True Story©... Recruiting

 

"Hey buddy, you remember me?"

    I'mma keep it all the way funky with y'all...
When someone asks me some shit like that and I wasn't looking to have already determined whether or not I'd ever met them, I adopt a "lie first and then sort it out" approach. I've found that this helps keep my ass out of situations I might not desire to be in.
I turned around...

Me: "Um... I can't say that I d--..."

Him: "I interviewed you for the job at [company] back at the beginning of the the summer."

Me: "Wait... The ones who kicked me out when I told the story about getting fired over the softball game?"

Him: "Okay, so you DO remember!"

Me: "Yeah man, my friends thought that shit was WILD funny."

Him: "To be frank, so did everyone else in the office when we told them about it."

Me: "'we?'...  'everyone else?'...  How many damn people did you speak of my misfortune to?"

Him: "It was contained to the people who would have been on the hiring process; people who knew I was interviewing you already.  Basically it was known that there was an interview and it came up in a conversation of what happened and how it ended so abruptly."

Me: "Oh, got it."

Him: "So how are things, how has your job search gone?"

Me: "Want me to be honest with you?"

Him: "Cautiously...  yes!"

Me: "Wasn't no job search in the first place...  I was bullshitting JUST to make that joke?"

Him: "Really?"

[Phlip note: wait for it...  wait for it!]

Me: "True Story©"

[Phlip note: I DID THE THING!!!]

Him: "Holy shit!  You're some kind of a comedian."

Me: "I play one on the internet."

Him: "Sucks really, I was kind of hoping to see you in public sometime."

Me: "Oh?  Why?"

Him: "Well, you'd mentioned being decent at hitting a softball--..."

Me: "Mmhmm?"

Him: "...  and we just finished the corporate league season in August..."

Me: "Right..."

Him: "And we got fuckin' CREAMED!  Hitting for power was our major weakness.  Your name came up, in the 'man if we'd have had THAT guy' kind of way."

Me: "Well to be frank, I was only half-shitting you about that part.  Surprised even myself when working with my daughter at the batting cage when she played in middle school."

Him: "Oh?"

Me: "No bullshit this time"

Him: "Well look, we have your information, don't be surprised if we call and hold you to that."

Me: "I don't work for y'all."

Him: "Relax..."

    At this point, I have dead-ass forgotten why the fuck I was in this store.  I just stuffed my phone in my pocket and walked to my truck and went home.   Security looking at me all weird and shit.
I will skip the (non-) details of the intervening days, it is a bunch of me cutting grass, watching TV and working.

    About a week and a half later, I got a phone call.

Me: "Hello?"

Him: "How would you like an independent consultant's position?"

Me: "What would it entail?"

Him: "Knocking the mother-fuckin' SKIN off of a softball, mostly."

Me: "But the corporate league season is over!"

Him: "Proper preparation prevents piss poor performance."

Me: "So you gon pay me in a sham position to be a ringer on your company softball team..."

Him: "It sounds so bad when you say it like that."

Me: "Chill, I like money...  What's the plan?"

Him: "Meet me at Greensboro Batting Center, you know where it is?"

Me: "Daughter...  Softball...  Batting cage...  Have you forgotten that fast?"

Him: "You did say that, I'm sorry."

Me: "Sunday at noon sound good?"

Him: "Sure!"

    We ended our call and met at the batting cages the following Sunday...  Since corporate league is all slow-pitch, that is the stall we used.  No gloves or helmet required, and I was absolutely true to my word.  One good thing about a batting cage is that the machine will throw you the exact same strike 20 straight times and the only variable is the human swinging the bat in the box.  With that said, I was square contact on 20 straight balls.  Some were missiles directly back in the direction of the machine and some were just bombs that would have tested some outfielders' footspeed.
Needless to say, he was on board...

Him: "Bro you're fuckin hired!"

Me: "And what does the position pay?"

Him: "I've been authorized to approve $7k, and--..."

Me: "... just for hitting a softball?"

Him: "... and bonuses if you can get us to and through the championship, up to ten thousand."

Me: "For hitting a fuckin softball?"

Him: "You said it yourself in June, some people take this corporate league stuff that seriously."

Me: "Now...  Your powers that be know, or believe that I have the propensity to curse people out when shit don't go my way competitively, and I ain--..."

Him: "Passion, that's why they're paying."

Me: "Well shit, I'll take it!"

Him: "I'll forward the paperwork to your email on file."

    Monday afternoon, I received a sham-ass job description and contract, explaining some consulting work that I would do for the company and an explanation of how much I would be paid.  I had tried insisting on them either paying cash/cash-adjacent or making it a W2 position so as to not complicate my tax situation, but apparently both of those solutions placed them at risk.  They would need to answer to me doing actual work for the company and the contract would serve that for the former, and they would have to answer to corporate about the 7 to 10 bands they were planning to waste on fuckin softball on the other...
Whatever, I get it.

    I'm a semi-professional slow-pitch softball player in a corporate league for a company that I only technically work for, y'all...
My only fear is that I had to use my real fucking name for this shit!  Let's see how this shakes out.

(eventually...)