True Story©... Break A Wish Foundation





    I've been away for a few weeks.
No it was not planned.
No I will not be explaining publicly, if you know you know.

    While on the shelf, I had a lot of time to think about my next moves. I mean, I was only off work one week, plus one day each for the holidays, but this also coincides with the slow season at work so yeah... a lot of time. Sometimes during the day, I'll have the TV on ESPN for noise until "noise" includes a certain blowhard whose name I will not--... Screamin' A Smith. I change the channel when I hear his voice.
Anyway... ESPN. They partner with the Make-A-Wish Foundation and apparently John Cena to make sick kids dreams come true and then put it on TV to let sponsors and advertisers foot the bill while they write it off on their own taxes. Wild, but wholly American.

    So I has this idea... If you think I'mma fake an illness or borrow a kid to fake an illness in order to get a chance to be in the same room as some of them fine-ass women on ESPN in the mornings, you're not using all of your brains. My plan is way deeper and much more wholesome.

    First thing I did is I went to the Make-A-Wish website and saved the source code for every page on it. I created my own website using one inconspicuous Cyrillic letter in the URL and then I modified the code on the website I had "borrowed" and I made a perfect spoof website. Only users savvy as myself or professionals could sniff it out easily.
Why would I do such a thing? Thank you for asking!

    For years, y'all have asked me to use these powers for good and the fact remains that THAT just ain't as fun as how I have been applying them thus far. As I embark on my redemption arc, I aim to meet in the middle.
So what did I do? Well first, I perused the "sick kid" subsection of GoFundMe and gleaned contact information from each one. With that in hand, I crafted an email blast explaining the existence of the foundation with some YouTube links to kids who actually got their wishes granted. It looked official because me and typos are not acquaintances.

    What y'all don't know, however, is that about a representative half of the fundraisers on there are grifts, set up to tug at our collective heart strings and separate us from our hard earned funds. With that fact top of mind, THOSE are the respondents whose attention I wanted. I'd like to imagine that families with legit sick kids know that M-A-W ain't reaching out to THEM, but people who are just looking for a check haven't thought that far into it.
[Phlip note: and NOW you see I'm using those powers for good]

    It took almost no time for me to start getting responses.
One family was QUICK with the "my son always wanted to meet LeBron James but when he got sick we only really leave the house to go to doctor's appointments. I have lost my job and my husband and struggling to keep things together on his income..."
The problem is that they provided me with an email and phone number, which I then used to sniff out their personal BookFace and IG accounts and what I found was a woman who never met a new wig she didn't like. A woman whose every third picture was from a bar or club and a dude who was apparently very proud of his Dodge Heck Cat. If the kid even *was* sick, evidence of struggle was not found.

    I responded to the couple with some vague promises of help while never actually promising a damned thing for them. I scraped together a few bucks for a room under a fake ID at an airport hotel with them THINKING they were taking their son to meet his idol. This was to be a surprise to the kid. They would, in theory, go out to a nice dinner and then the flight out would be the beginning of the big one.
'cept ain't no big one..

    I isolated the kid and wife from the husband by sending them out for dessert while we "handled last details" with the menfolk.
Once the woman and kid were off, I had my chance.


Me: "Your kid ain't sick"
Him: "Man, that's FUCKED up, my son got--..."
Me: "... he got a pretty nifty handle, I saw the video you posted of his last basketball game"
Him: "Oh shit"
Me: "And that's a nice Mopar you got... Demon?"
Him: "Redeye, but look man--..."
Me: "... I get it, I get it. That unemployed woman downstairs is bleeding you dry and getting your son to a Lakers game for a CHANCE to met Bron but probably not was a tall ask, so you turned to the ones who could make it happen."
Him: "Yeah, so you do get it?"
Me: "I get there are people whose kids ARE going to die of their illnesses and one last wish would make it at least feel somewhat okay on the way, and you inserted your selfish wants ahead of that. I get THAT."
Him: "So what're we doing here."
Me: "Call your wife and stall her out an hour"
Him: "WHAT?!!?"
Me: "Buy me an hour or your son and social media followers at large will know for sure what you've been doing before the sun comes up"

He calls his wife and makes up some shit about something he left at home. She will have to go and get it after dessert before coming back.

Me: "Good... You ever had a colonoscopy?"
Him: "I'm only 39, so not yet"
Me: "Well this will be fun"
Him: "YOU AIN'T GOIN UP MY ASS, MAN!!!"
Me: "And I'm not, either... The 'fun' part is the preparation for the procedure. You have 90 minutes to drink a quart of this liquid that turns you into a liquid shit volcano about halfway through."
Him: "Uh..."
Me: "It's best you're never further than 20 feet from a bathroom and have on as little clothing as possible for a while."
Him: "Why do you KNOW this?"
Me: "I had my colonoscopy on the 18th. The prep was absolute hell, but they give you propofol for the procedure and that is DIVINE. Anyways... 2 hours after that first 90 minutes, you gotta drink another one. You cannot sleep or trust a fart all night.  Or for the next day or two for that matter."
Him: "Why are you doing this?"
Me: "I call it The Shittening. The benefit is that you'll lose about three to five pounds tonight alone."
Him: "But why are you doing it!?"
Me: "Silly man, didn't you hear me tell you that you were a scammer? Well now you gotta suffer for your sins. Now drink up, both of em now. Wifey will be back in a hour."
Him: "No"
Me: "'no' is not what I came here for, not an option."
Him: "You can't make me, and I bet you can't beat me"
Me: "We could fight and destroy this hotel room and who knows who wins, but I know we both go to jail that way."
Him: "Seems to me like we stuck here, cause I ain't drinking that."
Me: "But you are, lest you'll post a video of carefully pieced-together parts of this conversation to your Facebook feed in about a minute."

He went reaching for his phone.

Me: "You put this down after you called your wife. You really should lock your shit if you doing shady dealings."

I showed him the recorded video.

Me: "Drink, I'll hit delete when the containers are empty and not moment before... Tick tock, wifey's on the clock"
Him: "How I explain this to her?"
Me: "Also not my problem."

    Without further stall, he slammed down the first bottle in two attempts and sat down. I kind of twiddled my thumbs for a minute or six before I heard the literal grumblings of his stomach.

Me: "Get near that bathroom, junior"

    He rushed out of the room and it sounded like a horror movie. If I didn't have a strong stomach, I'd feel sorry for housekeeping.
He comes out of the bathroom looking defeated and scared of what had just escaped him. I motioned to the second bottle.


Me: "One more... She'll be back sooner than you know it and I need to get home to my dogs."

    He inhales and sighs before sitting down and doing the two-chug thing again before looking at me with the "are you pleased now?" face. I deleted the video, opened the deleted items folder and cleared that too.

Me: "Aight, homie... I'mma get on up outta here. Call the desk and ask them for more TP."

    I put his phone down and walked out the door. As I moved toward the elevators, I heard "OH GOD!!!" from his room.
I'd feel bad for what his wife was returning to if she hadn't been complicit in all of this. When I got home, their GoFundMe was still up, but both of their social media accounts had been made private as fuck. I figured they had suffered enough, karma would deal with them and the GoFundMe thing.


So yeah... Using my powers for good...
The world will have to meet me somewhere in the middle.

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