True Story©… Vengeance is Mine!

 


     Man, I promised Santa Claus

     Is there anything more infuriating than being quite clear and succinct with someone, only to have them continue to respond to what they had in their minds that you would say and not what you actually did?

     We closed on and moved into this house on October 20rd and 23th in 2021 respectively.  The in-between days involved some fuckery on the part of the seller’s agent that I will not rehash at this point.  As a good most of you know, 2021 was a WILD time in real estate in the middle of the Covid era and I happened to get lucky in making more than I expected on my old house and spending less than expected on the new one.
One element of the above-mentioned agent is how she didn’t fully do her follow-through when it related to removing the damned listing when it closed.

     Again, 2021 Covid-Era real estate had large companies cold calling home owners and making cash offers for slightly less – and then INCREDIBLY more – than they may get on the market with intentions of making it all back by jacking the price up in rent on the other side of the deal.  I continued to get those cold calls about my old house for about six to nine months after selling, I expected that to happen.  What I DIDN’T expect, though, was once public record showed me as the owner of this house that calls would start to come in about it.  They continued clear through 2022 and into this year even.

     Due to some otherwise-undiscussed issues, I am currently in a position where I HAVE to answer my phone even when it is a number I don’t know.
Naturally, at random, the phone rings…

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Good morning, Mr. [redacted], I’m calling from [company] about the property you own at [address]?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s me.”

Caller: “We see it went up on the market in 2021, but the listing expired.  Why do you think that is?”

Me: “Because I bought the house?”

Caller: “Well what if I told you that my company would be willing to make an all-cash offer for your property?  No agents involved.”

Me: “Oh, I’d decline.”

Caller: “Are you not looking to sell anymore?”

Me: “Never was.”

Caller: “But it was on the market for quite a while?”

Me: “You’re not listening to me.  Good bye.”

     And I hung up the phone.  Y’see…  Not only was the agent full of shit, she didn’t properly mark in the Multiple Listing Service that the house had SOLD, but instead just let the listing expire.  Again, when public record had me as the owner now, I am the one who gets the call as the current possibly desperate owner of what appeared to be an unsold property.
I would get this call about once a week and since they were very much apparently reading from a script, I had my above lines practiced and natural.

     …  until the day I’d had enough…
The phone rings

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Good morning, Mr. [redacted], I’m calling from [company] about the property you own at [address]?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s me.”

Caller: “We see it went up on the market in 2021, but the listing expired.  Why do you think that is?”

Me: “Because I bought the house?”

Caller: “Well what if I told you that my company would be willing to make an all-cash offer for your property?  No agents involved.”

Me: “Oh, I’d decline.”

Caller: “Are you not looking to sell anymore?”

Me: “Never was.”

Caller: “But it was on the market for quite a while?”

Me: “What’s your name, bro?”

Caller: “It’s Calvin.”

Me: “And you’re the one I’ll be dealing with through this process?”

Calvin (excitedly): “Yes sir!”

Me: “Aight well listen.  I will have you meet me at my bando another one of my properties and we can discuss the specifics.”

Calvin: “Sure thing, what’s the address?”

Me: “It’s [address], meet me there at 12:15 next Thursday.”

Calvin: “Will do, thanks!”

     I didn’t say “bando” out loud, but my last foray into real estate taught me that I should establish one for--…  umm…  “situations.”
If I learned nothing from Chris Partlow and Snoop Pearson on The Wire, I learned that when you set up an opp, you get there an hour early to survey the area and see what the lick read.

     Next Thursday arrives…  I took the day off and spent the morning gathering supplies after dropping my little off at school and headed on over to the bando.  I parked down the block, opened the back gate and waited until I heard activity in the front.
12:10, Calvin is knocking on the door and calling out because let us not forget that this house LOOKS empty.  Quietly, I came out of the back gate, rushed him and put a bag over his head before dragging him in and tying him to a chair.  THEN I removed the bag.

Me: “Good afternoon, sir…  Thank you for coming.”

Calvin: “W-what is this?”

Me: “I like to call this ‘once reformed supervillain reaches the end of his rope’.”

Calvin: “Huh?”

Me: “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t listen.”

Calvin: “Tell me what?”

Me: “Think about it, Calvin…  You asked me if I was selling a house and I told you no, that I BOUGHT the house.”

Calvin: “B-but--…”

Me: “But you kept asking questions as if you were reading from a script.”

Calvin: “I was reading from a script, they make us!”

Me: “Well today that hopefully ends.”

Calvin: “Please don’t kill me!”

Me: “No killing, I don’t like getting rid of bodies,”

Calvin: “Well can I go if I promise not to--…”

Me: “YOU’LL GO WHEN I SAY YOU CAN GO!!!!”

Calvin: “Sorry”

Me: “How old are you, Calvin?”

Calvin: “I’m 33”

Me: “Anybody gon’ come looking for you?”

Calvin: “No, no one knows I’m here.”

Me: “Good, because you surely won’t wanna help me get rid of any bodies in your condition.”

Calvin: “My ‘condition’?”

Me: “A little thing I like to call ‘The Shittening’.  You ever had a colonoscopy, Calvin?”

Calvin: “I’m only 33…  No sir.”

     I mentioned “supplies,” didn’t I?
Earlier in the day, I went to the grocery store and got some sugar free Jell-O and bone broth, then to Walgreens for a liquid laxative and some shit called Golytely.  Interestingly enough, that last product's instructs you to take it every 15 minutes even if you’re already on the toilet.  All of this is SUPPOSED to be in prep for a colonoscopy, but our buddy Calvin here wasn’t having one of those and by the rules of The Shittening, I wouldn’t be allowing him to the bathroom either.

Me: “You hungry?”

Calvin: “Yes…”

Me: “I’m going to untie your hands, but not your feet.  As you notice, I’ve sat you in a tall kitchen chair, so if you try to finagle your way out of this and lose teeth that’s on you!”

Calvin: “I won’t.”

Me: “When you’re done, drink this.”

     I handed him a cocktail containing the laxative mix and the diarrhea catalyst.
I then had a seat in the corner and fiddled with my phone.  Ten minutes pass.  Fifteen…  Thirty

Calvin: “I need to use the bathroom.”

Me: “Oh, I know…”

Calvin: “No, I don’t think you understand, whatever it was you gave me… My--…”

Me: “Your stomach sounds like the mating call of a California sea lion and I can hear it from 20ft away.  I know.”

Calvin: “But I’m gonna--…”

Me: “What did you think ‘The Shittening’ consists of, Calvin?  Shut up!”

Calvin: “Why are you doing this?”

Me: “Because I value my time.”

Calvin: “But what did I do to you?”

Me: “You directly?  Probably nothing!  You were just doing a job.”

Calvin: “So you see where this is wrong?”

Me: “Of course!  I’m also kinda ignorant.”

Calvin: “What the fuck…”

Me: “So whenever I decide I can’t take the smell and I cut you loose, you will go and tell them what happened to you here today.”

Calvin: “But--…”

Me: “Oh, what you will NOT do is say so in a manner that draws the attention of John Q Law, less’n of course you want to experience ‘The Shittening, a Group Effort’ next time.”

Calvin: “Wow”

Me: “Right!?”

Calvin: “Look, I ain’t gonna be able to hold this much longer.”

Me: “I told you I know, you don’t have to keep warning me.  You’re probably gonna lose about ten pounds in here today.  I gave you enough to clear out a large horse, let alone a small man.”

Calvin: “You bastard!”

Me: “Sometimes supervillainy can get ugly.  I will excuse your frustration.”

     Poor kid couldn’t hold it anymore…  I left the room and the house.  I swear I hope he burned those khakis.  I will find a new bando.

     It has been six months since I conducted this experiment and NOT ONE TIME since has one of those calls offering to buy my house come from a local number.
I will say The Shittening was either a success, or all I had to was to wait it out.  Either way, I’m up!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

True Story©… The M-O-Equalizer

Loyalty

True Story©… A Street of Bourbon