to Cyrano this shit.
With it muted, I told him exactly what to say next.
Homie: "It's Tuesday, doordash that $10 box from KFC and we can eat off of that when I get back."
Wife: "Okay, I'll do that now. See you when you get home."
Homie: "I barely even LIKE KFC, why you have me do that?"
Me: "Phase one... It serves to reason that she will order from the KFC nearest your house, I know for fact they don't really be checking doordash drivers. We just gotta get there before your driver does, say your wife's name accurately and we can make off with the order..."
Homie: "Yeah, but why?"
Me: "... and then on the way back to your place, well open the box and eat all the skin off all the thighs... Phase one I said."
Homie: "Sir you are the GOT damn devil."
Me: "Since we're in my car, it won't be out of the absolute realm of possibility that I appear to be a legit doordasher, we'll drop off the now-skinless chicken and go off site real quick to plan some more."
Homie: "Bet"
We swung by the restaurant and saw the other with his wife's name on it just as they put it on the shelf. I walk in and yell "Delivery for [wife name]" to which they don't even look and just point to the self and here I have just told you how most "regular" fast food places operate if you ever find yourself short on lunch money one day.
[Phlip note: individual results may vary]
While PRAYING she was not tracking the driver, we sped over to the house eating chicken skin like two slovenly fat asses, I got out of the car alone and sprinted to the porch to put the food down and ring the doorbell and sprint back to my still running car. Threw it in drive and got the fuck outta Dodge before being seen.
Me: "You don't have a doorbell camera do you?"
He had his phone in his hands already...
Homie: "Just deleted the clip of your delivery."
Me: "Good thinking."
Homie: "So what happens now?"
Me: "Well first she is gonna call you about the--..."
I was interrupted by his phone ringing...
Homie: "Hello?"
Wife: "You ain't gon BELIEVE this shit"
Homie: "Hmm?"
Wife: "This fat bastard ate all the skin off of just the thighs in this chicken box!"
Homie: "Damn, that's crazy."
Wife: "I'm bout to complain on this motherfucker. See if I can't get my money back AND a replacement meal."
I signaled for him to mute it.
Me: "Oh shit... I ain't account for her complaining about this shit!"
Homie: "What do we do?"
Me: "We gotta let it play out, bro!"
He returns to the call...
Homie: "Let me know what shakes, I'll be back shortly."
I returned to a familiar theme...
Me: "Man, did you SPEAK to your wife before you 'went in to the office' or did you just come to me for the crashout assistance program?"
Homie: "I was too mad to even think. I saw red and just left the house immediately."
Me: "Either your wife deserves a Tony award for her ability to play this shit cool or there is a fully benevolent explanation to that shit."
Homie: "There can't be a benevolent explanation to a positive pregnancy when one spouse is surgically sterile."
Me: "Suit yourself."
Homie: "Now what."
Me: "Well for phase two, I guess we crash the fuck--..."
His phone rang again...
Homie: "Hello?"
Wife: "This is just weird "
Homie: "What's that?"
Wife: "I open the app to complain and the driver was right down the block with the order. I met him in the driveway and he apologized for the delay; said someone had come in before him and stolen the order. Says it happens often."
Homie: "That's WILD... So someone stole the order, ate the skin off the thighs and delivered it anyway. Who you been fuckin?"
Wife: "Heheh. How far out are you?"
Homie: "Maybe about 20 or so"
Wife: "Okay, see you when you get here."
And with that, they ended the call.
Me: "Slow down, Icarus. That 'who you fuckin' like to got you burned."
Homie: "She laughed it off. So... You were saying? What's next?"
Me: "Let's go get your car."
Homie: "Why?"
Me: "Because your ass is going home to talk to your wife. Got me out here about to commit felonies and shit. Look at me, I'm too beautiful for prison!"
Homie: "Aight fine."
We quickly swung back to my house and then I followed him home to confront his wife with me playing intermediary to ensure no one goes to Sycamore Street tonight.
We pull in the driveway and get parked, first thing I say is "who car is that over there?" to which he replies "oh, just her best friend, she be here like all the time."
Inside the house, we find his wife and her best friend huddled over the desktop with Pinterest open in the visible tab and several other baby-related shit on like six others.
I knew EXACTLY what was happening, homie just kinda looked like he had shit his pants as HE realized it as his wife turned around and exclaimed "we're gonna be god-parents, [bestie] is pregnant!"
Despite being about a half-shade darker than me, his face goes white as a ghost as he plays back all the hellfire and pestilence he was prepared to rain down on his household upon finding it was all for nothing.
Meanwhile, I was just glad I advocated for a conversation BEFORE crashing out, because now at least he can clam up about the KFC and take that to his grave and all will be fine, so long as he shuts the hell up about it.
As for me, I excused myself back to the house to enjoy what remained of my day off before Wife Person™ comes home.
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