True Story©... Never Have I Ever


    I am not a “people” person…
Don’t take that to mean I am some hermit who has ZERO friends or acquaintances camped out in his mom’s basement criticizing women he has no chance with because “her eyes are too far apart,” I am just VERY guarded with the people I will fuck with.
There are a PRECIOUS few people who can invite me outside of my house and expect me to be in attendance. I am far more likely to have them over here, frankly.

… I was invited to a house party…

Homie: “What’s good Phlip, you straight?”

Me: “I’m good, man. What’s up?”

Homie: “The weather is right, we pulling out the tents and firing the grills this weekend.”

Me: “Say less…”

Homie: “So you in?”

Me: “Without question… What I need to bring?”

Homie: “Beverage, if anything.”

Me: “Your wife still drink [__]”

Homie: “You know us well.”

Me: “On it.”

Homie: “What about you? What we on this trip?”

Me: “I’m doing the sobriety thing.”

Homie: “Oh yeah… You gon’ be alright around it?”

Me: “GOOD-good… You’ve met my family, I am un-triggerable. I’ll be straight.”

[Phlip note: I LOVE how people in my corner are respecting the boundaries I’ve constructed]

Homie: “Whew, we’ll see you Saturday.”

Me: “Bet that.”

    Saturday rolls around and Wife Person™ chooses to sit this one out, electing to log in and make some money while she could be home with a quiet house, free of me and my silly-assed interruptions. Knowing I won’t need a DD allows that kind of security, I guess.
I swing by the ABC store and grab the bottle and head on over. I arrive to the normal cast of characters who are too numerous and more worthy of shielding than to name here. As it were, most everyone in attendance had met or somehow brushed shoulders somewhere in the past so names were known and introductions unnecessary.

    In EVERY circle, there is that one individual who will periodically (read: FREQUENTLY) find themselves dating someone new. In this particular circle, she is almost always the last entrant into a gathering and we KNOW her new dude is coming with.
When they came in, I was sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of water just kind of holding court when the homie comes in the room in the middle of a series of introductions…

Homie: “… and this is Phillip, we call him ‘Phlip’”

[Phlip note: pronounced “Flip”]

Me: “Whatup bruh.”

They moved along to introduce New Guy™ to the rest of the party and I continued the catch-up with the out-of-towners I hadn’t seen in a minute.

    The remainder of the party went along as if it could have been scripted. The ladies gathered inside in the living room, children went upstairs and the men outside with our normal shit-talk.
I will not bore you with the specific details of the discussion, but I will say that New Guy™ was not exactly likable… Look, I understand being socially awkward in the presence of people you don’t yet know and being weird on where to interject yourself into a conversation, but this dude was on some next-level unearned alpha shit.

We talk about music… He needed to talk about who he knows and has been around.
We talk about sneakers, he has to talk about how much he overpaid or what hard-to-find pair he just happened upon.
We’re all married or to-be-married men, so that section of the shop is closed when the women are realistically in earshot, but he seemed to miss the memo, discussing his conquests.

EVERYTHING was to one-up the man who spoke directly before him, sometimes even butting in to do so.

    What I saw was a man who was desperate to dominate a group of men who didn’t know him and probably wouldn’t see him again after this night. Matter of fact, I made it my mission to make sure we didn’t.
I should mention that the alcohol and edibles are going around this party and I am the ONLY one not partaking in anything at all, so I am seeing this shit with a CRYSTAL clear mind.

    The women come outside when the weather has mildened a little and someone decides to play a drinking game Never Have I Ever. They run in and come back out with a bottle each of tequila, vodka, and bourbon and sit a shot glass in front of everyone.

Homie: “Nah, nah… Not Phlip, we gotta respect that.”

Me: “All good… I’mma spectate, because shots of water is silly.”

So it's decided… Everyone who can stomach a shot of whatever is on the table will play and I will be on the sideline.
The problem with me spectating ANYTHING has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up watching MST3K…   Like, I am sitting here and understand I am SUPPOSED to be shutting the fuck up if I ain’t playing but I do NOT know how to do that quietly. Add that to the fact that I have now placed an imaginary target on New Guy™ and I think I have my moment. Anytime we get to a Never Have I Ever and New Guy™ is the only one to take a shot, or like only when the women do, I am prepared with a snarky side-comment. Everyone will laugh at him and hurt his little feelings. Everyone in attendance but him know already that I am a MASTER shit talker and really never mean shit by it, but again, “New Guy™

    My needling lasted LITERALLY three rounds before he turns to me following one question where only he takes the shot and I say “No Diddy… ain’t no damn way, I would never” just loud enough for it to feel like I hadn't meant to say it out loud and EVERYONE – man and woman – laughed.

New Guy: "Whatchu want a fuckin cookie or somethin'?"

Me: "Actually, yes, I would love that"

New Guy: "... cause I'm sayin', you always got a smart ass answer and--..."

Me: "... I ain't never seen cookies fornicating before, I'm morbidly curious as to what that would look like!"

New Guy: "Wait, WHAT!?"

Me: "Be like 'gaaaaawdam... them cookies is FUCKIN!'"

New Guy: "What are you even TALKING about?"

Me: "That would be kinda wild, cookies getting their smash on, just all out in the open at your specific request"

New Guy: "DUDE!!!"

Me: "Y-you... You kinda like a sorcerer, man."

New Guy: "Please stop"

Me: "Hol'up, lemme get my phone out and you conjure up some fuckin' cookies and put that shit on Tiktok. We'll be rich by Tuesday"

New Guy: "I think I hate you"

By now, EVERYONE is laughing because they know I ain’t gon let up… I will keep tapdancing on his nerves now that I know I am there until he quits or I get too drunk to continue, but – sobriety

    The night winds down and we help to clean up the mess like responsible 40-somethings and head out into our different directions.
Sunday morning, I get a call…

Homie: “You did it!”

Me: “Did what?”

Homie: “She broke up with his ass after they left.”

Me: “Oh, New Guy™”

Homie: “Yep”

Me: “I didn’t like that mufucka.”

Homie: “Nobody did.”

Me: “Always had to have one up on everyone and shit.”

Homie: “Ol’ Hollywood-ass dude.”

Me: “Heheh, yep.”

Homie: “Well when they got in the car, he wouldn’t stop talking about you, so she called my wife as soon as she sent him home and–…”

Me: “… and y’all compared ‘notes’ about WHY I decided to target him.”

Homie: “And he was the problem, we won’t be seeing him again.”

Me: “Good.”

I should really start CHARGING people to help them break up.


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