True Story©... High School Sweethearts

"I'm worried that I cannot trust my wife..."

Oh shit, this gon be good!
Lemme keep reading...

"We met in high school, and I actually lost my virginity to her..."

SHIT!!! We all gas and no brakes here. Aight, aight, I'mma chill and just read now.

"The circumstances of even that are kind of wild, though. While I lost my virginity to her, I was not her first. In fact, I'm kind of embarrassed to say that I was not even her first on that very night..."

Fucking WHAT?!!? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm trying, y'all!

"One of the homies from high school had convinced her into meeting at a house party and letting him and four homies run a train on her. I drew third go before we left for the party, so naturally I waited outside the room door for my turn.

I went into the room when it was my go, put on a rubber and did the thing. Sometime during, I decided that she didn't need to be in this situation and that I could be the one to get her out of it..."

Look, I don't even apologize anymore, this is fucking WILD and you can't PAY me not to interject my opinion.
Wait... You CAN pay me, but I know you won't so you gon get these interruptions.

"When #4 began to feel I was taking too long, he opened the door and asked if I was almost finished. I said I was done, but so was she. I'm taking her out of this and not letting her subject herself to this anymore.

Well, #4 and 5 had been waiting patiently for their part in the proceedings and told me that if I wanted today to be the day I saved her, then I'd best have a seat in the cuck chair and wait for them to finish.

When I refused, they jumped me in the room. I tried to fight them off, butt-ass naked, but they got the better of me. When she was no longer willing, they backed off of her instead of catching a charge. They made me walk home from the party though..."

I'm sorry... I choked on my coffee and had to go get my rescue inhaler upstairs.
This is BY FAR the wildest email to ever come across this inbox.  I'm still half-astounded he got ALL the way naked during a train, but I've also never participated in one of those either.

And how does one go from drawing third in a train to the "cuck chair" on the same night?  I got questions.
... he ain't e'em done!

"She was so grateful for what I did, she had her friend take me home instead of letting me walk. We exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone the next day. Monday, the bullying started over me falling in love during a train and her for getting saved by someone who would fall in love during a train.

It was RELENTLESS, but I felt it drew us closer together. We had to keep the reasoning for the bullying shielded from our parents, but they agreed to move us to a different school to finish high school due to it..."

I mean, she has had a Thomas The Tank Engine performed on her... That's reason enough not to ever trust her already. This MF is 25 miles into this trip and hasn't even gotten to the problem yet!

"After school, we went to the same college and never dated anyone else..."

Well, at this point, neither of you kinda CAN date anyone else until you move to hell.

"After freshman year, we got an apartment together and were married in the summer between junior and senior year.

Now during senior year is when the rumors from back home popped up. She left me to defend them alone. She just ignored everything that was said, leaving me to defend the both of us. She legitimately doesn't seem to understand the shame and embarrassment that comes with being the dude who fell in love with a girl who had a train run on her, DURING said train..."

Oh she understands, my boy... She understands.

That's why she's letting YOU eat that!

"And this is where my problem comes in. When I took her from that and weathered all that we weathered, I expected that we would always protect one another yet the first time it is her time to help me out, she is no where to be found. Now the trust of what will happen if something actually serious comes up when we're done with college and out in the real world. How can I be sure I can trust her to have MY back like I've had hers as we embark on this life thing?"

Wait...  "something actually serious," he says?  I'm trying to imagine a world where this is not the number one thing on his list!  What the hell more could there be!?


So here we are... I read that whole-ass email and now you have too.

I'm sure he expects some reassurance or sage advice in response. You, dear readers are waiting to see what humorous response I can fashion to attempt to help this man or at least entertain myself.

Well...

...  I let my intrusive thoughts win this round, but not enough to see me respond to this nonsense.