True Story©... Guess Who's Coming to... What, Exactly?

 

    Okay, so I'm chilling in the house on a random-ass Wednesday morning with the Baby Bird™.
It should be noted that "chilling in the house" means I am on the clock, whereas being "at home" would have meant I was on the couch, in my bed or in the garage. Also, Baby Bird™ is my new nickname for my grandlittle as she physically outgrows Tiny Little™.

Anyway, chilling in the house with an infant.
The phone rings...

Me: "Hello?"

Caller: "Hey Phillip, it's Chris."

Me: "Whatup Chris? You usually just text!"

[Phlip note: Chris is the guy who bought my old house, he texts me to come grab straggling mail items when they happen to show. The house is right on my daily travels and is only 8 minutes from my new place]

Chris: "Yeah, it's not mail this time. You got a visitor."

Me: "A--... visitor? No one even visited me when I LIVED there! It ain't the cops is it?"

Chris: "No, he is insistent that I am joshing him when I tell him I bought the house in 2021, swears you hated moving and never would and won't leave until I prove it to him."

Me: "What the what?"

Chris: "Says his name is--..."

Me: "... fuckin Marlon!"

Chris: "So you know him?"

Me: "Put the phone on speaker"

Chris: "Got it"

Me: "Marl, get off this man's fuckin property before he calls the police!"

Chris: "I never said I would--..."

Me: "... chill, Chris. Marlon, my number has been the same for 22 damned years and you KNOW to call before pulling up because I don't wear pants at home. What the hell are you doing?"

Marlon: "I had lost my phone and couldn't afford to replace it and pay the bill when I lost my job so I had to get a new number."

Me: "Ugh... But you got one now? Chris, give him my number and get him off your porch. I apologize for my jackass friend."

    With that, the call ended. I gritted my teeth and waited for my phone to ring again from an unknown number, praying it wasn't one of the constant spammers who keep ringing my shit. 20 minutes later, the call comes...

Me: "Hello?"

Marlon: "Phlipper!!!"

Me: "If you ever again in your life harass a man who works third shift and his two toddlers in the daytime on my behalf, I'mma fuck you up myself."

Marlon: "My bad, man. Where you at now?"

Me: "Southside, but you can't come through right now."

Marlon: "Why not?"

Me: "I'm HIGHLY guarded when it comes to my grandba--..."

Marlon: "GRAND?!!?  N**ga, you OLD!"

Me: "... grandbaby, anyone who gets too close or touches her runs a risk of advancing to Sky Daddy's waiting room."

Marlon: "Damn, wow."

Me: "My son in law will be here about four, the address is [redacted]... If you show before the baby leaves, remember, 'Sky Daddy' and I don't play about this little baby."

Marlon: "Yessir."

    I hopped off the phone and finished my work day before my son in law came and got the baby about 30 minutes earlier than expected. Marvin dropped in promptly at 4:02pm... This gives me an hour to give him the tour of the house, introduce him to the dogs and get him on to wherever he has to go before Wife Person™ arrives to kill us both.

Marlon: "Nice place, definitely an upgr--... SHIT that's a big-ass dog!"

Me: "Don't mind ol Yeti, he is the friendliest of the bunch."

Marlon: "I'll take your word for it, cause I'on know."

Me: "My six month old granddaughter just left and he has been out and around her all day. You can come in the house or you can get in that car and leave, but he lives here."

Marlon: "Aight man."

    He warily ventures into the door and Yeti responds to my "down" command and finger snap, sitting between us but confidently looking back and forth for further instructions.

Marlon: "Damn, you got him trained! How old is he?"

Me: "All it takes is consistency. He's three, literally born the day after we closed on the house."

Marlon: "Cool, cool, you ev--..."

Me: "Marlon, we haven't spoken in years. You know I'm a low maintenance friend, but you also know I don't do small talk, what is it?"

Marlon: "You still making beats and shit?"

Me: "I have my equipment, but haven't had software or desire over the course of three computers. Why do you ask?"

Marlon: "Well while I was unemployed, I tried to start this lil record label."

Me: "mmhmm..."

Marlon: "I been working with this dude who calls himself Bigg Sperg, claims to be the 'first ever fully retarded rapper'."

Me: "Part of me wants to tell you he ain't the first, but a more important part of me needs to tell you that you CANNOT be thinking shit like that out loud."

Marlon: "Whatchu mean?"

Me: "Marvin, pull out your phone and Google 'sperg' real quick."

He reaches in his pocket and does as instructed...

Marlon: "hah... hahaha... HAHAHAHA!!!"

Me: "Marvin, get off urban dictionary, this shit gon get both your dumb asses canceled!"

Marlon: "So what do we do?"

Me: "I'mma tell you -- and by extension, him -- something I told another rapper a while ago..."

Marlon: "... and what's that?"

Me: "You WANT to rap...

... but you NEED to learn to weld."

Marlon: "But you ain't e'em heard him yet?"

Me: "And as the self-described 'first fully retarded rapper' I don't want to!"

Marlon: "I get it."

Me: "Covid brought us a bunch of 'entrepreneurs' with no businesses and 'record labels' with no talent, thanks to them Stimmy checks and PPP scams. That shit is winding down now, you gon need an onlyfans or a real job soon bro."

Marlon: "Ouch."

Me: "Pragmatism hurts sometimes, no?"

Marlon: "I understand... So what's the play for tonight bro? Let's paint the city white like old times!"

Me: "Sir, I'm married and sober... I'm about to cook dinner and you about to roll on before my spouse arrives and murders us both for having company in a less than 'company-clean' house, unless you wanna help me clean up this whole shit in 20 minutes."

    He got the hint. We made sure to link up sometime in the near future and to keep at least text contact, as I do with most of my friends even if we aren't face-to-face.

    Y'know?  Maybe ol Marlon was right, and I HAVE gotten old.  A former version of me would have taken him up on the shenanigous dipshittery outside.  It would have been WILDLY expensive and uncannily immature.  I would have come home and made a further mess of trying to make things normal.  Nowadays, however, it seems I have been softened by grandparenthood and now I have to apply myself to a new brand of shenanigans...

Stay tuned!