The musings of a madman...

       I don’t bother anybody. I drive a 2013 Subaru and live in a 1300 square foot house. I don’t have any flashy items and don’t spend money I don’t have on extraneous bullshit.      Why, then, was I--… WAIT      This all starts back in late September/early October.   Wife person had taken a shine to USING the thousands of dollars (I see the shipments, woman!) of essential oils that she had been collecting like Infinity Stones on aromatherapy products.   Bracelets, diffuser blends, etc…   Nothing terribly out of sorts, and she was clearing her money spent so I had nothing to worry with.   She was back in her office and quiet.      If anyone knows the “Phlip’s wife has a new hobby” dynamic, they know that once her obsession grows, Phlip doesn’t get to sit down.   Like ever . So now it is October 17 th , a Saturday.   I cooked chicken wings and got drunk, she raided the kitchen cabinets and went to her office to create.   I wake up Sunday morning.   I should have known so

       I’m a pretty unmistakable guy.   Even in public in a mask, people can usually tell who I am from sight distance.   My walk, my watch, my hair – even my beard poking out the sides and bottom of the mask.   Add the whimsy of the mask itself and people tend to recognize me when they see me out. Even when I wish I had been able to hide from them.      After the Rona scare where I was miraculously the only one who didn’t get it, we came to the family decision that of anyone was to venture out for sundries, I would be sacrificed the one to do it.   Still no wanton browsing, digging around in the mall for bullshit and my Hot Wheels searching field trips are usually baked into Wal Mart and Dollar General runs. This story isn’t directly about that…      Recently, on one of those early-morning – I had to learn to go to the grocery store at 7am when y’all started wilding over fucking toilet paper in April – runs to Food Lion down near the house for coffee creamer and toilet paper (

       For someone who really doesn’t like human beings very much, I sure do know a whole damn lot of people.   Or people know what I look like, I should say…      Respondent to my company’s generous leave time allowances and given the time none of us were able to take off last year, they also extended the rollover policy to allow us to not lose hours this year.   The problem behind that is now I have another year with the Rona to try and figure out how to burn like 39 paid days off working instead of 31 while still not really leaving the house.   This while also navigating 50/50 custody of my child and absolutely needing to be in this house while school is in session. Needless to say, I don’t get out much.   But I do take a lot of Mondays and/or Fridays off in order to enjoy three-day weekends and engage in my good ol shenanigous dipshittery.      One such instance, I decided among myselves that I would test a theory and see if hitchhiking was still a thing in 2021, especially d

     I don’t know if y’all noticed, but I been away since Christmas Eve.  Consistent output every Thursday morning at 7:30am with the exception of a reset week I took in October. One could assign my disappearance to it being SATURDAY before I noticed that last Thursday was Thursday.  That would be too easy an explanation though.      In fact, that would be too convenient an explanation in a world where the randomest of shit happens to me every few damned days or so. …  so it is the Sunday after Christmas.  I dropped my daughter off with her mother for the week.  I get a phone call, and y’all know I hate those with the burning passion that Mitch McConnell has for poor people. Me: “Uhh…  Hello?” Caller: “Gat-DAYUM, n**ga, don’t act so surprised to hear from me!” Me: “It’s just that your calls usually precede an adventure.” Marlon: “I know man, I’m legit sorry for that.” Me: “Wait, what was that?” Marlon: “What was what?” Me: “What did you just say.” Marlon: “C’mon, m

  'Twas two nights before Kwanzaa, and down in the trap The cook house was jumping, that’s real shit no cap   The shotgun was set by the bedside with care In case somebody thought I might be scared   The children were nestled all snug in their beds While daddy was bugging mom, for just a little head   Mom in her bonnet and dad his durag Won’t mess up your hair, we got this in the bag   Out on the driveway arose such a clatter, I grabbed the twelve gauge to see what was the matter   Away to the window like Malcolm I posed Careful, prepared to put lead in these thieving hoes   The moon started to shine on the still-falling snow Gave a shine to just like daylight on everything below   When what the fuck to my eyes appear? But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer   With a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.   Faster than my pitbulls, how quickly they came they came And then he whistled, and shouted, and shouted their names   "Now,  H

       For someone whose lifestyle is prone to misadventures that the two of you come here every Thursday to enjoy, it only stands to reason that I live in a constant existential fear that some small-at-the-time bullshit that I did months – YEARS – ago will one day come back and bite me on the ass. Wait… Y’all remember the time I tried to make a movie? What about now ? Welcome back.      So last week Tuesday or Wednesday, I am pretty sure it was Tuesday. I was walking Thunder on my lunch break during a commercial break while Judge Jerry was on.  A car comfortably comes to a stop in front of my house, in stark contrast to the screeching halt I normally witness when I am about to be accosted.  A midget little person climbs down and toddles over to me.  I stop him as he gets inside of about leash distance but still not close enough to touch my dog, “I’m isolating from close contact with SIX people who tested positive last week, might want to stop there.” and his approached stopped