True Story©... Watch it Burn, Then!

 

"Moe,

    I'm a single guy... Wait, let me back up a second. I'm 27, college educated with a decent job in my major, work out four times a week, 6'1" and I'd like to think I'm a good looking guy.

All that said, I'm still single. It hasn't been for lack of trying, of course. I've done the dating apps, I've shot my shot on social media, I've tried my hand at singles events, I've played the bars and as much as I might WANT to I have avoided creeping up my gym. I mean, I would like to think my desires are reasonable; a black woman with no kids (I want mine and hers to be out respective first), match my commitment to fitness and willingness to work into my financial goals for the future as a teammate. I don't know that if this is exactly your wheelhouse but I'm running out of ideas.

Please help."

    Well shit, we just all gas and no brakes this week, huh?
Homie left me his phone number in the signature line of his message, so I think I'mma call him and see what we can make shake...

Him: "Hello?"

Me: "This Dexter?"

Him: "Yeah, is this Moe?"

Me: "Indeed... This is not normally what I do, but I figure we can either common sense this shit together or we can make this as fun as possible on the way down"

Dexter: "Huh?"

Me: "Nothing... So what's the issue, like what is the major hangup to finding your person."

Dexter: "It's me being in that little box that women say they want despite not yet encountering the ones in mine."

Me: "As a 5'8" man, I can confidently say that I have NO clue what that feels like. So like, what's the problem?"

Dexter: "Social media."

Me: "Luuucyyy... S'plain."

Dexter: "I can find a woman who is in shape. I can find a woman without kids. I can find a woman willing to work and build with me instead of coming along for the ride... Not yet have I encountered in my spaces all three of these in the same woman to my liking."

Me: "Yikes"

Dexter: "Right, and it is to the point that the most outwardly available are so rigid in what they demand, it's almost as if they're scamming or something."

Me: "Let's talk about that"

Dexter: "Why?"

Me: "Because I've seen the vids on Facebook and YouTube, the ones that others see on TikTok which I still refuse to use. 'Begging' and 'dating' have become the same thing. My faith in modern dating ends with the fact that the next generation is cooked."

Dexter: "Ouch... So what'll we do?"

Me: "Bust out the ol' notepad, lemme run down EXACTLY your instructions for a few inevitable situations."

Dexter: "Okay... Shoot!"

    I reeled off my instructions, I heard him typing away furiously on his laptop, not even stopping to ask me to slow down or repeat anything...

Me: "Damn bro...  I'm well aware that I talk fast, you a court stenographer in your off time or some shit?"

Dexter: "Nah, just well practiced."

Once he had his instructions on how to carry basically whatever might be directed his way I told him to call or message me back with what he found or with the fallout.


    It was approximately three weeks before he called me back...

Me: "Dexter... Whaddyaknow good?"

Dexter: "Sir, I don't know if I should call you an evil genius or a friggin almost-criminal mastermind."

Me: "Either is fine, unless it's Detective Ramsbottom asking"

Dexter: "What?"

Me: "Nothing... Nevermind. So what happened?"

Dexter: "You prepped me for five situations, right?"

Me: "mmhmm..."

Dexter: "I've used three."

Me: "well shit, let me get my coffee and prepare to hear this."

Dexter: "So I strike up a conversation with this one girl in the DM. We do the back-and-forth thing for a couple days before I ask if we can exchange phone numbers."

Me: "Oh shit"

Dexter: "'oh shit' is right... You know this woman had the nerve to--..."

Me: "--... straight up ask you to cashapp her BEFORE acquiring her number"

Dexter: "Literally sent me her cashapp instead of her number in that very next message."

Me: "and you--..."

Dexter: "I used it to REQUEST $300 from her and then blocked her from DM'ing me."

Me: "THAT'S THE MANEUVER, MY BOY!!!"

Dexter: "It honestly felt pretty good to do it."

Me: "As it should. So what was next?"

Dexter: "I actually secured a date! Thought shit was going beautiful."

Me: "... yet here we are..."

Dexter: "So we set a date and time. She chose to drive and meet me instead of me picking up, understandable. I get to the restaurant and there's another girl sitting with her, two empty drinks each already on the table with them. Said some ol shit about 'I hope you don't mind but my roommate wanted to come along'."

Me: "Please tell me you--..."

Dexter: "--... didn't even sit down. I hope they brought money to pay for the drinks, I just turned on my heels and walked out. No negotiation, no conversation, just walked back to my car and went home. She tried to call me twice while I was driving but I blocked her when I got to my driveway."

Me: "And now there's one more?"

Dexter: "Yep... This one never made it to an actual date. This one had a kid, but on the afternoon of the date, hammering out the details she dry-asked, explaining that she needed to pay a babysitter for the evening and would LIKE to get her nails freshened up before being seen outside. I picked up the cues and asked for her cashapp."

Me: "There's still time for redemption in this story..."

Dexter: "I proceeded to send her $5, then blocked her phone number before she could come back telling me that isn't enough, then I waited 23 minutes and reported her to cashapp as a scammer."

Me: "Dia-fuckin-bolical"

Dexter: "Sure, it cost me 5 bucks but I'm doing pretty good for myself and I've wasted more than that on worse things before."

Me: "And what have we learned?"

Dexter: "That dating in 2025 can be as 'cooked' as it wants to be. I'll be fine with participating as far as it takes to simply entertain myself like this if can't find a reason to take this shit seriously. I guess I should thank you for planting the seeds of creativity to keep this ball rolling."

Me: "Good shit...  You know this paints you as the villain in three womens' stories, right?"

Dexter: "What'd Redman say?"

Me: "hmm?"

Dexter: "I'll be dat"

Me: "You a little young to know about that, but you're alright with me, man!"

    My takeaway from this is multifaceted..
a - I'm glad I met my now-wife before TikTok started infesting the populace with single women keeping single women single.
2 - If I HADN'T and I'd made it to 2025 still single, then I'd just get a couple more dogs.
iii - God, I love my Wife Person™.